Diary of a Middle-aged Woman

The Grocery Shopping List From Hell

My mother just left this week's grocery list on my answering machine. It sounds more like a scavenger hunt list than a grocery list.

A few weeks ago she had Cascade on her list. "I want the Cascade for washing dishes, but not the one for dishwashers."

Last time I checked, Cascade was dish washing liquid for dishwashers. So, I called her to find out what it was that she really wanted.

"Cascade makes a dish liquid for washing dishes without a dishwasher. You have to look for it, but they do make it."

Okay. Off to the supermarket to find this new product. I stood in the dish liquid aisle scanning the bright colored liquids until my eyes fell on the Cascade section. Every bottle was for cleaning dishes in a dishwasher. I walk away empty-handed. When I deliver the groceries I tell my mother they didn't have her Cascade, only for dishwashers. She informs me that I was looking at the right thing and I should have bought it. "Now what am I going to do all week without dish liquid?" The added guilt-trip was a nice touch on her part I thought.

Next week Cascade is on the list again. This time I buy the nearest bottle satisfied that I had gotten what she wanted. I deliver it and everything is great. "Good. That's exactly what I wanted." I point out that it says right on the bottle that it's for dishwashers, but she stands firm in her belief that this is for washing dishes without a dishwasher. Three days later she leaves her shopping list on my answering machine with the added comment, "you have to get me some kind of dish liquid. This Cascade you got me is for dishwashers. I can't use it."

This is where I went temporarily insane and began banging my head on the nearest wall.

The following week she wanted Easy-off oven cleaner. "I want the kind that doesn't have fumes." Fine. I go to the cleaning products aisle and stare at the oven cleaners. There are only two types of Easy-off; one in a blue can and one in a yellow can. I buy the one that says "fume free" right on the can. I deliver the groceries and head home. Once inside the door, the phone rings. It's my mother telling my answer machine that I bought the wrong kind of oven cleaner. "You got this and it's not what I wanted. I wanted the fume free kind" I pick up the phone and tell her I got the fume free Easy-off. I also tell her there are only two types of Easy-off. "Well, it must be the other one then because this is wrong."

One week her list had the item "toilet doodads". I'm at the supermarket more than twice a week, and I don't remember seeing anything labeled as "toilet doodads" - ever. Once again I need clarification on what she truly means. "Those things you hang on the side of the toilet bowl." "Do you mean toilet deodorizers?" I ask, showing-off my product knowledge. "Whatever they're called, that's what I need", she answers completely unimpressed by me.

Another time there was "house spray" on her list, which when translated is air freshener. These are just examples of how she butchers cleaning products. She's just as bad when it comes to food items. Here's a short list:

- baby-shit mustard - French's Yellow Mustard
- stove-pipes - rigatoni
- cream cheese in the tub, but not the kind you spread - ? (I still haven't figured this one out)
- chicken a la king - chicken chow mein - I don't know what her problem with this one is. Somehow, I'm supposed to know what she really wants.

I just checked this week's list. "I want Hollandaise sauce, but not the one that you usually get me - the other one." Okay. I can see I'll be spending a good part of my Saturday hunting down the elusive "Hollandaise".