Who Am I?

Five years ago today I saw my mom for the last time

March 21, 2007  77 entries...over 1000 views...wow....


Today is the fifth anniversary of my mom's death.  I'm actually handling today better than I figured...then again the days leading up to it always seem worse.

March 21, 2002 my sister called me in the morning, tears in her voice and told me to come -as she had many times over the course of the last 6 weeks.  But this was different.  Just the week before we were excited because she was coming home soon..and then she was home...and then she was terribly sick again..it was  a difficult time.  But that morning she knew...and she told my sister she wanted to die at home....her nurse was the one who called my sister.....it's all rather jumbled still...I left work (about an hour away) and flew up to the east side of Indy...my beloved also left work and came to us.

Mom was in a lot of pain...and we spent a lot of time waiting on a pain pump...because of her lung issues morphine was a risk but one we were willing to take....we didn't want her to be in pain.  Before the morphine came, we had several people in and out of the house...friends of mom's, nurses, her priest.  The phone rang alot.  And we talked to her..not much, because she was hurting.  Finally the pain pump came, people left...even mom's nurse...leaving us her home # in case we needed her.  That evening, thinking that we were going to be there for hours, maybe days...my beloved headed for home to get his meds...he has epilepsy...he also was getting clothes for us, etc.  C was at his parents house...he was gone probably 3 hours....it an hour each way and time to get the things we needed together.  During that time my sister and I just kind of sat around...talking some...I think there was still a piece of us that was hoping she'd overcome this...but it was all rather unnerving..she was on the bed..the actual bed, not her cart..which was rare...she usually wasn't comfortable on the bed...she was laying on her back, which again, was something she didn't do often or for long, because of her spinal curvature....she laid this way for hours...About 10 or so, I think, my sister was on the phone...and wandered out of hte bedroom...I leaned over and hugged mom...and got hugged back...2 arms...the only one I can remember...because she laid on her stomach, on a cart most of my life...and her arms were bent and didn't stretch far...but she hugged me that night.....and then she died.  Just prior to that hug she started breathing funny and I called my sister in...by the time she got in there..mom was gone...just a matter of moments.  I cherish that hug...I hated being in the room when she died...have you ever heard someone die?  the way they breathe?  It's a horrible sound.  The guilt I feel for not being able to do anything...the guilt I feel for agreeing to the morphine pump-prescribed by the dr and set up by the nurse..nothing funny went on..but just knowing it could hinder her breathing...yet how do you say no to a person you love in pain?  She knew she was dying...and she wanted to die at home, with dignity...we did the best we could.

Right after she died, my beloved got back.  My sister called the nurse and the nurse came...the ambulence took mom away and we locked up the house and left.  It all felt very unreal.  I remember as we pulled back into our town..thinking...I need something small to love...like a puppy....9 months later-with conception dated at March 21, J was born.  A gift, yes. 

A trying gift at 4...who ends up in trouble at school, knots on his noggin from running into things and a determination of steel...actually I have 2 children with momma's determination.  I miss my parents...both of them...and think often of how much they miss in not knowing my youngest.  Miss them when things happen that I want to share..and yes, I know they are close...but it's not the same

Gonna stop before I cry again..cant' cry with 5 kids running around the house.

On Sunday my sister and I are going to church together at Mom's church...the first time since we were in it for her funeral.  We are planning on going to the cemetery (2 of them-for mom and dad...and for mom's mom who is at a different one).  We are going out to lunch and by the house we grew up in.  It will be an all day thing....I'm sure we will laugh and cry...I won't be wearing make up...lol...my beloved is keeping the children with him...I want to be able to grieve without worrying about upsetting my kids.  I want to be able to rejoice and share without interruption. 

Since making those plans I've been more at peace...I'm not sure why, it's just a fact.  If you've been praying for me, I thank you.


Mom memory-growing up we sang alot at home...I think this is one of the ways mom kept me occupied...I rocked when I sang...bounced the springs out of more than one couch....but even when C was little mom and I would sing together although at that point it was usually in the car.

My dad hated it..said it was like cat's howling....lol...mom would tell him if he didn't like it he could go out on the back porch...lol


Because my mom was in a wheelchair and on a cart with wheels we had ramps on the front and back porch.  The back porch, growing up, was especially fun...made of concrete we would clear it of it's furniture and use it as a roller rink, a house boat, a house...whatever struck our fancy...we'd also use it when it rained and we wanted to be outside....it wasn't screened, so we'd have to stay up against the house but we had fun anyway.  My sister had a very sturdy hard plastic barbie car that we used to sit on and ride down the back ramp into the yard....over and over again....lol...there was a phone jack out there and if we were all outside we'd take the phone out...if we were playing house we used the shelf it sat on for a jug of water to play with.  My dad used to go nuts though every spring because the birds would nest in the roof of the porch.

The front deck holds stories as well...though less because I was in 5th or 6th grade when we got it and my sister in high school...I do remember though that we rarely used the ramp to leave it..climbing instead over the side-coming and going...and I remember my sister running out the door in a hurry, trying to jump the side and when she hit her foot, landed on her butt in the grass.
:)

Mom loved being outside if the weather was decent.  Before the deck was built, she couldn't get out the front door...but just a bit...because it was a concrete porch with steps right outside the door. I have pictures of her sitting in the doorway, even when I was a small child.  Especially in later years..it was her way to socialize with her neighbors...she'd sit on the porch and enjoy the breeze and someone was sure to come visit....she had the door rigged so she could get in and out even if she was home alone. 

Well, I'm sure I could go from one memory to another..but this has gotten long enough....maybe I'll share more tomorrow...maybe I"ll just try to let it go for now...we'll see where the Spirit leads.

hugs
Vicky