My True Soul

Busy busy grasshopper in ant wars 2007

I've not really updated in a bit, but only because of how busy I've been and the lack of internet service. School started on the 20th. My computer broke. Manda got hers fixed, but we had no phone line, no internet at all. Now mine's back and we have a phone line. I'm supposed to be packing to go home, but I just really don't want to. I also need to take a shower.

School is school, really. But the last 2 weeks have been busy with everything being like it has been. Plus, it's been expensive. Quite expensive. And it's not over, lol. Not yet. Still gotta get the gas.

I've been seeing a counselor for the past 2 weeks as well. It's been helping some, but he's not really been telling me anything that I didn't already know or that someone else hasn't already told me. I guess he just helps because he's completely on the outside. Maybe. I'm not sure. But in any case, it makes me feel like I'll be able to do the job I want in the future. And less like a failure for having to go to him.

Er. Spanish is killing me. I feel really bad and dread going to that class everyday. I used to really enjoy Spanish but the last 2 classes I've had... I don't know, it's sucked some of the enjoyment out. I guess because I feel like I'm behind. Geology is actually fun. Criminology is... eh. And the class I was looking forward to they most has basically been a let down, that really kind of sucks.

I still am having problems dealing with my parents. I'm beginning to finally realize that I can't control how they're going to feel about what I do/say. Or really how anyone else feels about what I'm going to say/do. That their feelings are their feelings and while I shouldn't be a bitch to them, I shouldn't spend so much time worrying about everyone else's feelings.
Something like that.

Stuff with Manda is different, but nice. I don't think either of us knows what's going to happen in the future. Or what to do with our families. I don't know where I'll be in a year and she may not even be here. We both know at one point our families will have to know about us, but right now, neither of us are ready for that.

It's really saddening to me. To love her as I do and not know what's to come. But at the same time, I'd rather spend the time I know we have being together, enjoying spending time with one another, and loving that time. You can't predict the future. And if it's going to work out, it will, if we want it to.

We have times where we both jump to conclusions and make mistakes still. Of course. But this time around, I don't know, it feels different. When we do talk, it feels more real than it has in a long time. I've been trying really hard to let her know how I feel and listen to how she feels. To ask her questions. To take her word without doubting it. (To do like I had originally wanted to do, like I did do in the beginning)
Mostly I've been doing it without really trying, just doing it. It feels so nice just to open up and talk to her. It always has.

I feel like I've always done this one thing though. I know I did it before. I'd get into a relationship, be in it for a while, then I'd just stop telling how I felt. I'd get SO concerned with not wanting to be a bother or saying the wrong thing that I wouldn't say anything at all. I won't say how I feel in fear that it'll mess things up. Then... in the end, me being like that messes things up anyways.
I'd be too afraid of what the other person would feel, of hurting them, of messing things up, that eventually it'd mess it up anyways.

Can't be in a relationship with someone and constantly hide your emotions, doubt them, or constantly fear hurting them... cause by fearing hurting them and thus not sharing yourself with them... you're still hurting them.

I acted that way, it's out of love, but it's not healthy or good.
Now? I don't really feel like I'm doing it that much. I feel more real with her than I have been in a long time.

I noticed the other day she was checking to see if I updated this journal... so... I have now, haha. It's kinda weird I guess. She reads all this... but while I'm writing it, I try to forget that she does. Then that way, I'm more open, I write freely here, more so than any other online journal. I feel like this one has been the most true I've ever been to myself. Plus, I normally don't write out of anger in this one.