What a wonderful world!

Dead again!

I hate myself! I really do! Allah allmighty, what exactly am I being punished for? I never intend to hurt or harm anyone in anyway, then why me?

Paralysis is not new. But yesterday, I got paralyzed in the car! My foot is really bothering me for some days, but I have to cope up with it, cause brooding about it won't get me anywhere!

My foot is still swelled up like a drum, and I spent quite sometime in my washroom, weeping behind the lingering sound of water from the shower, because I couldn't take the pain anymore.

No, I'm not saying all these to catch everyone's attention, I don't want people to say oh, poor thing! I just need prayers, my friends.

I don't go to college, because it's very far from home. I can't visit my friends even if I feel like running to them, cause I can't travel alone. I can't go to my tutor on time because I don't get my car on time.

This is the only place where I can come, and travel through the whole world on my own. Even if my foot ceases to work, and I have to balance my whole body only on one foot, still, my hands work, and I can at least type.

I know I have to be positive, but why always me? Why am I the only one to do all the sacrifices? Only because I can't walk without a walking stick?

Last sunday, I went to my tutor without my stick and dropped down on the road. People just turned around and looked at me like I'm an alien!

It's not easy to keep on smiling with a constant hammer inside my body. But I have to do that, because my nephew and niece depend mainly on me. If I don't feed them, they will never eat properly, if I don't play or teach them, they'll feel sad, if I weep in front of them, they'll feel bad.

My family is very supportive and also sensitive about me. My mom will start wailing if I weep, my dad'll go crazy if I get hurt. My brother will wipe any obstacle that comes in my way, my sisters will even give up their life for me.

Still, I sometimes curse my parents, cause it's because of them I'll have to stay crippled for my whole life. They didn't give me proper treatment when there was time.

I know I'm much better off than many of my siblings, but I wanna play outdoor sports like my other friends, I wanna jump, run, climb up the stairs. I wanna go out alone. I wanna go on picnics with my friends, I wanna wear heeled shoes...and I wanna walk WITHOUT THAT GOD DAMNED STICK! I wanna get a nice look, like many of my friends, but I'm not pretty! I wanna wear anklets, but I can't. I wanna be tall, but I'm not!

The only thing I can do now, is study hard. But I can't pull up my grades even if I try to, cause I did not do so well in my Jan 07 exams. The highest grade I can get in economics, is B. Wish I had an A.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes as I type. Maybe tears is all I have left for myself now.

I feel surprised when I think that I used to be a straight A student once, and now....How would one feel to see their grades falling from 98 to 34?

Patience .... let me see what patience can do now? Sometimes people ask me, why don't you feel romantic towards anyone? Romance and me? Huh! Loving someone would be like ruining his life, how can I do that?

Dreams ... Ambitions ... Love....No no, no way! A caged bird can only wait for death. I was supposed to die in my mom's womb, then why didn't I? So that God almighty can play a joke with me?

Take a shower, and go to the study...I can't do anything else. Grades? Will grades mean anything to me? I wanna be a teacher in future... can I be one?

One thing is definitely true: NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, A CAGED HUMMINGBIRD CAN NEVER FLY!