Catching Idle Butterflies

Acting Out

“Your feelings are wrong.”

“You have no right to feel that way.”

People told me versions of the two statements above most of my life. As a consequence, I suppressed my feelings, wanting nothing more than to be like Spock in Star Trek. But I'm no Vulcan. Feelings need to be felt. They demand it. In suppressing them, all I did was make certain they came out all at once, and in a terrible explosion of anger, rage, and loathing.

I used to experience these explosions every year or so during my teenage years, and several in my twenties.

The last one was one of my biggest.

My boyfriend at the time ripped me apart by spewing a toxic version of the sentences above.

At one point, I envisioned myself standing up and walking to the kitchen. I grabbed a knife, returned to the living room, and standing above him, I slit my own throat.

Scared the [censored] out of me.

I had a choice. I could either follow through with it, or get the hell out of there. I ran out of the apartment and drove for about two hours to calm down and think.

I decided then I did have a right to feel . . . everything, even anger, rage, frustration, and sadness. It’s what I do with those emotions that matters. God never said not to feel, only to control how we act upon them.

So now, when I hear or read people tell me my feelings are wrong, I get a little upset.

That was my problem yesterday. However, I emailed the person privately to explain where I was coming from. She responded graciously, we came to an understanding, and walked away friends.

I could have simmered in my anger and either lashed out or merely thought nasty names about her, but that only deepens the hurt for all involved. I try not to suppress my emotions any more. I attempt to stay calm (though – dang it – not always), and explain why I’m upset.

After all, I want to know when I offend someone, especially unintentionally. I hope they would let me know so I can further explain my intent. Doing so usually eliminates the anger, etc. I then don’t have to try to suppress it all, and have it explode out of me in more toxic and destructive ways.