On My Happy Cloud

Baby Blues

I have to be honest here.

I was thinking the other day how my life is good. It could be better, as everything always can but I kept thinking something was missing. You know what I automatically thought of without stopping myself? A baby....ok, I said it.

Lately, I have been feeling like I want one. But I've never been the person to dream of having kids...considered it, yes but wish for it...no, not really. It's my view...that I have to be willing to give up my own life for this child. Put all my energy into it. Never be selfish again. To forget about everything I want for once. If I had a baby, I would be ready. Up until recently I would think...oh, my it would be fun but then I stop and ask...are you willing to give up your freedom to make sure your baby grows up with EVERYTHING it needs? And the answer would be no. So now, I ask myself this question and the answer is "yes." Actually, I don't mean right this instant. I mean in a few more years. I will be ready finally. Emotionally, I mean. If I'm not completely ready, well I can take the next couple of years to get that way. I'm sure any mother would tell me that it's not up to anyone else to decide when the time is right. Well, unless you are 13 or something. Ha. Even my friend Jennifer said "Nothing you can do will 100% prepare you for having a baby."

I guess my desire to be willing to sacrifice things to make sure the baby grows up happy comes from the fact that my parents were still in highschool when they had me and faaaaar from ready to have a baby. They were ready to have one when Mel was born and mom was 28 years old. But not me. I grew up feeling I was ripped off and it was unfair. I don't want my baby feeling that way.

Oh my, enough with that.

Honestly? I don't have anything to complain about. Even if I wanted too. Even if I do complain I have to remember to stop, mentally slap myself and say "Stop whining and figure out what you're going to do about it."

I think this stress comes from the fact that I haven't meditated in so long. It's so much easier to gather your thought and keep them centered when you meditate. Sometimes my thoughts and emotions feel like helium balloons released into the air and me jumping up and trying to grab them all at once. Weird, I know but when I meditate I feel more in control like I'm holding them all with me.

Anyway, Ryan should be home from class soon and I have some laundrey to do.

Much love and thanks for caring

Elaine Bradley