Mental Meanderings

What's a woman to do?

Right, to work then I guess. It's already 9PM and I have a smashing headache. I think it's because I'm not getting a full 8 hours sleep each night. My alarm goes off at 6AM and I bounce into my morning, determined to make the most of the day and start off with a good workout (usually involving housework to kill two birds with one stone).

Anyway, now of course it's late and I'd like to chill out and relax. But I went to my Mother's in the evening and had dinner there so I'm way behind on my afternoon and evening 'work'. I haven't done my review of the day or my poem of the day. I'm here writing my blog which is something I guess and again, I'm not going to be plucking up the courage and giving myself over to The Flight of Torque.

In good FoT news however I was sparked last night as I lay tossing and turning. I caved in and wrote a tiny snippet of a scene that belongs at the very end of the book. For now the longhand notebook is just shoved aside because I don't much know what to do with it. I do feel pretty good knowing that FoT is still there, hovering at the edges, perhaps waiting for me to take the plunge again.

I feel like I need to know my characters better. The infamiliarity with them is still lingering and I can't quite nail down why I can't connect with them fully. I don't want to go into too much detail about the book in my blog, it's too special a story to disappaite with snippets of what's going to come. If you're really interested and you can promise to give me only encouraging and cheerleading comments send me an email and I'll link you up so you can read what I have so far and push me to keep at it so you can find out what happens next.

See, there is the chamelean in me. Begging for acceptance, hoping someone likes it and wants to read it but not quite sure it's worthy, or I'm worthy. Anyone got a few handy, "I really love it and want more. Keep Writing!" within them? Of course I'm always plagued with the denial self-doubts. So even hearing those words (especially now I've mentioned how much I feel like I need to hear them) will feel false to me. You know that sense of, "they're just saying it to be nice."

*sighs* If you've been reading my blog for any time you might be noticing a pattern here. I'm on the brink I think and this knife edge is tearing me apart. I feel like I'm so close to having the words again. I'm so close to having just that write balance of ego and humility. I'm so close to having the courage to face the page again. But I can't quite grasp the edge. I'm too afraid to let go of the safety of doing nothing.

Perhaps I should be asking for a cosmic push. *chuckles* I just contemplated prayer. That's very strange of me. Not to Him because I don't believe some guy is sitting on the throne of the heavens condemning us all. But simply to the It factor, the force, the hands of Fate. Ladies, weave my thread.

Of course, in the end I know the ultimate truth. That to take the step will simply require me taking it. Letting go. Making the leap (with faith) and hoping that I don't plummet to my death and that the next ledge, or the next vine I'm attempting to catch, the cliffs of the next mountain I'm trying to climb, won't bloody me up too much.

Anyway, tonight I simply have to face two more things before I can sleep. I did contemplate not facing them. But writing this entry made me aware of how far I've come already. If I waver on this point and don't write a poem tonight then I'm walking backwards on roads I've already passed. If I don't write a review tonight I'm soaring myself into the icy currents of wind where the only way is down instead of continuing to ride the thermal winds spiraling upward.

Onward, a poem, a review, a blog. And I'll praise myself for my stamina, my dedication, my courage, my resolve. And I'll forgive myself for not diving off the cliff into The Flight of Torque tonight and vow to stand on the ledge until I do.