Catching Idle Butterflies

My War

Some seem to think I believe I'm not a writer, that it's another one of those struggles I keep talking about, yet never able to overcome. I can't shake the impression you get tired of me complaining about the same thing over and over. You want to throttle me for not learning and growing, for not moving forward and instead standing still. Perhaps you even want to give up on me as a lost cause because I appear to ignore all your kind and sage advice.

Some things are difficult to explain. Every person with a decent, if not complete grasp of language sometimes fails to convey what they want to say no matter how hard they try.

Maybe it's that very inability to be perfectly understandable to everyone that makes writers think they will never be good enough to call themselves writers.

Nonetheless, I will try to explain it for myself.

I first have to define “writer”. Most people say a writer is one who writes. By that definition, I am a writer.

However, a lawyer may write briefs all day, but that doesn't make him a writer. A microbiology student writing a thesis on pond scum isn't necessarily a writer either.

As I define it. I would bet if you told the examples above they were writers, they would disagree.

I become a writer only when I decide to call myself one, and I then work to be the best writer I can be.

By that definition – my definition – then, yes, I am a writer.

However, that's not to say I don't have doubts. Does not the lawyer doubt his ability to represent his clients? Does not the student doubt studying pond scum to be the best course for her future?

Doubting is normal. If I didn't doubt my ability and my choice to be a writer, then I shouldn't call myself a writer. A completely confident writer is one who believes he has reached his best, and no longer tries to get better. He then becomes complacent, and in the end loses his ability to write well.

I've admitted my doubts and expressed my occasional desire to quit, something else that has frustrated some of you. So as not to frustrate others, I will not apologize for it.

Like it or not, we fight in a war, a battle between good and evil, a fight for the heart and soul of every human being. I have chosen sides, and my enemy does whatever it can to kill me off, to have one less soldier in the way to thwart its goal.

He tries to take away my weapon, and that weapon is writing. He takes my normal doubts and expands them to the point I want only for it to stop. That includes considering giving up.

But I know that. I express those doubts because I have to. It's like I explained in an earlier entry: I can't hide from my emotions, but feel them, listen to them, and discover the why behind them.

By bringing my doubts to light, especially to others, they no longer seem so huge. I also understand the why and am able to press forward. The more I doubt, the more I know I'm going the right direction, that I'm fighting the right fight.

I will not relinquish my weapon, even if it becomes heavy and unwieldy at times. Doing so, I lose, and my enemy wins.

I hope and pray you now understand, and won't give up on me. I will never quit writing no matter how much I complain about it. I don't have a choice.