Down the Rabbit Hole

Almost Done

Its almost noon of what has been a long week. The deal that has caused me heartache is within a hour of closing, hopefully...And while I am waiting for phone calls from the bank, I decided to update my blog. Its going to be a busy weekend so the odds of me having time to do this after today, are pretty slim. So basically I'm forcing myself to write something...anything so I can continue to tell myself that I am dedicated and disciplined, at at least trying to be those things. I don't know what has gone wrong with me but my heart is heavier than it was a month ago. I get more easily discouraged and frustrated than I did before. I look around and I see the world is full of couples and families and I'm fearful that I am trying to fit in, in a world where I might not belong. I try and try, but it doesn't seem to get easier and I'm sick to death of things always feeling so hard. Lately it seems if I am not close to anger, then I am close to tears. My life should seem fuller, more happier than it has, like it did once before. Instead, I am starting to feel lost and disoriented in my own skin. The other night I was talking to my girlfriend before yoga class started. She's six months pregnant and struggling with both a toddler and gestational diabetes. When she asked me how things were going, I burst into tears. She just rubbed my arm and told me its all worth it, especially in the moments when it doesn't seem like it is. I immediately felt foolish, what did I have to feel depressed about? I felt so bad for her, I should have been the one comforting her, and not the other way around. I look at her and I wonder, will I ever have the capacity to be all that she is. I feel substandard. Someone I used to love very much once told me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wife or mother material. I shouldn't try to be something I don't have the genes for...lately, I wonder if I've begun to worry that they were right about me. All this time I've been fighting to prove some asshole wrong, could I have been the bigger one?
I really don't have much to complain about. I have a great guy, a nice home, a good family, a decent job that pays the bills...so why do I suddenly find myself feeling disconnected from it all? Its silly but writing in this blog seems to help me recenter myself a bit more, like a diary I wished I kept for years so I could reach back and see where I've been and how I've come through it all.