L'aura del Campo

Sorrow of causing pain for others

L'aura del campo

WINTER?: 10 Sharaf (9 January) 39º and sunny, very sunny.

'é a lua, é a lua, na quintana dos mortos'
♣ Federico García Lorca ♣

Sorrow of causing pain for others

When I was young I knew I was being made fun of. Children know. Some don't care, but others become deeply wounded. I bear the scars.

There was a time when I had few if any friends. Some folks wonder why outcasts seek each other. Mostly, because no one else will give them the time of day. If the popular kids do they pay a price. Very few seem to be strong enough to reach out and deal with the criticism and jeers of their peers.

As I grew older I found people who liked me! "Why" has always puzzled me. Not that I'm unlikeable. I know how to carry a conversation (sometimes I even listen!), smile, help, cooperate, be social, et cetera. But as a child I felt unlikeable; as an adult I am wary.

I tried to open up when I lived in Costa Rica. I quickly clammed up for years afterwards. When I met 1. in South Carolina I was at wits end. I would not be here today if it were not for him. But I haven't been allowed to speak to him for over three years; although I keep in touch with his parents and sister. We send e-mails occasionally. But he's my heart and it hurts.

When 2. was harassed for being my friend he stuck by me, but it tainted the relationship and years later his wife who I've known even longer became upset over what others had told her about me. Truth, lies? Mostly prejudices and fear. So I am no longer in touch with them. My loss; their loss.

When I worked with 3. he said nothing to me about there being problems between us. He even denied that there was a problem the exact day I was accused of harassing him. Accused by whom? By others. We have been able to maintain a friendship but it has not been easy. My greatest fear is that he will be hurt for even speaking to me.

So recently I was talking with 4. who informed me that she was harassed at her job because she was friends with me and A. They wouldn't let it go. She walked out. Complained to no avail to corporate headquarters. Quit.

So tell me, do you know what it is like to be considered shit on the bottom of someone's shoe? What it is like to be avoided because others shun those who associate with you?

Do you understand that I can't give details because I wish to protect my friends, in what little ways that I can. That I don't trust the public (this blog is googled) nor even people here at WdC, not because you are unworthy, not because I'm a horrible person (I'm not) but because I do not wish to be hurt again and do not wish to see my friends pay for the hatred of others, do not wish to lose them?

And now some of you will be wanting the details ... or making up your own ... and I can neither agree nor deny. I'm guilty of being human. That much I'll say.

How do I express that I have been deeply hurt beyond the telling of it?

Not all horrors are historical. Not all appear on the big screens, depicted in some distorted sordid way by Hollywood. Some live right next to you; some you call family. Some you may even shun yourself.

At La Prima Tazza. It's two-for-one coffee. It's beautiful outside and I'll have to go out and enjoy it sooner or later.

Went to a meeting this morning in spite of some hassles last night and having to get up a bit too early. I was frustrated that they didn't want spoken public comment. So why do we go? I have to ask the mayor on whether all these meetings must include public comment.

I have experience with issues they are facing. LOTS of experience, but it is sheer frustration to deal with people who have limited agendas that don't take other viewpoints as important.

They are making progress though.

The weather ... sunny and mild. Not winter.
We may get bitter cold and snow this coming weekend though.

A good day

Just the weariness of another sunrise and sunset.
Some days dawn bright and breezy, whisking
away the dross of nightmares with brisk sunlight.
'This is a good day to die', they whisper,
gathering the leaves to cover the sins and the sorrows;
they lisp through the thoughts of the seekers
depositing gold to gain what is sought ... the death
of depression, an upswelling from depths of despair
as if life were to expend itself today without care,
it would be a good day. [163.541]

Watt's Gnu:

"Plutoed" may be the word of 2006, as in "to be demoted, diminished". Did you feel plutoed this last year? Maybe 2007 will be the year of the 'black hole' or perhaps we'll all be doing the 'supernova'.

New definitions for 2007:

surge: 1. like a wave, it dissipates at a distant shore. 2. like electricity it fries your appliances and your standard of living.

homeland terrorist: anyone that opposes the president, his personal vendetta in the Middle-East or suggests he may be breaking international law (and therefore a criminal himself).

Ouch ... If I dance the supernova I could be plutoed and thrown in a black hole.

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 Kare Enga