Who Am I?

Trying to figure me out

Jan 18, 2007

Last night's outing with my friend was great!  She actually took me out for my birthday (it's on Sunday)  We then went to Family Christian Bookstore and Target.  Talked, talked and talked.  I think I talked too much.  It was nice being with someone who knows you so well.  Though I would say she knows who I was so well.  Little things like the fact that I'm non directional and you have to tell me left right etc instead of north south east and west.  Made me feel good to be known.  And yet, there are so many things she doesn't know, for virtue of not being nearby.  So many changes and so much life that has happened.  Things that just playing catch up doesnt' cover.

Because of that, driving home I was quite introspective on the changes in myself.  Thinking about who I am and why I've become that person.  Now honestly, while there are things I don't like about myself I think that all in all I'm a pretty decent human being-all credit to God above for that.  The visit left me feeling a little bereft as I realized that while she knew me when I was younger and knows alot about me, she doesn't really KNOW me anymore.  And then I got to thinking, and I'm not sure that many people do KNOW me.  I have friends, but because of issues in my life I have difficulty trusting people.  Those who knew when I was younger know that side of me, but very little about my more recent life.  Those who have known me in the more recent years, know some of who I am, but little of who I was and what I traveled to become that person...and I guess the issue there is for me that while I know God knows and sees all and loves me, I want someone with skin on who knows and understands me.  That of course means I have to trust and let people in, which is difficult for me to do. 

Lately, I've been rather lost in the past.  Thinking alot about high school (15 years ago) my life over the last several years and the things I've been through.  I know God is molding me into what and who He wants me to be...and I'm so very ok with that.  But I'm at a loss for anyone who has really walked most of it with me, or anyone who wants to sit and listen to me share that much.  I'm not sure if this is grief related (my mom knew and understood me well, my dad knew and loved me but probably never understood...lol)  If this is age related ( I really don't have a problem with the fact that I will be 34 on Sunday)  The fact that I'm thinking of going back to school in the fall, or what.  I know it has a bit to do with the fact that the friends I have nearby...their lives  (3 of them) have held drastic changes lately and we haven't gotten together much.  When I'm with them, I feel like they do get me, do understand...but their lives don't allow much for even phone conversations....not quite sure what to do..guess I'll just be thinking and praying. 

I feel a bit lost today.  Pray for me, please.  But don't worry I'm ok.  I know God is a God of love and will shelter me from the storms of life.  Maybe all this introspection will be good for my writing, hmm? 

blessings,
V