Catching Idle Butterflies

Why?

Someone asked me the other day about why I created my blog and what my expectations were when I started.

When I first started with writing.com, I had the singular focus of publication. I started my publication journal "Ah, the pitfalls of seeking publication."  to help with that. If I remember right, I read someone else's publication journal, and saw it had the extra feature of comments. I thought that was kinda cool. I could have changed my publication journal into a blog, I suppose, but I had already written several entries, and I thought I couldn't make an older journal into a blog. Plus I felt a blog was just a bit too narcissistic (one of my favorite words) for comfort. I created my publication journal for me alone.

Two months later I thought about creating a journal about my walk with Jesus. I was tired of writing about my faith in a paper journal, because no one saw it. God impressed on me to share with others about him, so I figured a new journal on writing.com would fit that desire perfectly. I could have used my publication journal, but I'm anal in that I like to keep my journals separate if they have different purposes.

I turned my new journal – originally titled “God’s Way” – into a blog mostly out of geeky curiosity. I didn't expect any comments, only to see how blogging worked, such as setting it up, etc. Ha! I still remember the thrill when I saw that first email stating [Notice] New Blog Comment Received.

Though they were small and few, my blog failed to meet any of my expectations, some to the point I regret signing up to writing.com, let alone create a blog.

I never expected people to challenge my beliefs and debate with me to the point I had no strength to continue. I never expected to humble myself (or be humbled) and reveal some of the darkest corners of my soul for all to see. I never expected to make friends, have them wrench my heart out of my chest, and squeeze all the blood out of it while I watched. I certainly didn’t want to spend time reading and commenting on so many blogs to the point my other writing – the writing I had intended to improve when I first got here – suffered. Plus I began to care too much about what other people thought to the point I attempted to change what I wrote and the way I wrote. I paid too much attention to the number of views and comments. I so wrapped my self-worth around them, when the numbers didn't meet my expectations, I felt worthless and useless.

Dangerous stuff, all that.

I don't know if this one is worth all the sweat and tears I've shed. Why on earth would I want do start a new one, and go through more of the same 500 more times? Hell, do I even want to finish this one? My life was a whole lot simpler and less of an emotional rollercoaster ride before I started all of this.

These questions I’ve asked many, many times, and some of you remember me talking about doing so more than once. Most often, though, I said nothing. I instead walked away in silence, intending never to return. I figured you’d wonder for a time what happened to me, but you’d soon forget. I’d leave no vacuum or broken hearts behind, that’s for sure.

What then kept (and keeps) me coming back if it’s been such a terrible experience?

The biggest reason goes back to my original intent: to talk publicly about Jesus and my life’s journey with him. By giving up on my blog, I would be giving up on something God wants me to do. You encouraging me to continue helped more than I can put to words, but God nudging me forward clinched it every time.

Heartache and blessings go hand in hand. Nothing taught me that lesson more clearly than this blog.

Yes, debating others drained my spirit, but it taught me how to debate, and how to better defend my faith. I now have the confidence to speak up to others in my life when I used to be silent. Yes, I revealed much, but doing so freed me from pain I held inside for sometimes decades longer than I should have. Yes, the friends I’ve made have hurt me at times – and I them – but that’s because they mean so much to me. None of those hurts were ever intentional, and in every case our friendship grew stronger in the end. By spending so much time here, worlds have opened up to me. I feel like I’ve lived in Montana, New Jersey, Texas, California, and a slew of other US states, Merry ‘Ole England, Greece, Zimbabwe, and Turkey. I also wouldn’t have made the friends I now treasure. People from all around the world, and from nearly all possible walks of life, have taught me more than I could ever recount.

With close to 500 entries, I have close to 500 possible articles and/or story ideas I can flesh out at any time. I've stolen ideas for entries from other bloggers, why not also steal ideas for even more articles or stories? My writing has hardly suffered. Through your instantaneous comments, and studying your writing, I’ve learned how to write better. As for the importance I gave to my stats, it eventually taught me how unimportant the size of my audience is, and to not compare myself to others so much. I have my place, my niche, and my readers. Each one – you – not the they is all that matters, and all that should matter.

The absolute biggest blessing of all is how my relationship with Jesus has grown. It would not have without this blog, or without you.

Though I still will wrestle, whine, and weep over my blog, I must finish it. Starting another one may also be worth whatever heartaches that come along, because the blessings will always exceed the pain.