Bloggin' Umholtz

Sweeping out the Attic

Occasionally things get a little cluttered in my attic. I’m not talking about the attic of the house I live in. Come to think of it, the place I live in doesn’t have an attic…well actually it does…sort of…but that’s neither here nor there. The attic I’m referring to is the one between my ears. I know when it’s getting cluttered. I’ll be going along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden these little dust bunny like thoughts will come spilling out of my subconscious (unconscious?) and interrupt my current train of conscious thought. So, occasionally I try to sweep out the attic. Here’s what has gathered so far.

A good steak is difficult to find. A good steak should stand on it’s own. There’s no need to add seasoning to a good steak. It should be flavorful in and of its own accord. If you have to ask for the A-1, it’s not a good steak.

Corn is best eaten on the cob, and what’s with all this corn-shucking going on in the supermarket? Don’t people realize that shucked corn dries out faster? Keep the husk on until right before you drop it in the pot of boiling water, people.

As a writer, names have always been my downfall. I struggle every time I have to come up with one. Now I have a name and no story. The name? Longfellow Sneede. I suspect its origins are in the name Lemony Snicket, but I like the name. I just can’t come up with a story to use it in ...yet.

I’ve discovered how Weight Watcher’s works. They charge you 39 bucks a month and try to sell you all their weight loss products. This leaves no money to buy groceries. And speaking of WW, why are they always located next to restaurants? The one I attend is next to a Chinese buffet.

Note to self: Wipe duck sauce from beard before going to WW meeting and don’t order take out on the cell halfway through the meeting. For some reason people get upset with that.

College Interns are getting younger. That, or I’m getting older. Nope, definitely the former.

People seem to always be in a hurry to get to the next traffic light. Why?

People can’t seem to understand why they get tickets for running red lights. Why?

There is this strange cult that appears to be growing exponentially daily. It involves the worship of cell phones. Some doctors believe it is an addiction. I believe it’s a cult.

Note to Self. Charge battery in cell that hasn’t been used in six months. Where’d I put it anyhow?

Apparently Prognosticators predict the world is going to end on Dec 21st 2012. My question is, what’s going to take its place? And am I invited?

And Finally,

Nest time I should use the industrial strength shopvac to clean out the attic. Put the hose to my ear and flip the switch. I’ll never feel a thing.