A little something about nothing

A tad blue

It started yesterday and has carried on today...my down mood that is. So this may be a little long winded or it may seem I’m talking in circles so I will apologize now!

Over the past few weeks I’ve realized something about my relationship with Mark and it really hit home this weekend. I’ve come to realize I have been pushing/fighting for a friendship that is mostly one-sided. I think I may have known this for some time, but have chosen to ignore it. When he is around and in the right mood we have a great time together. There are times he surprises me with things showing me he actually does care about me or thinks about me more than I ever realized. Not in “that” way, but as a friend. However, most the time our friendship is based around what is convenient for him. When he is in the mood to talk to me he’ll actually answer the phone when I call or reply to my text messages; however, lately it is sporadic. He used to call me almost every day and the days he didn’t call I was calling him.

What really got me is he told me last Monday that his ring feature on his phone isn’t working. I know his phone has been acting up so this didn't come as any surprise to me at all. Last Saturday he had sent me a text message around 6:30pm, which I was at my uncle's at the time and didn’t reply until 8ish. I didn’t get a reply so around 9:30 I sent another one. I never heard from him until Sunday afternoon. Whatever…I figured he was just doing one of his “I need my alone time” things. I was talking to him this weekend and he told me how he got a call from Lisa (a girl we go to the bar with on occasion) last Saturday around 10pm asking him if he wanted go out. He told her to call back when she decided where they were going and when she did, he didn’t want to go there. I was a little upset because first he told me his phone doesn’t ring, but he got TWO calls from her without an issue and he never even responded to my text messages, which he claims he never got. It isn’t so much a jealousy thing, but it bothers me that I feel we were close, if not best, friends and yet he has no issue ignoring me only to pay attention to a bar buddy. It makes me feel like a friend of convenience…someone that is always there for him, which he knows and uses that. The hard part is there are things he does that will then change my mind and makes me believe he really thinks of me as a close friend.

Is it a guy thing to push and pull people’s emotions like this or am I fighting for a friendship that I’ve built in my head and doesn’t honestly exist? So anyway, after thinking about it on Sunday I’ve decided I’m going to put some space between us and any contact made will come from him. That is when I started feeling very alone. Whether he was there or not I knew sooner or later he’d be back within a day or so, but now if I push him away I may be left to move on and that means being alone for a while. Yes, I have family and my other friends, but it isn’t that one friend who is there to call in the middle of the night when I’m bored knowing they are up doing nothing and able to talk or whatever…know what I mean?? I think I have been forcing the relationship to mask the longing for a true relationship I want…not a friendship, but a relationship with someone interested in me for more than just a friend. Hmm, looks like I'm in for some big changes this summer!!