I Love Absurdity. Don't you?

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The remaining days of my ‘holiday’ passed in what was becoming a traditional mixture of blood, followed by lethargy, followed by waking up in strange hotels with either a lack of short term memories or a corpse dumped carelessly over my face. The next thing I knew, it was the night before the apocalypse.

Waiara Secob had been busy. Her and her many avatars had gathered together an army of three hundred Earthlings. Most of them were experiencing the city as we were, finding friends and coteries in the locals, and waiting to exact vengeance on those who would be their enemies. I was very much looking forward to meeting them. We who would be the vanguard of the force that would sweep our Earth clean of the un-ones.

Until then, I lay in bed, looking up through the transparent ceiling and watching the moons move across the sky in what was looking increasingly like a collision course. The moons weren’t real, neither were the stars, but people generally found such sights easier to watch then that of the heavens speeding by.
I shouldn’t have been nervous about what was to come, I didn’t even know what to expect. Maybe there wouldn’t even be a battle, maybe Lady Secob would just kill all the filth with a snap of her fingers, and maybe the rest of us were to serve as street-side preachers. Either way, there was nothing to be worried about. But still I was uneasy, changes were coming, and we human types despise change as a general rule. No matter how beneficial and wondrous it seemed, sorry I mean no matter how beneficial and wondrous it is, my world was about to die. Everything I knew was about to be erased. I would stand with the other horsemen and tear down the Earth, the wicked would be judged and decapitated, the righteous or the halfway decent or the redeemable would be saved. You get the idea right?

Before we go any further, allow me to address an awkward plot hole that may or may not have been troubling you. Technically none of this was necessary, with tens of thousands of superhuman warriors stationed on this planet there was no need to harvest new recruits from Earth, not yet at least. Also, as you have seen, the portal technology of magics or whatever it was could send said warriors to our world in no time at all, why then send an entire planet off to fight what by all indications would be a woefully one-sided war?

The answer, put simply, is because we can. Come on, could an army comprised of self-righteous recidivists be satisfied with anything else? Granted not all were as bloodthirsty as our group, but not one of Eria Secob’s warriors would escape from the grim necessity of killing. Having time to prepare for our duty was both nice and necessary. Having your planet hanging in the your target’s sky was supposedly reassuring, and also terrifying for the enemy, and anyone else before Eria took hold of them. Then of course we needed to make a show of power so as to better facilitate our Goddess’ entrance to a new world. As much as anything else though, charging in on a planet and then striking with everything we had in a grand display was simply more fun then any more practical approaches.

Like with all interesting and exciting things however, I really just wished that it was either happening now or over and done with. I despised waiting. Admittedly though, that wasn’t the only thing that was keeping me from sleeping.

Casrathi lay silently on my chest, her body rising and falling with each of my breaths. One of her quasi-clawed hands was resting peaceably on the back of my neck, threatening to tear into the flesh should I move improperly. Don’t be mislead good reader, she was only there because I was a convenient source of body heat. Normally she found a prey fellow or fellowess and rested on top of their paralysed form, today however we were devoid of any such flesh and she had decided to use mine instead. Every so often her wings twitched, I think they were restless because they weren’t buried in someone’s shoulders.

It was still a little surprising how quickly our new group had come to coexist. Haer’daral tells me that before me and Mike came along, the two of them had sliced and diced their way from one group of villains to the next for twelve terran-standard years, that’s eighteen in his calendar. Apparently he’s a one-quarter human hybrid. The rest of him originates from a species called the Zbakat, who had formed a joint colony, Haer’daral’s home world, as a publicity stunt long before Eria Secob showed up there. I think it had something to do with it being an election year for the old Northern Alliance territories on one of the Earths. Human and Zbakat lived comfortably enough together and after a few decades of cross fertilisation of the gene pool, my new friend was born to a Zbakat female and a Half-Zbakat male with the human last name of Turcotte.

His world and all other worlds in the surrounding area had joined the Excaliban Kingdoms when Haer’daral was still in nappies. He joined the armed forces because he grown up listening to both his parents’ tales of adventure and glory. He claims to enjoy the work, but also says that were it not for Eria’s avatar in his head helping him through it, he doubts he’d be able to cope with the bloodshed. Sometimes he seems grateful of that fact, other times I get the impression that it leaves him feeling inadequate, which is of course bollocks. Whatever his motivation and strength, he still does the job, and he does it well.

Casrathi Jgarek Hbisil of the seventy first house of Gjorah Jak is a Uafaur’lkail. Never mind trying to say that ten times fast, saying it at all is challenging enough. Her world is a cold place, encased in an almost incessant twilight. These and other fortuitous ecological factors ultimately gave birth to a fearsome and proud race of cold blooded, winged hunters of whom the woman on top of me was a proud member. Apparently eighty percent of her home planet’s population go on to join the military, she’d joined up at the age of ten, that might sound young but apparently her race reaches maturity at age six. It used to be the case that they had a lifespan of only thirty years, but life in the Kingdoms has expanded that somewhat.
Apparently their culture centres heavily around the hunt and after that the spoils, specifically delightful warm blood and fresh meat. Rumour has it that un-ones are frequently sent to their planet to serve as target dummies for the young.

The two had met when they were assigned to what was, at the time, the new War World of Galahad. Alas, again, there is no great romantic or adventurous story to be had in their pairing, they met in much the same way as me and Mike had met them, predestination, of a sort. One chance encounter in the insanity zone and the next thing you know, they became a duet of doom, spreading terror into the hearts of the most beastly of brigands.

I think Haer’daral was somewhat glad of the fact that we showed up, it meant for less unpleasant holes in his person for one thing, and I’d noticed him grinning at our half frightened, half lecherous responses to Casrathi’s enigmatic actions on more then one occasion.

“Ghaek Btril left.” She said suddenly, startling me out of my mindless stargazing.
“What?”
“Six of your hours to Earth orbit. Give or take” I felt an icy chill move up my spine at those words, whatever form it would take, the war was almost upon us.
“Don’t you ever sleep?” I asked.
“Sometimes,” she said, “But the waking world’s generally more interesting.”
“Yes, I suppose it is.”
“And your world will certainly prove interesting. They say a conquest of a new world is the most worthwhile thing a soldier can partake in, and you’re getting to stand with the army on your own shores you lucky Thajasarkar. You get to save your own world.”

I frowned, it hadn’t occurred to me that this might actually be an honour. There wasn’t much that actually had occurred to me, at the moment it was just a countdown, when it was over I’d act accordingly.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, turning her head to face me and propping herself up on her jagged elbows, which she rested on my shoulders.
“Nothing’s wrong.” I said, “It’s just a lot to take in.”
“No it isn’t, you will slaughter those who your Goddess deems undeserving of life, and deliver your world to her so that she may bring about the ascension of its people. Sounds simple enough to me.”
“Well, it’s the first time I’ve ever done something like this. I guess I’m just nervous.”
“Nervous? Yes I guess that makes sense. But keep in mind this is going to be a great day for you, and Ranger.”
“I don’t doubt it.” I said, “I just wish it would hurry up and arrive.”
“Patience, it won’t be long now.”
“Patience was never my strong point.” I said.
“Mine neither.” She replied, “Do you want to get out of here? We could track Haer’daral and Mike down, or get an early breakfast? Maybe go back to that place in Cambridge with the…”
“Oh no, you’re not going to talk me into trying human meat again.”
“Maybe you’d like it more with seasoning. There’s this one heated sauce from my home world that you’d love. It’s made from the sweat of…”
“No.” I said adamantly, “It’s not the taste, it’s the principal. Would you eat one of your own?”
“No, I’m a warm-blood purist. They’re the only creatures worth eating.”
“Are we now?”
“Yes, by design. Don’t take it the wrong way, we are the predators after all, they are the meat.”

I had to smile, camaraderie in the bedroom, arguably as good as its equivalent in the field, arguably better. At the sight of it, Casrathi gave me a grin that looked satisfied, to my relief took her elbows off of me, placed her hands on the mattress and propped herself up on outstretched arms.
“This is your day of destiny Sylvester,” She said, “I won’t let you waste one more second of it with this pointless moping.”

Destiny? Of course, how could I be so stupid? This, this was what I’d been hoping against hope for each and every night. The end to the un-ones, and the end to the generally shitty state of the world that we had no other option but to exist within, until now. This, despite the futility of it my old life, was what I’d fought for. Victory was now at hand, maybe that was what was troubling. I’d never expected to win, and never much thought about what would happen if I did.

But I knew the results would be positive, and no matter what lingering uncertainties or sentimental objections remained in my head, I would carry out that which was my duty to my Empress, and also my people and my country. Same as I always had.
“Let’s get out of here.” I said.

She smiled and pushed herself onto her knees. The cover caught on her wings and ascended like a cape around her naked form. Thanks to the fact that I’d had barely any for masturbatory deeds in the last week, trying to fight against the erection was like trying to argue with the referee in a world cup quarter final against Argentina. When she lifted herself off of me and stood up, she ran her hand over it before moving off to don her underwear.

A sadist, there’s no other name for her.

_________________________________________________________________________

In what could be possibly described as a complete anti-climax, (another pun, how about that?) we ended up walking through the unimaginatively named Central Park, we had one of those in Plymouth as well. Same name and everything. Not too many other diversionary places were open yet. It generally wasn’t considered a good idea to get drunk, high or chemically unconscious mere hours before a campaign.

Normally I like stargazing, but normally I associated the pastime with a successful evasion of police investigators and a lack of cares in the world. This wasn’t quite the distraction I had in mind. Having said that, Casrathi had decreed that she would not let me waste the day in sombre angsty foolery, so I guess that’s not what I was going to do.

Question is, what would I do? The obvious answer I guess was worry about werewolves, but in the days following the attempted assassination of yours truly I had seen nothing more of the creatures. With the passage of time and the frequent usage of dear Achilles, turning me into some kind of superhuman behemoth at will, I had come to the conclusion that there wasn’t too much to be worried about.

So I looked at the stars, almost walking into a number of other restless wanderers as I did so. Casrathi was looking around herself with the precision of a hungry huntress. She seemed to think of nothing but food, but considering her species habitually threw up half of what they ate so as not to be weighed down in flight, and as such needed to eat every four or so hours I guess that’s not surprising.

“Come with me,” She said at one point, grabbing my arm and dragging me off the pathway towards a large grassy patch.
“Seen an inoffensive ferret you want to devour?”
“What’s a ferret?”
“Small furry Earth mammal.”
“Oh. No, what’d be the fun of that hunt?”
“True enough, I guess, so what’s the plan milady?”
“Defend yourself.” She said, and then punched me in the teeth.

I staggered backwards and cradled my bleeding mouth. Another punch, this one in the stomach sent me falling to the floor. As so often happens, it took me a while to figure out exactly what I needed to do. Not like the old days on Earth, let me tell you. By then though I had the hunt down to a fine art. Here I was still something of a bumbling tourist.

But before one wing mounted blade could take a swing at me, Achilles activated himself and my head was sufficiently clear for me to realise that I needed to arm myself. I pulled my recently purchased sword from the pocket plane inside my head. It was a nice looking blade, about forty centimetres long, simple black hilt which on my command would stick to me, that meant that I couldn’t be disarmed without getting my arm chopped off.

Achilles of course wasn’t at full power, we weren’t trying to kill each other, this was just a friendly sparing match. Lady Secob’s avatars in our heads would halt any blows that would otherwise kill either of us. I brought myself back to my feet, my stomach still protesting slightly with the savage blow it had just endured, and I think I may have swallowed one of my teeth, but no matter. I’d fish it out soon enough.

My blade clashed on hers and I managed to push it away. Casrathi’s other wing then promptly swung low and knocked my legs out from under me, I fell backwards and landed arse first on the grass.

Both wings were raised for a swift downward thrust. I rolled out of the way and tried to dislodge Casrathi with a low kick to her lower legs. No luck, she jumped over my swinging limb with ease. Undeterred I thrust forward with my sword and she was forced to leap back, giving me the space to get up.

I had a shield as well, it was red, shiny and about as large as my torso. I pulled this out of my head and raised it to deflect the first of the two blades that struck at me in rapid succession. The first one pushed my arm back but didn’t manage to break the shield. I managed to dodge the second, but Casrathi had closed the gap and slashed upwards with her claws, four large gashes appeared from my right thigh and stretched upwards to the bottom of my ribs. Just like the werewolf had done I remember thinking. Achilles dealt with the wound quickly enough, and the pointless thought soon dismissed itself, but in my moment of pained incapacitation Casrathi struck me in the face with an open palm, sending me stumbling backwards.

I was mismatched obviously, but I couldn’t let that be an excuse. Soon I’d be doing this for real and though part of me knew it would be nowhere near as difficult as this, I needed to make sure I knew what it felt like to wield these weapons and fight with them. I’d downloaded, (for lack of a better word) the necessary information regarding the sword man’s art. You can’t beat on the job training though.

When Achilles finished repairing my gut, I lunged forward and slammed my sword down hard into the wing that Casrathi was using to stop me from striking her in the head. The wing gave slightly but it wasn’t going to give. I pulled the sword off before she pushed me off and lunged forward with my shield, catching her in the chest and pushing her backwards a bit. With the added distance, I tried to sword again.

“Yes, that’s better.” She said, drawing a small knife from her own internal weapon’s locker. I slashed sideways at waist level before she had a chance to use it. Her wings were way ahead of me though and stopped me short of anything soft. Thus unobstructed, Casrathi threw the knife at my head, neatly slicing off my right ear. Again I recoiled in pain and again the pain numbed to a tolerable level not two seconds later.

“But not good enough.” I think that’s what she said, my hearing was temporarily impaired.

She lunged again, I sidestepped the blade and ran around to Casrathi’s left. As she turned to face me I lunged, and the wing she sent to stop me was one second too late. I tore a swath in her left leg which exploded in a flurry of white blood. Her regenerative cell structure, a gift from Lady Waiara upon her joining the Excaliban Knights, repaired the wound quickly enough, but not before she was forced onto one knee.

In retrospect I really should have moved again. As I raised my blade to strike at her head, which was I’ll a rushed and desperate move from someone who knew he wouldn’t last much longer if his opponent got back on her feet, the wing that she’d been twisting to face my heart shot forward. I ‘died’ of course, but as my body fell automatically to provide a decent show to the victor, I managed to tear a fair bit of skin off the back of Casrathi’s head. Not a fatal or even serious wound at all, but it was enough for her to call me a ‘Lakdas’ (Motherfucker).

As my knees hit the floor, my ear and teeth returned. I made a point to feel for them a number of times to make sure that they were actually there and I hadn’t mistaken the clearly solid objects for thin air and misplaced the missing pieces somewhere.

Casrathi stood up, I stayed on my knees for a while, feeling suddenly tired and eager to sleep now that there were only two hours before we had to check in with Waiara, who would be leading her small force of locals in first to carve out whatever vengeance we saw fit on a specific few before the rest of our people moved in.

“Not good enough,” Casrathi said again, “But it could’ve been worse. Practice often. Make it a routine.”
“Right.” I muttered distantly, trying foolishly to beat away a lingering ring in my ears. Realising that was pointless, I looked up at the sky, it was stupid I know, but I wanted to see if Earth was anywhere to be seen. It wasn’t, I don’t even think we were past Pluto yet.

“Get up Sylvester,” Casrathi said, “Don’t sit on your knees, it looks weak.”
“Yes mistress.” I said, trying for irony in my voice but I’m not sure how well it came out. Either way I stood up.
“Don’t worry, you’re more then prepared to cut apart the beasts on your home world.”
“I never doubted it.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
“I’m not worried.” That was almost the truth.
“I heard you sighing more then enough times in the bedroom, something is troubling you, tell me what it is, or I’ll take the answer from you.”
“Pointless irrational worry which means absolutely sodding nothing.” I snapped, “Soon it’ll be buried under a pile of un-one corpses, so don’t worry about it.”
“An irrational worry?” She sounded as if I’d just told her I was worried about acne, “You keep such a thing?”
“Yes, for now. I figure I’ll enjoy feeling it die.”
“To each their own.” Casrathi said in a voice that suggested she was resisting the urge to swat me upside the head for my foolishness, “Let’s go again.”

Her wings closed around her torso, ready to block the first strike that she was waiting for me to make. I raised my sword arm and shield, tried to come up with some kind of idea of how to defeat this grinning blade maiden in the few seconds before the fight started.

_________________________________________________________________________

The hours passed by, one after the other until Galahad came to an abrupt halt above Earth. The will of Eria Secob kept the planet from affecting any of Earth’s natural functions such as sunlight intake and tides. I had just finished getting ripped to pieces by Casrathi for the ninth time, and there it was. My home, floating peaceably in the sky. England itself was nowhere to be seen, but I imagined I’d see it soon enough.

I don’t think I can really express just how it feels to look up upon your home planet when you’re standing on another one. Vertigo doesn’t quite describe it. But a more beautiful thing I doubt I’ve ever seen.

Lady Waiara had assembled her first wave in a stone courtyard, I stood among the Earth contingent and was surprised to find that almost a third of them were no longer human. Some people I noticed had twisted themselves to resemble bird or feline hybrids. There were a few wolves, one bear that I could see. Everyone was well armed and looked more then capable to hand out death to the enemy, whoever that might take the form of.

I didn’t recognise anyone. No surprise there. But whenever I looked upon someone’s face or the back of someone’s head I found myself suddenly aware of a number of details, name, nationality, and most interestingly why they were standing here in this army, ready to fight to deliver their world to unending paradise. Let me give you some examples, put things in context a little.

Name: Gary Edward Wolfe
Age: 34
Previous Vocation: Baker.
Nationality: American
Reason: Lost his two brothers on September 11th. Eager to make sure that the kind of people who would commit such an atrocity perish from existence forever.

Name: Anne-Marie Lefévre
Age: 23
Previous Vocation: Sales assistant.
Nationality: French
Reason: Her sister was raped and murdered, the killer escaped justice due to a lack of witnesses.

Name: Denisa Anghelescu
Age: 39
Previous Vocation: Lawyer
Nationality: Romanian
Reason: Her husband was killed in a bank robbery. The killers were never caught.

Name: Nicolai Ivanov
Age: 16
Previous Vocation: None
Nationality: Russian.
Reason: Consistent bullying at school pushed him nearly over the edge. Lady Waiara got to him before he went on a killing spree, now he can fight with purpose, and will never get bullied again.

The list goes on and on. I’ll just include two more names that I think are worth mentioning.

Name: Michael ‘Ranger’ Brooks.
Age: 23
Previous Vocation: Sales assistant
Nationality: English
Reason: His father was kicked to death when he was seven.

Name: Sylvester ‘False Prince’ Wright.
Age: 24
Previous Vocation: Tour guide
Nationality: English
Reason: When I was 16 my boyfriend, Adrian, was pushed in front of a moving bus for the simple reason that he was homosexual. He didn’t survive. That’s what started me on my path.

So yes, I’m afraid our stories aren’t as cheery as my happy-go-lucky idiolect may have previously implied. Each and every one of us had a burning desire for vengeance which would soon be fulfilled, and every last waste of skin, every beast that despoiled the beautiful planet that hung above me would pay the ultimate price for their, for lack of a better word, sins.

First things first however, Waiara had some final words of encouragement for us before heading into battle. She herself was dressed in full battle regalia, it looked like she was going to join our fight. Haer’daral and Casrathi were also accompanying me and Mike into the fray, I was glad they were there. We four, friends and soldiers, fighting against pestilence.

“Your world is freed this day!” Waiara said into a microphone, “Today marks the fulfilment of your deepest desires. That which you once thought impossible, the biggest cause of despair, that most worthless of plagues that festered in each of your hearts will today be cast out, never again to return. Despair will never again find a home on your planet. It all ends today my friends, poverty, starvation, hate, jealousy, everything which detracts from our souls will be purged. Your Earth ascends today into unending peace, by our hands.”

A loud cheer was her answer. It was exciting stuff as you can probably imagine good reader, adventure of a sort. Here we were, standing on the edge of the battle listening to the rousing words from our general. I loved it, all of it.

Achilles had already readied me for the upcoming fight. Good thing too, otherwise I’d be exhausted and sore after the hours of sparring with Casrathi. All I needed was my sword or rifle in my hand and an enemy in front of me.
“Use your sword.” Haer’daral whispered, apparently eavesdropping on my thoughts. I was in too much of what was almost, almost a good mood to object. “Or your teeth. It’s much more satisfying.”
“Right.”

“Know your enemies.” Waiara continued, “Look into their filthy hearts and know their crimes before you strike them down. Know that they deserve every blow you land upon them, know that you are their judge. Know that you are their death!”

Another cheer. This one much louder. I was almost in tears at this point.

“This is your destiny.” Waiara shouted. Casrathi flicked her eyes at me and grinned, then Mike flicked his eyes at me to inquire as to why she’d done that. I ignored him. “This is why you were chosen. Know that your Goddess and your people stand behind you. Savour this day, and let it rest in your memories for all time. Ready yourselves my warriors, we ride to battle.”

A final cheer, I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t notice the fact that I was no longer on the ground. We were in flight, each of us was slowly ascending to the stars and towards the Earth. I had to laugh at this, we the angels, descending from heaven to the Earth on judgement day.

“Can’t say I ever imagined it ending like this.” Mike said, his voice dreamy and disbelieving.
“Tell me about it.” I said, I always figured we’d end up in jail.
“Depressing place,” Haer’daral said, “How can anywhere be so miserable that all sense of wonder is stamped out.”
“It’s not that bad.” Mike defended.
“It’s young.” Casrathi said, “Young worlds are the most depressing.”
“Victory!” Someone chanted from somewhere behind us. I searched the mental records and found that it was a young Mr. Craig Sanderson, an impressionable youth aged fourteen. At any other time, at any other place it would have sounded ridiculous. It might have sounded as such to you dear reader, but we were all carried away, each of us filled with joy and hope and excitement, needing only the swinging of our swords, the discharge of our guns, the twisting of our knives or a portal-summoned dragon or two to make said victory a reality.
“Victory!” Someone else bellowed.
“You’re gonna die Leslie.” The bloke flying above me was snarling, “You’re gonna fucking die!”

Adrian’s killer was, as yet, un-avenged. He was fifteen when he did the deed and got carted off to diluted-jail-for-youngsters. I didn’t know then if I was going to find him among the un-one hordes or not, but if I did I doubt I need to tell you what the outcome would be good reader. Mike, I could feel, was having the same kind of thoughts about avenging his father. Everyone, everywhere on Earth who had lost a loved one to one of the plague-beasts was in one of the waves that would descend upon the Earth. I’m unsure of the exact number, but there were a hell of a lot of us.

There was nothing else to be said, our pace had increased as the burning desire to exact vengeance had ignited to its apex in everyone’s heart. But you know, it wasn’t so straightforward. The picture, you soon come to learn, is bigger then one world, one army and one cleansing at any given time. This was what we were meant for my dear reader. This may be what you’re meant for one day, though for your sake I hope not. This was what we deserved, what we had dreamed of and though impossible, but is wasn’t destiny. It wasn’t quite the end that we all had in mind. Our story my dear friend, is far from over.

To be continued



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