On My Happy Cloud

Emotional Vacation.

I don't really feel like writing. I'm in one of those moods where I feel depressed...anxious. I was so anxious and restless this weekend. It sucked. It's the worst feeling to have.

I had a dream last night that has had me thinking about things. Nothing significant, but things are going to change. I can feel them and I think that's what is making me nervous. Everything with Ryan is good, great. I don't anyone to think that it's him or us. We're....great. So great in fact, it seems impossible but I try not to gush on that as much as possible. I just think I'm going to take a break from things. I don't think I'll be on here to write much for a while. Nor myspace or face book. I'll check on things, maybe. But that's it. I just need to relax. I've got some things on my mind bothering me and for some reason I rely on my dreams so much to tell me things and well, my dream last night has really changed a lot of the way I think. Probably not a good thing. We'll see. I just need an emotional vacation.

Sorry if it's confusing. I just feel let down. Betrayed. Mostly things of my past. Things I can't let go of. Things I thought I eliminated. The truth is they've always been with me. No matter how happy I thought I was, they were still there, locked away in a chest for me to have access to whenever I felt like it. Whenever I felt I needed something or someone to blame. Things to torture me and make me miserable when I don't have any of that around presently. Why is it that even though I'm so happy and content I constantly feel like I need to pull up drama all around me? Why can't I just give up all the things I felt betrayed by, all the people who have hurt me with words and actions that should mean so little to me now? Ryan is so good at letting go of the past. He easily forgives people (or else just easily forgets) I just can't let it go. There was a chunk of my life where I was as low as I could ever get, as low as I've ever been and even though I needed someone to be there for me everyone just ran away. And I want to but I can't let it go.

Talk about major grudges.

See you sometime soon, I hope.

Elaine Bradley