Mental Meanderings

Delicate and Nauseated - The Horrors of Bad Milk

I have seen milk. I have seen milk in many different forms and colors and smells. You might think only of the creamy white liquid variety you would be used to seeing pour out of your carton onto your breakfast cereal each morning. You may or may not be surprised to find milk comes not only in this refreshing beverage or cereal soggiefier form.

I'm very particular about my milk. You can get powdered milk, or UHT, skim, low fat, no fat, lite, calcium rich, etc. All are very interesting but hardly entertaining. I've tried most of them from all varieties and I've no real idea why they could all be different. Milk comes from cows. Do they feed the cows barley instead of wheat to make them fatter for the non-low fat milks? Do they dose the cows with additional calcium to create the calcium rich milk? Is skim milk really just watered down milk like it tastes?

I've found that not only does milk come in it's various varieties in it's fresh from the carton (or cow) states there is variety to it at other times. Milk curdles. It's a horrible truth but as with pretty much all fresh produce (except honey) there is a point when milk will turn on you. I guess that makes it like people, leave them sitting there long enough and it'll turn. If you treat the milk right, keep it cold, put the lid back on the bottle or close the top of the box and don't mix it with other substances it'll generally take longer to dislike you but eventually, it will turn.

There aren't any visible signs in most milks in the hours proceeding the invitable curdle. Those few hours are the backstab hours, where it looks ok, it smells ok, but it's really wandering about with a knife behind it's back waiting for an unwary moment to stab into your intestines. Milk in this state is my worst enemy.

This prior curdle tends to happen on the day of the expiry date. It's interesting how accurate those dates can be. On most foods the dates are simply a guide. Best before but not, "This product will kill you after this date." Milk however should have exactly that warning on it's labels. Alas, from time to time this evil pre-curdle milk has snuck up to wreak havok in my breakfast cereal.

I cry, because usually I've just filled a bowl with my favorite and moderately expensive cereal, smothered it in normal seeming milk and let it soggy-up the flakes a little. Then taking a bite I KNOW there is something wrong. Pre-curdle milk has a very distinctly not-milk taste. It's not that it has a BAD taste exactly, but it's most definately not a milk taste. It's like watery milk with a bit of a tang. It has a lingering after-taste and I can never handle more than that first mouthful.

Alas, some are less accustomed to determining the level of safety when it comes to their milk. If it's not crawling with bacteria and hasn't turned into a solid lump it's fine. Now this is hardly an encouraging thought. If you can't tell bad milk while eating cereal soaked in it then you obviously don't eat much cereal.

Now, some tips for long standing single men:
         1. Cereal is for BREAKFAST
         2. Pizza is for DINNER
         3. Check your use by dates BEFORE using products
         4. The TV is NOT the target for projectile vomit (although being single you can aim there if you want and then enjoy cleaning it up yourself after)
         5. If it tastes funny it'll probably do something funny to your insides (this includes spicey food and anything with excessive amounts of MSG).

*ponders* Well I'll leave it as a Scarlett 5 today but I'm sure there are other important tips you boys should be aware of. Cooking and eating a balanced diet really isn't such a bad thing. I mean I love a great burger along with the next non-$20-salad-size-000 woman but a fresh salad sandwich is really nice too. The time it takes to pick up take away could be spent preparing a healthy choice meal. Cooking for two means you have left overs for tomorrow.

If you remember these important tips about milk and food preparation I would hope even you can avoid the delicate and nauseated sensation that is a common indication that you didn't follow the dietary rules of thumb. If you suffer regularly then perhaps it's time to move back in with your parents, if they'll have you.