On My Happy Cloud

I think, I think, I think

I think this birth control is making me over sensitive and emotional...and well, sad. I don't have reason to be sad. I don't have reason to want to isolate myself from people but I feel very detached. Very detached indeed.

Oh my goodness, my relationship is great. If only I didn't hold onto things I shouldn't hold onto. Things I should have already let go of. Thankfully, I can talk to him about this. And thankfully he has enough patience to tell me over and over again, I'm the one he wants to be with. He knows I need constant reassurance and he loves me enough to give it to me, to prove to it to me. I don't have anything to worry about and he thinks that may be what the problem is.

I just need something to worry about, perhaps because life doesn't seem real otherwise. Much like those who cut themselves to feel pain. I understand that. I can't just be content. I doesn't seem right.

I've been reading my latest Shambala Sun magazine about Thich Nhat Hanh. It's amazing. He is teaching me so much. I learn to fall in love with Buddhism again, with the dharma and beauty. I even learn to fall in love with love again. And I'm reminded how much of that I've lost. So much I've learned and so much of it I've lost. I'm losing my beginner's mind and that's something horrible to lose. I must be determined to gain it back because I want to be where I was when I first started learning when I could show myself what I was doing wrong and what could make my life better.

Blah. I'll keep reading.

Elaine Bradley