Finding Home

Chapter Ten

         Spring was just beginning to breathe across Lilac Grove.  Green was starting its slow takeover.  The air was still chilly on the blustery April day that Deborah stood admiring the progress of her soon-to-be office.
         It seemed to Deborah, on the rare occasions she felt the need to think abstractly, that the renovation of the building somehow mirrored the changes in her own life.  The frame and major structural pieces were still original to the building, but the insides had been rearranged, rebuilt, and redecorated.  And somehow, Kyle Connelly had played a major role in both renovations.
         It hadn’t taken long to feel welcomed by the Kapshaws—a matter of moments or days—but it had taken a but longer to really feel as though they were a part of her.  But, quickly and without warning, they were.
         Kyle was another story.  He acted as a quiet background piece to the everyday forefront.  He was just there.  Somehow, they’d become something of a couple, but it Kyle seemed to know, whether by his own observation or uncanny intuition, that another addition to her life wasn’t quite ready to be supported.
         Instead, they were more like very close friends—who had dinner together regularly, conversed on a daily basis, and exchanged kisses when the moment seemed to call for it.
         Kyle didn’t push and Deborah enjoyed knowing that he was simply there.  And, should her life begin to feel steadier, more capable of handling extra weight, perhaps their relationship could grow to a deeper level.  But, for now, and for the immediate future, Deborah was quite happy with their relationship.
         So, as her building’s renovation came closer and closer to its finale, Deborah hoped the same could be said for her life renovation.
         “How’s it looking?”
         Deborah turned to face Kyle.  His short brown hair whipped haphazardly in the wind.  He wore no coat, and the red button-up shirt he wore seemed to deepen the brown in his eyes. 
         “Perfect.”
         “High praise,” he replied, shoving his hands into his pockets as a chilly wind blew.
         “You’ve caught me in an exceptionally good mood, Kyle.”  She returned her gaze to the building, hugging herself in an attempt to find some warmth.
         “You seem to be having a lot of those lately.”
         Deborah ignored the self-satisfied look on his face.  “Mom called this morning.  She and Dad have finally found a date they can both come down to visit and meet the Kapshaws.
         “Great!  When?”
         His enthusiasm was touching.  What would she have done without his unfailing support these past few months?  “August second.”
         Kyle frowned slightly.  “Four months away?”
         Deb shrugged.  “Their schedules are hectic.  I’m amazed they both could schedule to get the same time off at all.”
         “Speaking of parents, mine have been bugging me to get you over for dinner.”
         “Oh,” Deb refused to look at him.  “Huh.”
         Kyle chuckled.  “No doubt Laney and my Mom have been gossiping about us.”
         “No doubt.”  But she didn’t offer anything else.  She wasn’t in that place yet, not yet.  If she met his parents… she shook her head, unable to even complete the thought.
         “Deb…”
         “Hm?”
         Kyle sighed.  “I don’t even know.”  He sounded tired and when she gave him a sideways glance, he looked tired as well.
         “You’re probably catching a cold right a we speak.  Where’s your coat?” she demanded.
         “Back in the office.  Just came to see if you approved.  Where are you off to?”
         “Just going to grab something to eat.  Had to stop by and see the progress first, though.”
         “Let me grab my coat and I’ll join you, okay?”
         “Sure.”
         They walked back to Kyle’s office.  It was a sparkling testament to Kyle’s success.  The town still hadn’t stop buzzing about the changing look of Main Street.  Deborah couldn’t help but be proud of all that Kyle was accomplishing.
         He waved at his secretary as he returned to Deb at the door.  Shrugging on his coat, he held open the door for her and they moved back onto Main Street, walking briskly to the LG Diner.
         The LG Diner was towards the end of Main Street.  It was one of the few businesses that had survived into the present, but was in desperate need of a facelift.  The lunch crowd was in full swing, though it wasn’t up to capacity, the steady drone of bustle filled the greasy air.
         Kyle maneuvered them through the diner to a small booth in the back.  “I’m going to the rest room, be right back,” he offered, tossing his coat onto the opposite seat.
         A waitress, closing in on fifty years but still trying to look twenty, sauntered over to Deb’s booth.  “Afternoon.  Get ya’ something to drink?”
         Deb smiled politely, though the smell of the waitresses perfume was overwhelming.  “I’m waiting on someone.”
         “Oh, I’ll come back in a few then.”  But, she stood, giving Deb a curious once over.  “Mind if I ask ya’ a question?”
         Uncomfortable with the woman’s scrutinizing gaze, Deborah merely nodded.
         “You that new Kapshaw girl?”
         “Um…” Deb trailed off.  She had a bad feeling about the question.
         “Roger Kapshaw’s daughter or whatever?”
         “Well… yes.”
         The woman moved closer.  “Well, I’ll be.  I knew your dad.  Knew him quite well actually.”
         The tone of the waitress’s voice had Deb’s stomach turning in disgust.
         “Not much of anything that Roger,” she continued with the ease of an old friend. 
“Had a mean streak in him big as the Mississippi.  Lordy, I was kinda surprised when Laney and them seemed to take you in and all after what Roger had done to Laney… and Gabe for that matter.”
         “Excuse me?” No one had ever mentioned something Roger had done to Laney.  They’d mentioned his alcoholism, hinted at his drug abuse and other self-destructive behavior, but nothing involving Laney.  Deb’s mind raced with the possibilities.  What could her father have done?
         Kyle returned before the waitress could clarify.  “Well, hi there sugar, what can I get you two for drinks?” she asked, practically purring at Kyle.  Deb didn’t even notice.
         “I’ll have a Coke,” Kyle ordered, still oblivious to the problems and questions the waitress had brought up for Deb.
         Deb found her voice enough to order water.  Her mouth felt dry and her heart beat at a frantic pace.  Worst-case scenarios flew through her mind enough that she didn’t even notice when Kyle began to chat casually or when he trailed off abruptly.
         “What is it, Deb?” he asked, the brush of his hand against hers focusing her attention enough that she looked up at him.
         “That lady… she…” Deb wasn’t sure what to say as she vaguely gestured at the waitress who was waiting on a table of older gentlemen, leaning over and offering them an ample view of her cleavage.
         “Yah, she’s a piece of work.”
         Deb swallowed.  “She said she knew my father… and that she was surprised they had taken me in after what Roger had done to Laney and Gabe.”
         “Surprised?”
         “Yes.  Like… like he did something pretty awful to them.”
         “You don’t know that,” Kyle replied, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.  Remember that age old adage about town gossip.”
         Deb shook her head, still watching the waitress.  “I don’t think so Kyle.  Gabe and Laney, they never mentioned anything that Roger had done to them.  They’re hiding it.”
         Kyle shrugged, taking his hand from hers.  “Maybe it’s better left hidden,” he replied on a sigh.
         Deborah could only gape at him.  “Hidden?  Why would it be better hidden?  He was my father!  And they’re just taking me in and-”
         “Deb, it was years ago.  Quite possibly before you were even born.  How is that even important now?  Important to how they would feel about you?”
         “He was my father.”
         “And he was Gabe’s brother, Laney’s brother-in-law, and so on.  They have just as much a claim on Roger’s misdeeds as you do.”
         Irritated with his calm and passive responses, Deborah slumped back into her seat.  “You don’t understand, Kyle.”  But, as usual, he looked as if perhaps he did.  “I need to know,” Deb continued, staring out the window of the diner.  “How can I just ignore this?”
         Kyle merely shrugged as the waitress approached with their drinks.
         “Ready to order?”
         Appetite gone, Deborah merely ordered a cup of soup.  Kyle ordered a hamburger looking rather miserable.  How quickly her good mood and carefree feeling had changed.
         She studied Kyle.  He was looking tired, which she’d noticed a few other times in the past couple weeks.  Something was bothering him, it was obvious, but she had her own problems to deal with.  The concerns she had for him would just have to wait.
         “They don’t talk about him,” Deb offered, wondering why she felt the need to explain herself.  “Sure, they showed me some baby pictures and a few bits of pieces, but Lisa couldn’t even bear it.  I thought I could just let it go because it seemed to hurt them so much.  This reminds me that I can’t do that.  I can’t just ignore that he was my father, that he’s a part of me.”
         “Okay,” Kyle acquiesced.  “So, what do you want to do?”
         “I need to talk to Laney.  I should go out to the farm after lunch, before the kids get home.  I don’t want to stir up anything… especially around the kids.”
         “I’ll drive you.”
         “Kyle, you don’t have to do that.”
         Smiling, though his expression was still tired, he put his calm hand over her twisting ones.  “I’ll drive you.”
         Not sure why that was comforting, Deborah nodded.  The rest of their lunch was spent in quiet.  Deb was lost in thought and it seemed as though Kyle was wrapped up in his own, but Deb had to concentrate on herself.
         What could Roger have done to someone as kind and considerate as Laney?  It must have been bad if the whole town knew about it.  Knew about it and were actually surprised that the Kapshaw family had welcomed her in spite of it.
         On the other hand, it could be as simple as Kyle said, a bit of gossip blown out of proportion in the currents of small town talk. 
         Deb couldn’t help being doubtful.  If that were all it was, how come it was being rehashed years later?
         “You’ve barely touched your soup.”
         Without even looking, Deb replied, “I’m not hungry.”
         “Deb…”  He trailed off, uncertainty clouding his usually amiable features.  He shook his head as if deciding against whatever he had begun to say.  “Whatever it is, don’t let it ruin what you have with the Kapshaws—they obviously haven’t.”
         “Ready to go?” It was the only response she was willing to give.
         He nodded.  In silence, they took the check  up to the front counter and paid before walking out into the whipping wind.  Kyle’s truck was parked further down Main on the other side, and she and Kyle walked to it without exchanging a word.
         What would she say to them, Deb wondered as she buckled her seat belt.  She couldn’t come up with anything, but the realization that her father was still as much a stranger to her as when she’d first arrived in Lilac Grove struck her as wrong.  It was a missing section she’d somehow bypassed in her life renovation.
         As they drove through the small town and into the expanse of farms, Deb noticed that the land was beginning to loosen from its wintry solid.  The dark soil with tinges of green would have delighted her mere hours ago, now she couldn’t be uplifted by the pretty signs of life.
         Kyle cleared his throat and broke the silence as they approached the Kapshaw gravel drive.  “Does it matter?”
         “Yes.”
         “How? What does it change?”
         She didn’t know, but it didn’t seem to be important that she didn’t know.  “That’s not the point.”
         Uncharacteristic exasperation slipped into his voice.  “What is?  You knew your mother for, what, seven years?  You learned first hand what she was capable  and incapable of.  Did that change you?”
         “You don’t understand.”  Deb folded her arms across her chest trying to ignore the fact that she didn’t understand either.
         “I’m a little sick of hearing that little mantra because it’s not so much true as it is a way of keeping me at arm’s length.”
         “You’re going to pick this fight with me now?” she demanded as he pulled to a stop.
         The weariness was back in his face and his voice.  “Sorry, you’re bringing it out in me today.”
         Feeling attacked, Deborah practically huffed.  “I told you not to come.”
         “Shut up, Deb,” Kyle snapped, so unlike him that Deborah was shocked into doing just that.
         “Maybe I should just drop you off.”
         “Fine.”
         “Fine.”
         Deb climbed out of the truck and attempted to slam the truck door as hard as she could.  “Ass,” she muttered, stomping toward the farmhouse.  She didn’t expect him to drive away, but she heard the pop of gravel under tires and the loud engine peal away.
         Deb stopped for a second, trying to regain some composure.  It wasn’t like her to lose her temper, anymore than she supposed it was like Kyle to do so.  Perhaps they just couldn’t help but bring it out in each other.
         “Ass,” she muttered again, resuming her stomp to the door.  Muddled and lacking focus she cursed Kyle as she knocked on the door.
         After a few moments, Laney opened the door with her welcoming smile.  “What a nice surprise,” she offered, gesturing Deb inside.
         “Sorry I didn’t call first,” Deb offered, twisting her hands in an effort to regain some focus.
         “You never have to call first, Deb.  Though, you do seem rather serious.”
         They stepped into the cozy living room and Deb tried to ignore the eyes of the photographs that Laney so lovingly kept all over the house.  She wanted to sink into one of the oversized recliners and ignore the past few hours.  But, she couldn’t.
         Facing Laney, Deb gathered herself.  “What did Roger do to you?”
         Blank and surprised, Laney’s grayish blue eyes merely stared back at Deb.  “What did Roger do to me?”
         “Yes, this waitress at the diner said that Roger did something to you and Gabe for that matter.”
         Laney pursed her lips, disproval for town gossip obvious in the expression.  She pointed to the couch, a silent invitation… or direction, for Deb to sit.
         “Deborah, this was so long ago.  It hardly matters now.”
         “It matters to me.”
         “Your father…”  Laney sighed, unable to say whatever it was with any ease.  “When Gabe and I just started dating, Roger was still here in Lilac Grove.  He stayed mainly at bars and with…”
         “Women,” Deb finished.  If Roger was anything like the other men her mother had hung out with, Deb had a pretty good idea.
         “Yes.  And, he managed to get himself into trouble even here.  He caused a few problems and came to Gabe one night broke and a bit worse for the wear.  Gabe felt that Roger was… ready to change his life, so he took him to Omaha, helped set him up with a place to stay and a job and a good portion of Gabe’s savings.  Unfortunately, Roger squandered all opportunities Gabe gave him.”
         Omaha, Deb thought, where she’d been born.  Had this money been squandered on her mother?  Together had they continued towards their ruin and ended up with her in the process?
         But, that didn’t explain what Roger had done to Laney and Deb had a feeling it had to be a lot worse that some wasted money and opportunity.
         “All right, but what did he do to you, Laney.”
         “Oh, Deb.”  Laney stood, chewing her bottom lip.  “It’s been nearly thirty years.”
         “So?”
         “So, it wasn’t that big of a deal then and it’s even less of a deal now.”
         “He attacked her,” Gabe interjected, standing in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest.  Carefully controlled fury shone in his eyes.  Deb couldn’t help but be surprised by the expression in the normally placid Gabe.
         “Gabriel,” Laney scolded, walking over to her husband in an effort to quiet him.
         Gabe evaded Laney’s efforts and walked towards Deb.  “She was working at the gas station and he pushed her around for a few cans of beer.”
         “It was nothing,” Laney insisted, more towards Gabe than Deb.
         The fury in Gabe’s eyes faded.  “So she’s always said.”
         “Barely a scratch.”  This time when Laney reached for him, Gabe didn’t evade the touch, instead gave her hand a squeeze.
         “Anyway, Deb, just a few months later is when I gave him the money and took him to Omaha.”
         “You still hate him for it,” Deb offered, thinking the feeling was obvious.
         Gabe sighed.  “Hate’s a strong word and maybe part of me wishes I could hate him for it.  Admittedly, it still makes me furious that he put his hands on anyone.  But, I gave him another chance—that money, the job.  The fact that he threw it away with both hands is the hardest for me to forgive, but it doesn’t have a thing to do with you.”
         Feeling a lump begin to form in her throat, Deb squeezed her hands in fists in an effort to remain strong.  “He was my father.”
         “Yes, and you may have his eyes or his smile, but those are a few physical marks.  Deb, him as a father does not brand you for a life of self-destruction and wasted opportunity.”
         Deborah shook her head trying to breathe through the constriction in her chest.  “I never knew him, but I’m still connected.”
         “Connected, maybe,” Laney offered, “but not bound by or responsible for his mistakes.  You’ve just as much Gabe or Lisa in you as Roger.”
         Deb sunk to the couch, the sentiment overwhelming her as much as the way she’d botched the whole subject.  “I’m sorry I sprung this on you the way I did.  Kyle had gotten me all riled up and I was flustered.  I should have handled this better.”
         Laney chuckled, sitting next to Deb and giving her a reassuring pat on the back.  “Oh, honey, you are so hard on that boy and you don’t even realize it.”
         “Hard on him?  How am I hard on him?”
         It was Gabe’s turn to laugh.  “The same exact way Laney was hard on me.”
         Laney slapped at him, but there was a loving grin on her face.  “Kyle’s head over heels for you and waiting so patiently for you to be ready for it.”
         “Laney,” Deb began, trying to ignore how her feelings of despair and irritation were turning over to panic and confusion.  “We’re barely more than friends.”
         “Exactly.  The way he looks at you, he’s dying for more than that.”
         Deb buried her head in her hands.  “This is so the last thing I need.”          
         “Oh, Deb, it isn’t such a bad thing to have someone head over heels in love with you, especially if you feel the same in return.”
         At that blatant remark, Deb shot up from the couch.  “I should go.”
         Laney took her hand.  “Don’t let Roger get to you.  I know he was your father and that was important, but who you are now and the present is a lot more important than his past.”          
         Deb nodded, hoping she could feel that at some point.  “Thank you, Laney. Thank you both for being honest with me.”  Deb took a few steps before she remembered Kyle had driven off in a fit.  “Oh, I forgot, I don’t have a ride back into town.  Can I use the phone and-”          
         “I’ll go get Logan.  He’s going into town to run a few errands for me anyway, he can drop you off.”
         “Thanks.”