My Blog

Catching Up!

Well...I've been away, as you've all noticed. I'm a manager at McDonald's in downtown Winona now. It's great, but a lot more hours, naturally. Anyway...I'm busy as hell and I got in the habit of not writing...which is a very bad habit, indeed! So, I'm trying to get back on track that way. I also have been not working out like I was, so I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise program, too. The hard part of that is the stress I'm under at home. The job is nowhere near as stressful as living with a man with unpredictable mood swings and a nasty temper.

Today, he's been wonderful. The sex was fantastic this morning. But, I didn't come home after walking out on him night before last night. He got into his threatening mode, and I said, "I don't have to sit here and take this shit." and walked right back out the door. I had been out all day with a friend from work playing video games, didn't do anything wrong, per se...unless you consider flirting wrong. But, if it doesn't lead to more, I see it as a harmless distraction. Hell, he's about to leave his gf, and I'm considering leaving Scott...he's just too mean and nasty when he gets like that, I can't take much more of it.

Everyone at work tells me to leave him, of course. They're all willing to help me find a place and help me move. The night I stayed out all night, I had a few different people, including my boss, ask me why I didn't call them...I could have stayed with them if I needed to get out. I love my co-workers/friends. I just wish I could leave him as easily as that...but he really can be wonderful when he wants to be. He's just got control issues, is the main thing. Since I'm working full-time and no longer have to ask for money if I want something, that's really buggin' him. But, that's his problem.

I wish he could be like he was this morning, all the time. That would be great. Part of me still loves him, but I'm starting, slowly, to hate him too. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to move on. I hope. He thinks cuz he has a 100,000 life insurance policy on himself with me as sole beneficiary that that's why I'm staying. Bullshit. I don't care if he's 21 years older, there is no guarantee I'll outlive him. He could live 20-30 more years, like I'm going to stay with an asshole just for a POSSIBLE pay off? Fuck that. I'm NOT his personal whore. I really do think that's all I really am...to him.

He thinks cuz he doesn't cheat on me and gives me whatever I want, financially/materially, that I should be happy.

Fuck that.