Mental Meanderings

Manic Crash

Well it certainly didn't last very long but I expected it at least. Manic highs are ALWAYS followed by equal lows. I DID force myself out of bed and I'm blogging which is a good sign. All is not lost I suppose.

Still, it's the same old rollercoaster and I'm very sick of it.

Don't you hate feeling like there are limited choices? Like what happens today is what will happen tomorrow and six months down the line you're where you were six months ago? It brings to mind the mouse in milk pail. You know, a mouse fell into a pail of milk and for a while he swam to keep his head above the surface. Then he began to tire and considered giving up. But as his head went under the surface he pulled himself back up and swam and swam until he churned the milk to cream thick enough to stand on and managed to climb out.

I feel like the mouse in the milk but I don't know if I can keep swimming. I've been here so long and the milk isn't getting any thicker. I guess I should take solice in the fact that it's not really getting any thinner either.

Why do we struggle on like this day after day? Is there a point?

I know what keeps me here is my children. When I sink into these sorts of lows is their needs that keep my head above the surface. I can't deny them their mother and I can't turn their lives upside down. Sometimes I think even that is selfish. Surely they'd be better off in someone elses care. Someone who is not so mentally unstable.

This too will pass, I remind myself. It is a low and I'll come up again by pushing through it, moment by moment. Meanwhile, the outside world is locked out and I disappear under blankets. Sleep a little, don't sleep a lot, read, watch movies, and just lay there stare at nothing and wonder why I'm still trying to churn the milk.

This is life.