Mental Meanderings

Missing Me?

Ok, um... hard to believe but apparently people are missing me. I know I'm missing me so I suppose it shouldn't be so hard to believe. I've no idea where I've been but I'm resolving to return, now.

OMG I'm seriously attempting to procrastinate and procrastinate. For some reason I'm truly struggling to bring myself to do anything lately and that includes blogging. I'm not sure what the cause is exactly but I do know it HAS to stop. My whole life will get wasted away in moments that I didn't bother to make count for whatever reason.

Yeah that seems rather dramatic and all encompassing but it is kinda what I've been feeling lately. Too often though my life so far what I've wanted in life has been put aside and aside by inconsiquential things. It perpetuates a strange cycle of disappointment and self-contempt that I've as yet failed to step out of. Even writing this blog my mind distracts me with so many other things, large and small that I could do instead.

Like noticing a calender that's not flipped to the right date. Listening to a story in the chat room. Listening and singing along to music. (I can't type and sing at the same time unless I'm typing what I'm singing.) Writing lists, doing other things on my list, reading, watching a movie, basically a part inside me WANTS to do whatever it is I'm NOT doing right now. I have to force myself, truly FORCE myself to sit here and FINISH this, NOW, and nothing else. It's a battle, and I fight and fight against the urge to be distracted.

I am however determined, and I reaffirm my determination repeatedly. Anyone who's been with my blog a while have noticed the regularity of my reaffirmations. Perhaps I should track it and find out exactly how many minutes it takes to derail my determination each time I build it up and dedicate myself to sticking to it?

You know it gets me thinking about New Year's Resolutions. I don't make them myself. Because I've always believed that resolutions should have to wait till the new year. You can resolve at any time, any day, every year. In every moment of my life I resolve to be a better person then I was in the moment before it.

At this time of year people decide to make a New Year's Resolution to quit smoking. I think, if you're going to quit smoking quit NOW, this minute. Not at the end of your last pack, not at the end of the year, month, week, day, NOW. This moment. Not one last cigarette, not one every few hours instead of every hour. NOW! That's how I did it, 9 years ago. I can't even remember which day it was, just some day I decided that was is. I tossed the smokes in the bin and never smoked again. 9 years later I still crave and get withdrawl if I see someone smoking, if I smell someone smoking. I can pick smokers out of crowds of people I can point to someone smoking even if they're meters away from me. But I decided and never again did I smoke from that moment forward.

*ponders* It makes me wonder why everything else in my life doesn't seem to be like that? How could I successfully decide never to smoke again and do it. Maintain willpower despite all the challenges that have come and gone but when it comes to some of the most important things in my life I can't seem to hold true to my dreams and desires.

But I'm back, determined to maintain daily blogs. I've done it in the past, I know I can do it. So long as I hold myself accountable. I dedicate myself to the fact that I'll write here, every day, before I sleep. So long as it's done before Midnight every night I'll be successful. That is my goal. No more putting it off until the morning. No more saying, "not tonight". No MORE! NOW! And from this moment forth I will write, daily.