On My Happy Cloud

The Most I've Cried

In a long time. I'm damn near in the middle of a panic attack, one I've been holding back and refusing to let it loose. It's all been building up for the last month. This month has been awful despite the happy birthday and the wedding. Emotionally it was disaster.

There is so much inside me....so much I don't say....to anyone. I don't know any of it myself, really. I'm just weak. I'm irresponsible and I don't say that lightly. I can't do anything right. I screw up everything I attempt, everything I touch turns to shit.

It was hard when I lived alone in my apartment but I felt the strongest then than I ever have in my whole life. Independent...free. Now I live with Ryan and anytime I feel like shit or I'm stressed out and he wants to know I have to tell him. He thinks I'm dependent but I've never given him any reason to think so. I've had a taste at being independent and I quite like it and he knows. Why can't I feel strong with him? Why do I feel like I'm losing my mind and letting things slip when I lived by myself and had no money I felt more in control?

I want to let him know I can take care of myself without hurting his feelings. I DO NOT want someone thinking I depend on them.

I wish....I just wish that when I feel like this I didn't have to hide it. That I could say something...everything to him and not feel ashamed or feel like he would be annoyed with his crazy girlfriend. I wish I could just tell him everything I feel and him hug me until I felt better. Instead the tapping of these keys sound loud as chainsaws and I can't breathe because I'm crying too much.

Anxiety attack. That's all it was. I just want everything to fall into place. Right now.
Elaine Bradley