Finding Home

Chapter Eleven

         Deb climbed into the Kapshaw truck, Logan at the wheel smiling shyly.  “Think you could drop me off at Kyle’s… if it isn’t out of your way?”
         Logan smiled a little and shrugged.  “No problem.”
         Deborah didn’t know what to say to Logan.  The boy was Kyle’s cousin after all which only served to make it doubly awkward.  Deb studied Logan from the corner of her eye.  There was a family resemblance, something in the sleepy brown eyes and the long, aristocratic nose.  Logan still had a bit of a baby face about him, though his shaggy blonde hair was an attempt to offset just that.
         “He’s got it pretty bad for you,” Logan offered softly, his mouth twitching into a grin.
         Deborah couldn’t hold back a smile.  “Apparently.”
         Logan kept his eyes on the road.  “He told me to put in a good word for him, if I ever got the chance.  I suppose this would be considered a chance.”
         “I see, well, now’s a good as time as any as he’s currently in the doghouse.”
         Logan chuckled and Deb found herself oddly at ease with the teenager.  He exuded the same quiet calmness that Kyle was rarely without.
         “Well, I better stand up for him then.  He’s a pretty good guy.  He didn’t even put me up to that one.”
         “Well, I’m sure he’ll appreciate your attempt.”
         Logan shrugged.  “You still going to yell at him?”
         Deb smiled grimly.  “It’s very likely.”
         “Good.  He needs it every once in a while.  I suppose we all do.”
         Deb laughed.  “You know, Logan, for seventeen, you’re pretty with it.  More than I am, anyway.”
         “I don’t know about all that,” Logan said, shifting slightly in the driver’s seat.  “Well, here we are.”
         Deb had gone this long without ever visiting Kyle at his house.  Perhaps she’d kept it that way on purpose, though looking at it now she couldn’t think for the life of her why.
         “Bye, Logan, thanks,” she offered as an afterthought, closing the truck door without waiting for a reply.  She stepped onto a stone path that led up a green, tidy yard to an absolutely flawless cottage—complete with bay window and weathervane twirling slightly on the roof.
         The house was surrounded on three sides by thick woods, a twisting, turning mass of trees—young and old—dotted with newly leafing trees and a slowly greening forest floor.
         It was like a dream.  Deb didn’t even notice Logan drive off; she stood entranced by the cozy little home.
         Once her initial reaction of shock and appreciation wore off, Deb began a slow meander up the stone walkway.  Shrubs lined the wraparound porch with the hint of blooms waiting to burst in the warm air.
         Pansies were blooming happily in a window planter.  Deb had to wonder where these little feminine touches had come from.  Despite his keen eye for architectural design, she couldn’t quite give him credit for the little decorative points.
         Remembering her original purpose, Deb straightened and stepped up onto the porch.  With a moment’s hesitation, she pulled open the screened door and knocked on the robin’s-egg blue door that lay behind.
         It took a few moments before Kyle answered the door, his fair brown hair was dripping wet and the jeans and white t-shirt he wore were spotted with wet dots.
         “Deb.  Hi.”
         “Hi.”  Her anger had dissolved after seeing the house.  Without it, she didn’t know what to say.
         “Um, come on in.  Sorry, I just got out of the shower.”  He held the door open for her.
         Deb stepped in.  “Sorry, I should have called first.”
         “No, you’re fine.  How did you get over?”
         “Logan dropped me off.”
         “Ah.”
         Silence followed and Deb knew she should break it, but didn’t know how.  What was she mad about exactly?  And was that really Kyle’s fault?
         “I like your house.  It’s lovely.  Like… a fairy tale.”
         Kyle smiled, but the tiredness was still evident in his eyes.  “That was the original idea.  I meant to sell it, but it became a part of me.  So, it’s mine now.  Plus, with the business being so new I use it to show perspective clients.  Otherwise, it probably wouldn’t look quite so put together.”
         “Smart.”  Deb nodded, admiring the clean, open space before her.  The floors were a deep, dark wood stretching into a living/TV room.  Windows covered the back wall and a large painting of a farm hung over a cozy looking fireplace.  The room was furnished sparsely with two oatmeal colored couches and a blue coffee table that matched the front door.
         “Look, Deb,” Kyle broke the silence.  “I’m sorry.  I exploded and that isn’t like me.  I’m tired and worn out and I took that out on you.  Business is crazy and my mind… it’s been elsewhere.”
         “No, you were frustrated with me and I deserved it,” Deb replied on a sigh.
         Kyle pointed to the couch and Deb sat; Kyle followed her.
         “Maybe you did deserve some of it.  I’m… I’m trying to be careful here and driving myself crazy in the process.  I don’t want to push you, and I was a little frustrated—but that wasn’t your fault.  It isn’t your fault, not even a little.”
         “But it is my fault.  I am being frustrating.”
         “Not on purpose.  You’ve changed your whole life in the past few months.  I don’t want to… add to all that you’ve gone through.  It’s an adjustment, I know, and my pushing for things to go further between us wouldn’t do either of us any good.  I’ve tried my best to keep myself from pushing and for whatever reason that frustration—at myself—led me to acting like a jerk.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You have your own life and it isn’t my job to butt into it whenever I see fit.”
         Deb sighed, looking at her twisting fingers.  “I come to yell at you and you apologize and defend me.  How am I supposed to argue with that?”
         Kyle smiled.  “That’s the idea—I’m a hard guy to yell at.”
         “I guess so.  You have to understand… when it comes to my father and finding out more about him, it’s going to be tough on me.  I just can’t take well to interference.  You’re right, I’ve rebuilt my whole life and I’ve done it my way.  I’ve never been good at taking advice, but this is especially…touchy.”
         “I’m not trying to interfere, I’m trying to give some perspective.  I know what it’s like to feel like everything is all jumbled up, like in order to figure out who you are and where you’re going you’ve got to figure out where it is you came from.”
         It described her feelings perfectly, but she didn’t feel generous enough to admit it.  “You don’t know, Kyle.  You grew up with, from all accounts, two adoring parents whom you knew and knew well.”
         “Deb.”  Kyle faltered, whatever he wanted to say in conflict with his better judgment.  His expression was a maze of feelings Deb didn’t feel able to place.
         “I’m not trying to say you’re not able to sympathize,” Deb continued, unable to sit any longer.  “But, these are things I need to work through on my own.”  She walked over to the window, taking in the perfectly manicured back lawn that butted up to the woods.
         Kyle nodded, but the familiar feeling that there was more behind Kyle than he was giving irked her.  She pushed it down and stared intently at the trees.
         “Deb” he started again.  She spared him a glance and noticed he’d gone from looking tired to looking exhausted.  Deb knew just by that look she was missing a big piece of something.
         “What aren’t you telling me, Kyle?”
         He sighed, not meeting her gaze.  “We’re not talking about me, Deb.”
         “We are now.”
         “It’s… Look, it’s a family thing.  I can’t really go into it.”
         She relaxed a moment before an idea dawned on her.  It was out of her mouth before she could laugh it off.  “You’re adopted!”
         Shock covered his face, mixed with guilt and regret.  “Deb.”
         She felt her mouth drop.  “Oh my God, I’m right,” she breathed, practically in a whisper.  In shock, she moved back over the couch and sunk next to Kyle.
         “Deb, it’s… listen, it’s important you don’t say anything.  My Mom and Dad are the only one’s that know.  And Leona.  You can’t…”          
         “I’m not a child or a gossip, Kyle.  I won’t say a word.”  But her head was buzzing.  It felt like a bizarre dream.
         “I don’t mean to imply you can’t keep your mouth shut, Deb.  It’s just, even the Kapshaws don’t know.”
         “I promise, I won’t tell them.”  She placed a reassuring hand on his, but her mind was racing with all the possibilities.
         “It’s just… it’s so complicated, and I haven’t been dealing with it as well as I thought I was.  I came back to Lilac Grove because I thought I was ready, but…” He trailed off, shaking his head.
         “I’m sorry.”  It was a lame attempt to offer some comfort, but the guilt was rising quickly too.  She’d been selfish, she’d been awful to him—and here he was dealing with similar circumstances and just as much turmoil.
         “Deb-”
         “No, I’ve been whiny and condescending and downright awful to you and you… you’ve had your own problems to deal with, and I ignored that like it was nothing.”
         Kyle shook his head, taking her hand in his.  “Listen, Deb, I’ve known for almost ten years that I was adopted and why.  I… I left Lilac Grove and came back only when I thought I’d dealt with it.  There’s just… some complications that have been bothering me lately.  But, that doesn’t change the fact that I… I’ve dealt with the whole adoption issue for ten years.”
         Deb squeezed his hand.  “And I’ve dealt with it since I was seven years old.  That doesn’t change how difficult it is, how it affects your life.  Ten years—twenty, it’s still hard.  And I haven’t…”
         “You didn’t know.  I didn’t tell you.  I don’t want you to feel like you’ve done something wrong here, Deb.  You didn’t know.”
         “I’ve been selfish.”
         “No, maybe a little self-involved, but who wouldn’t be?  It’s not an easy step…finding what there is to find about your biological parents.”
         “Then, you have?”
         His look was tortured, and Deb wanted so badly to soothe and comfort, but that was something she wasn’t at all used to.  So, she fought the urge.
         “What I say, Deb, can’t be repeated.  Not to anyone—no matter how distant.”
         “Kyle-”
         His look and tone were grave.  “Just hear me out, okay?  I… No one knows this…beyond the very few people involved.  So, I just have to be careful.”
         “Kyle, you don’t have to-” Suddenly her curiosity melted away.  She didn’t want to be a part of some family secret; it was too intimate, too binding.  It connected them, and that scared her more than her curiosity piqued her interest.
         He held his hand up, commanding silence and attention.  “I know my mother, my parents told me when they told me I was adopted.  It’s likely, however, that I’ll never know who my father was.”
         Deb felt herself fidget.  Though part of her didn’t want to know because it bound them so irrevocably, part of her felt she needed to know.  She supposed that was the part of her that was far more attached to Kyle than it should be.
         “My parents didn’t want to tell me I was adopted.  But, when I turned eighteen they came to the conclusion it was better to tell me then to have me find out if something bad happened.  I was going away to college anyway, but after they told me… I didn’t come back for four years.  I was confused and devastated and felt my whole life had been flipped upside down.  It wasn’t fair and I took my confusion and sadness out on them in anger.”
         She knew the feeling well, taking sadness and confusion and turning into anger towards someone.  Still, she hadn’t had to deal with feeling betrayed or lied to.  Her life had been what it was, a bad break followed by a good one.
         “After college, I guess I started to forgive and came back to visit and everything.  Then, at the end of last year I finally decided to move back.”  He sighed, running a free hand through the short ends of his hair.  “I knew there would never be any relationship with my biological mother even though she was mere miles away, and I loved my parents and I loved this town, so I got over it and came back.”
         Deborah maintained her silence, not just because she didn’t know what to say, but also because she couldn’t believe his mother was so close and he didn’t seem to care.
         “Have you met Logan’s Mom?”
         The abrupt change in topic caught her off guard.  “No.”
         “She’s not a kind woman or a smart woman.  She’s impulsive and selfish and brought child after child into this world without having the slightest ability to care for them.  How she and my adopted mother are sisters I’ll never understand.  But, Leona Gregg is my biological mother.”
         Deborah was shocked, she tried to put the pieces together, but her mind was unusually slow to comprehend.
         “She got pregnant at fourteen.  Embarrassed, my grandparents sent her to live with my adopted mother and father who were living in Ohio at the time.  Once I was born, I was theirs.  Leona moved back to Lilac Grove, no one ever found out she’d been pregnant.  When I was a couple years old, my parents moved back here as well and I was theirs, no questions asked.”
         Deb’s mind was racing with questions, but she kept her mouth shut.  Questions didn’t seem right, apologies, she knew, were useless, but despite understanding many of the feelings herself, she didn’t know what to say that would help.
         “A few years later, Leona was pregnant again.  By this time my Grandfather had passed away and my Grandmother was sick.  There was no one to send her away or care if she embarrassed the family.  For whatever reason, the father this time decided to marry her.  That’s Logan and all his brothers and sisters’ Dad.”
         “So, Logan is your brother,” Deborah said, practically in a whisper.
         “Yeah.”
         “No wonder you two are so close,” Deb offered, attempting a smile.  The sentiment did not seem to make him happy.
         “Not close enough.”  Kyle shook his head, emotion playing out over his face.  “Id I’d been…  If I’d thought, I wouldn’t have run off for all those years.”
         “Kyle, you were eighteen.”
         “So?”  He jumped up, the aggravation pouring out of him.  “I knew he was living in filth, in poverty with those awful people.  His salvation was the Kapshaws and thank God for them, but it should have been me.  I shouldn’t have just figured he’d be taken care of.  I shouldn’t have just left the way I did.”
         “Kyle… you can’t…” She trailed off, knowing she hated when people told her she couldn’t do or feel something.  “You were young, you were hurt.  Logan grew up with people that loved him.  Feeling guilty over that… doesn’t get either of you anywhere.”
         He said nothing, but the look her gave her spoke volumes.  It wasn’t easy to bite back her own words, but earlier that day she’d yelled at him and told him he’d never understand.  Perhaps, despite the similarities in their situations, she could never understand what he’d been through or what he felt.
         “I’m sorry, Kyle, but-”
         “No, not buts.  It’s the way it is, the way I feel.  What you say doesn’t change that.  Isn’t that how you feel about Roger?”
         “I don’t know what to say.”  Deborah felt like a weight had fallen on both of them.  It was easy to think about all the idiotic, insensitive things she’d said to him in the past, but the raw pain on his face made her own feelings seem completely inconsequential.
         “Kyle, you’ve done so much for Logan.  And, he did have the Kapshaws.  Beating yourself up over things you should have done can’t change the past.”          
         Kyle stood, walking towards one of the back windows that overlooked the wild tangle of woods.  “No, but it can’t change the way I feel either.”
         Deb stood, but stopped herself from crossing over to Kyle.  “No, it can’t.  But, wallowing in it is no help to Logan in the here and now.  He’s on the verge of adulthood.  Yes, he has the Kapshaws, but he’ll need you too.  Feeling guilty over years past won’t help him now.”
         Kyle turned back to face her, the hint of a smile on his face.  “No, it sure won’t.  I don’t think the guilt will go away, Deb.”
         “Maybe not, but you’ve looked tired and worn down lately.  Even with business booming I know it’s more than just not having enough time to sleep.  Guilt… doesn’t help you or Logan or anybody.”
         “I think you followed the wrong parent’s footsteps, Deb.  You should have been a therapist.”
         Deb offered a smile.  “I don’t know about that.  I had enough of my own problems, I never dreamed of helping anybody with theirs.”
         He crossed to her, cupping her chin with his hands.  “You’ve done a hell of a job today.”
         “You just needed someone to talk to.”  Her voice was much higher than she preferred.  “Secrets eat a person up.”
         “Mm.”  His eyes didn’t leave hers and Deb felt her stomach begin to jump.  He had a way of looking at her, with such focus, that made her want to leap out of her skin, but at the same time kept her rooted in place.
         “I’m tired of staying at arm’s length, Deb.  It feels like that’s what I’m always doing.”
         As if to prove it, he moved close enough that their bodies were pressed lightly together. 
         She knew her voice wouldn’t be steady, but she had to answer as truthfully as she could.  “I don’t know how good I can be at being closer than that.”
         “Let’s try.”
         She wanted to resist, or at least told herself she wanted to resist as his lips met hers, a soft, light meeting.  But, her body didn’t move away, if anything it moved forward, melting against him as he slowly deepened the kiss, and his hands moved from her face inching, feather-light, to her neck.
         It wasn’t like her to feel her mind go blank, but she couldn’t come up with any thoughts.  Perceptions and feelings as his tongue lightly grazed over her lips invaded her mind and made all thinking vanish.
         He took her bottom lip in between his teeth, scraping lightly as he pulled away.  His brown eyes were dark pools, mesmerizing enough that Deb’s mind still felt like empty of thoughts, but filled with sensations tangled with a need she refused to name.
         He opened his mouth to speak, but the incessant beep of his cell phone cut him off.  With a frown, he checked the display.  “Client—can’t ignore it.”  He pulled the phone from its holster, but took Deb’s wrist before he opened it.  “Don’t sneak off, promise?”
         Deb merely nodded, sinking onto the couch, her heart still an abnormal palpitation, her breathing shallow, thoughts merely a jumble just beginning to crowd the surface of feeling.  What had she gotten herself into?