Catching Idle Butterflies

Dying with a Broken Heart

I want to die.

I’m tired of my life, of trying to live in the best way I know how. It simply isn’t good enough, and never will be. Why, then should I continue to bother?

I felt like I was going to die last night. I felt God dive deep and try to take my heart, change it and make it his. It seems he took my New Year’s resolution to follow Him seriously. I admit I fought some. Though I know giving my life completely into his care and his will is the best way, doing so is tough. I like being in control, even when I want to give up that control at the same time. Being human can be so confusing at times.

I want to be like David, to be a woman “after God’s own heart.” Yet, that requires me to die to myself and my human, worldly desires; my only desire left to praise and worship God.

I always admired David. Though he made many terrible mistakes including murder and adultery, in the end he always turned to God, accepting God’s punishments for when he sinned, and God’s blessings with equal fervor. He loved God above all else, and he showed it in almost everything he did.

Last night I thought of Mother Theresa as being another after God’s own heart, but changed my mind. Mother Theresa achieved her goals through a broken heart. Every time she saw someone starving, without shelter, or hope, her heart broke.

God, I think, loves a broken heart. Seeping out of those wounds come not only pain, but mercy, compassion, and an insatiable desire to mend others broken in similar ways. Our heart mends best when mending others.

If I am to truly walk the path God has made for me, I must die with a broken heart.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. ~ John 12:24-26