Starting Over...

Belief

Through cycles of peaceful panic
I lie
prone on the bed
to sleep
Escaping into the safety of my nightmares.

I just feel so helpless. My counselor said it best. Choose the job that will help you to achieve your goals. Maybe it's time to give up on the clinical lab job. I'd hate to think I'm selling myself short, but honestly, what are my requirements?

*A simple 9-5 (or 8-4:30 as the case may) M-F
*I want my weekends and holidays.
*I need my health benefits.
*I would like to stay within the university fold (even though I hate it).
*I would like to make at least $23000/yr (my liveable salary)
*A non-committal route would be preferable if graduate school is in my near future.

Really, neither the vivarium nor the clinical lab fullfilled all of these requirements. Both required weekend and holiday hours (less so for the clinical). The vivarium in particular seemed to be setting me up to drive myself into the ground (requiring extra hours at the coffee shop in addition to my courseload).

The clinical lab would be taking my mental energy in a direction I hadn't planned to go (although I was intrigued and would have been willing to give it a try). Can I really work toward graduate school in Environmental Science while being certified in cytogenetics? I keep telling myself I could. What if Env. Science isn't where I'd be happiest? Does it not make sense to turn down any opportunity to learn? God knows, I've had my share of curve balls in my life.

It's hard to believe in myself when things are in such disarray. Maybe I'm no better than a cashier at a fast food restaurant.