A little something about nothing

Facing Reality

I know I've written many times before about my up and down relationship with Mark and to be honest I wasn't going to write about it now; however, it won't leave my head and what better way to get it out...WRITE!

I believe I have known this for quite some time, but in the past few days it has really been sinking in. I think it is because I went to a gathering/meeting on Tuesday with this new organization I've been volunteering with. They bring up topics and ask the people in the group to get up and share their thoughts on it. Being that is was my first time and I am shy I chose to sit and listen instead of speak! Anyway, for the month of August they are discussing different aspects of relationships. Next week, which I will unfortunately miss, is about healthy and unhealthy relationships.

After leaving there I started thinking about it and when I got to unhealthy relationships in my life I instantly thought of Mark. I have even started writing a pro and con list...three guesses, which side has more on it?!

Okay, I realize he isn't a terrible person and I also realize that the bad in the relationship isn't only him. As much as I would like to think I am a perfect friend, Lord knows that is not true. What I have also come to realize, which is no fault to Mark, is that our relationship is based on a fantasy I have created in my head, which gives me the illusion that we are the best of friends and that he thinks and feels the same about me as I do for him and our relationship is equal give and take emotionally and monetarily. Another part of this fantasy is that he is my "go to person." Whenever something good or bad happens, whenever I feel like bsing no matter what time of day it is and no matter if it is a deep topic or why the sky is blue and not gree, when I feel like doing something other than being a couch potato, etc. that I could call/txt him and he'd always be there to respond. The reality that has sunk in is this is not how our relationship is when I take my rose colored glasses off.

This has led me to think about why I have such craziness going on in my head...regarding this topic anyway! What I've come up with is it must stem from a fear to be alone. Maybe because I am getting older and still haven't found that Mr. Right...heck, not even a Mr. Right NOW for that matter. Not even just for the romance part, but I truly miss having a "go to person." Most of my friends and family have their own lives to live and the majority of them are doing so with their significant others and/or children. I completely understand that and would never expect them to give that up just to sit by the phone waiting for me to call. I just wish I had what they have.

Now comes the hard part. Now that I've realized this and I realize I need to back off from my relationship with Mark (it has taken many years to get to this point) I'm not sure how to do it. For 7 years we have been doing this, which involves talking nearly every day on the phone and or email/IM and hanging out with each other weekly if not multiple times during the week (slowed down a bit since we live apart, but there are times). I will never completely cut him out of my life, but I need to not always be available or waiting for him and his ideas so I can move on to bigger and better (hopefully) things in my life. I think I've hesitated up until this point because I knew I'd be starting over again being alone and finding new things to start doing and new people to do it with, but I honestly think I'm ready.