what matters and why

phone call

A year ago, conversation would not have ended so abruptly, whether I was asleep or not. There was one time in particular, in the fall. In the beginning. It was late, and I barely managed to reach the on button on the phone. There was not even the "are you sleeping" question. Instead, it went straight to the missing me conversation. I mentioned that I had been in bed for a few hours. What I said wasn't acknowledged. "I miss you," I wondered how, when it was so soon. Things had happened so fast. Was that my mistake? Should I have waited before giving into temptation so quickly? At the time, it felt completely perfect. When he said he missed me, my heart skipped a beat. I missed him too. More than he will ever know.

Now, there's nothing to say. I'm asleep when I get that phone call, and just as quickly as I picked up, it's ended. Then I feel worse than I did. I should have let it go. Not even bothered. What a waste of my time. I still put myself through hurt that I never imagined possible. And for what? A two minute phone call? From someone I'm not sure I even love anymore. Not like I did. There's a certain amount of respect that fades in time when the situation stays the same. And a phone call late at night, after all that I have put up with, says all I need to hear, even when there is no conversation. A phone call that for some reason is impossible during normal hours of the day. Going back one year, I wonder if I was oblivious to that or if it was really that different. I wonder now if what I felt was simply because it was what I always wanted and never had. If he meant what he said, or if it was just an elaborate attempt to keep me around. Reality, in the end, is almost impossible to deal with. I should appreciate the time that we had. If I could get past the guilt, the moral issues I have, and just simply appreciate what it was during that time. And if it's all it was, why the phone call? Why, when I can barely manage a hello because my week has been incredibly exhausting, should I be left feeling like I said something wrong? Once again, I will second guess myself. And the exhausting week. What I deal with on a daily basis. The other phone calls I've received tonight. The noises I hear outside the door when I'm trying to sleep on the couch with the TV volume up as loud as it goes. Things that I will never be able to share. Not with someone whose phone calls are too late. A year ago, all it took was "I miss you" and I was wide awake. Ready to respond to the sweet nothings that would continue for an hour after. Now, I want a little more. And because he is not able to provide that, I am left with nothing. Just emotionally exhausted. It takes all I have to not give in to the late phone call request. I know why. It's not that I don't want that too. But how long can that continue? Why should I settle for something that leaves me feeling so empty? I'm sure there's better. I'm so tired. But the phone call, the unspoken request to have me in the middle of the night, and I'm supposed to just let it go. Move on. When there was a time when this isn't all it was. To get back to that, I'm not sure how. To give myself, everything I have, should I not get the priviledge of requiring time, energy, emotional involvement. What if what this is isn't good enough for me anymore? And if that's true, what should I expect.....

Expectations, I have learned, even if stated clearly, mean nothing. I ask for advance plans. I get a last minute phone call. I ask for a decision before any more contact attempts, and I get answers that are evasive and unclear. He has me by my heart, and that's something that is not given out so easily. And what I am left with now is this horrible feeling in my gut that I am not the only one on the list of the late night phone call attempts. And what I say, what I feel, doesn't really matter at all. Because what it is now is all it ever was, and it was only my expectations that were too high.