Blog Journal

Black Bird..wasn't in my dreams

As all The energies aligne. I dream of being in class. My teacher is talking. But the words don't mean a thing to me. He sits down and the room becomes silent. I'm looking around the room. I have a work sheet in front of me...algebra.. or at least that's the class I'm suppsed to be in. The the letters and problems fit some strange form I've never seen befor. I get pissed. I look at the teacher who acts like asome kind of avalilist. I say. are you going to teach us this or not? do we at least get a book to reference this? suddenly I notice a book on my desk. He says looking at me like I'm tarded. and says ok class turn to page 337. a little girl comes over to me; she's about 9 years old, and says she forgot her book can she look at mine. I feel confused. what kinda brainiac child is this. I smile and say sure hon. I try to remember the page number after becoming disracted. I can't. Feeling more and more frustrated and incompitant of a subject I know backward and forward. The teacher is suddenly way ahead, beginning to teach. The little girl, is calm and helping me to find the page. We finaly do. The class is acting as though this is rediculas. and everyone is glairing at me. I don't care really. I have to learn this. I refuse to get a grade lower than a b+. I myself need to know this, good for you if you already do. The avangilist teacher has flat screen moniters behind him flashing with different images all are him and self praising of his excellece. They speack in turn, while he himself speck only of himself and his brilliance. I am trying so hard to figure out what is going on. he's talking like that trig teacher in Better Off Dead. everyone else seems to get it. I'm like, This class is waked. He's speaking words I understand, but put's them in some forgien order. I'm thinking what an egocentric ass. I'm suddenly sitting in a different spot and a different girl is sitting next to me. She looks at me and says "you're dumb". Though I really didn't take this personally, sense I felt exactly that and I know that I'm not as a person, "dumb". I look at her and say yea well you're fat and ugly", knowing that as a person she more than likely fealt this way. she reteats her eyes looking down intoher book. I see her inner conflict, but don't feel bad for what I said. instead, was sad for her that she believed this to be true of herself. I didn't really see her as fat or ugly. I was actually thinking how well her curvrd figure suited her and her face was more than beautiful. Her soft clear complection, the way she was drest and wanting to say I love those mode black glasses on you. No matter the class has been dismissed. I sit at my desk watching a few students talking to the avangelist mathmatician. I go sit next to him and ask him to please explain this material to me. He says in slowed dumbed down words, "how is your vocabulary. I think for a moment and say it's good. He says snottily, well it has to be as "good" as mine. I think what a pig. I'm going to drop this class and walk out. I hate the feeling I'm in. Frustrated, because I really don't want to drop this class.... I think I will get into another class. For some reason this feels imposible. I leave the campus, with the a dumed taste in my mind.



Dream work:

Dream work doesn't come from images. It's how the images made you feel that matters. I felt dumb, frustrated, missunderstood as well as looked down apone. I felt a need to do something about "it" but fealt as though I was stuck with two dicisions, neither of which made me feel any better. They were both equally unpleasent.. in diffrerent ways. I fealt bad for knowing how to bring down the girl who attempted to bring me down. I fealt bad for knowing what I said would ring true in her mind, she's thought this of herself for maybe her entire life. The words I chose to define her were already well understood by her ego brain...she agrees. She is an aspect of myself from many moons ago, the teacher is an aspect of myself from how I see my boyfriends interperetation of me. The little girl gave me a happy and sweet feeling, she is another aspect of me. I love the purity and unjugmental childs mind. oddly though she was wearing a very large clock around her neck that I gave little notice to....much how I live my life at the moment. I realize right now I am her. wearing a heavy time bomb around my neck and being child like not caring about it. I feel at this moment that I have got to bring time back into my world... now is the time. I wont be making it to springsamester if I don't get up off my ass. If I take nothing more than  my algebra class I would be happy. I love numbers, and have lost sight of the functions, It makes my brain and heart hurt that numbers suddenly seem like a forgien language I onece new very well and now after a very short piriod of time and having lithium toxisity that stole frome me simple cognitive skills. I used to be a much better speller, and had a better memory. people now have to repeate things to me they just barely said. For me I can talk extra intellegently, but write and other simple former tasks frustrate my damaged mind. I'm trying so hard to help my mind rewire actually hoping I will achieve a higher intellectual level than before. I research everything. I have read that lithium causes the brain to increase in grey matter. I know that the most brillient people in history had gone through some type of brain possioning. I have a brother in law who suffered from severe brain dammage after a car accedent he spent 6 mo in ICU and another 6 in the hospital going through intensive cognitive therapy. He should have died he had less than 1% chance of servival, but his will was stronger than the doctors percentage. He never spoke any spanish before and suddenly speaks it fuently, he has no inhibitions at all. he smiles and laghs like never before. I think to myself....what a woderful job his mind did.... he is even better than her was before. he went through a lot of frustration and break downs to get where he's at today. He inspires me. His minds was almost dead. I hope that mine will do the same.

enough said.