Down the Rabbit Hole

Ruminating

Released from my normal Tuesday meeting lineup, I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself. I've done the distraction thing already and seeking no solace in that, I'm hoping a visit to update my blog will help. I have a lot on my mind today, none of it very positive. I hate these days when it seems that doubts have begun winning the war inside me. It takes a lot of effort to keep the numbness at bay, knowing myself and knowing that once it sets up and takes residence, it would take a monumental effort to to get me to care again, to trust again, to try again. This morning I struggled up the stairs only to lose my coffee at the top, the coffee I desparately needed, when the dog torn away from me. My shoulders sagged and I burst into tears. My secretary thoughtfully ushered me into my office and proceeded to mop up my mess why I composed myself. I have tried to do everything right but my efforts only seem to bring about more turmoil. Being honest and divulging the truth has only provided more ammunition, more evidence of how I am characteristically flawed. I hate how I've sacrificed details of my past only to have them cast back at me like daggers. I could have kept those secrets, those nuggest of shame to myself and saved myself the additional embarassement of having them trotted out as examples of my obviously deviant and untrustworthy behavior. Its all bullshit. Everything a person goes through, the lessons we claim to learn from our mistakes, its all bullshit. No one changes, no cares and no one ever forgives - right? Then why bother? Someone tell me differently...someone tell me that you can always become better than your worst mistake? That people forgive and forget? That love isn't about mistrust and defending oneself all the time? That life can blossom into the warmth of dreams? Someone tell me that hope and faith are not illusions? Today my head is pounding and I feel wornout. Maybe my soul just needs a vacation.