The Undiscovered Country

They Call Me Mellow Yellow . . .

What is it about using lines of songs for my titles lately?

How is it a song I haven't heard in years pops into my head and won't leave?

Can you explain why the blue of my last entry shows up only in the title on my computer at work, but the title and the text below it shows up as it's supposed to on my computer at home? How does it look on your screen?

In one of our many conversations last weekend, my sister, Margaret, and I talked about the necessity of interacting with other people. We’re not meant to be alone all the time, because we will go insane.

One benefit of being around others is their ability to see things we miss - especially about ourselves.

I want to highlight two comments Nada left in my blog since I started discussing my pregnancy:

From "My New Companions" : Wow Viv...may I point out that motherhood is mellowing you? Soo adorable, and enjoy the bonuses now!

From "Counting Dollars" : Viv, surely you are not questioning how to just believe anymore. God has blessed you in so many ways. So wonderful to witness your happiness now!

I admit to sensing a change - a certain calmness I’ve rarely felt before, especially not for any great length of time. I wondered at that at first, even considering if I had set my faith aside because my mind was so caught up in my pregnancy. I felt a little like Abraham, how he loved Isaac so much, God tested him to see if the love of his son exceeded is love of God. Had I reached a point where my child means more to me than God?

After mulling over Nada ’s comments, I realized I didn’t set my faith aside at all, but instead grew more comfortable with it.

There’s also an added element: Life isn’t just about me anymore. I can’t worry about the nuances and small shadows of my life and my faith, because there’s a helpless human I now have responsibility for. He needs the focus and attention I once used for the little things that in the end matter so little.

I still talk to God all the time, perhaps not as much as I should or need to, but I’m not sweating it, either. I still want my faith and relationship to grow stronger, but I’m not pushing it to the point of stress. When God wants to teach me something, he’ll let me know.

It’s a strange, but ultimately freeing to know God walks with me, and is ever-attentive even when I don’t feel him near. Without any conscious effort, I now trust him more with what I can’t control.

Perhaps I learned a little patience after all - both with myself and with God.

That’s not to say I won’t have trials and tribulations, but that’s in the future. Jesus spoke at length more than once the importance of not worrying, and living in the moment. It only took me 38 years, but I now understand why.

Too busy worrying about future and past what-ifs, we can’t enjoy God’s gift of the Now.

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Many times I’ll write an entry a day before posting it. As a consequence, I later have to either change it or add to it later because something happened or changed.

Today’s entry is no exception. I had another doctor’s appointment and ultrasound this morning. My mom met me at home then we drove separate cars to the clinic, and we met Dave there. We had a few minutes to chat before we left the house, and Mom noted also how calm I am.

Not only is it because of the reasons I noted above, but being pregnant is a natural progression of life, much like breathing. While I’m so looking forward to meeting the little one, the pregnancy part - especially since it’s progressing normally - is not something to be anxious or excited over. Even though I’m feeling Thomas, and seen much of him in now three ultrasounds, he’s still an abstraction. Seeing him, touching him, and hearing him once he’s born, however, I know will change me in a way I can't imagine or describe.

I told Dave the other day I did hope Thomas would perform during the ultrasound. I couldn’t get over the first time watching him move around, and I wanted Mom to see that as well.

He didn’t disappoint. At one point he kicked hard, and I felt that. The rest of the time, though he moved a lot, I didn’t feel much of it. He’s still too small, yet. The technician measured his spine, his skull, brain, his little bladder, stomach, arms and legs. We saw not only his heart beating, but all four chambers of his heart working. Now that was neat! Mom was as awed as I hoped she would be.

Thomas weighs a mere 12 ounces, so now I call him my little Pop Can.

Afterwards I met with the doctor. I had a few concerns, such as carrying the baby so low and some aches and pains in my lower abdomen. He said not to worry about either. Carrying a baby low is typical, and the aches and pains are the normal part of the uterus expanding. In short, everything is proceeding as it should, both for me and the baby.