My True Soul

Finalmente, un palabra mala... haha, j/p

I've been trying to start writing what will essentially be the basis for my letters of intent for grad school. But, I keep kinda getting snagged up. I think it's because I've been wanting to actually write about what's been going on and I feel like if I don't write about it, get it out, just talk about stuff, then my letter is going to seem fake. And perhaps insincere. Don't need it to be that way at all.

Today's the 13th of November... which means it's a month exactly til my 23rd (yikes) birthday. I wonder what my 17 year old self would have thought about me now. Don't know if anyone else ever wonders that one. Probably most people wonder what their 25/30 year old self will see, but not the other.

I keep doing this thing where I feel like I'm doing good, going ahead, then I hit a brick wall, bounce off it saying "shit shit, I didn't see that coming!" Then I have to regroup.

Last week I went to see several of the professors I was hoping to get recommendation letters from. One of them, especially, was just really kick ass. He actually did the entire letter in front of me, it was a page and a half long, and just awesome. It was really strong. Then... I went to see another prof. And that just went... badly. She wanted 4 different things, acted pissy because I didn't have them, and how dare me want them anytime before Christmas (even if it was just 1 that I really needed before then.) In general, she just really gave me a lot of shit about it, acted like a complete bitch, and ergh... I just wasn't that sure about her doing one in the first place. She's bitter and mean. So... after that, I kinda just was like "f*** her" honestly.
I had to stop and get a drink..... Dr. Pepper, of course. (I'm addicted to it, have been forever.)

Manda went with me to her office. She said about halfway through the meeting (which lasted maybe 5 minutes) that she was glad she'd learned how to whisper because she'd called her a bitch. We went out, talked about it.... thought of someone else I could ask. I asked him on Friday, it's all go. And he seemed happy to do it.

I took the GRE on the 30th of Oct. I wasn't too happy with my scores. I felt like I did well on the writing section however. Well, as it turns out, my scores on verbal and quanitative are actually pretty average for the disciplines I'm interested in pursuing. As far as my writing, I was able to get 5 out of 6, which, I'm pretty happy about. It was above the average for all the disciplines.

I've been spending a lot of time going back and forth on retaking the test.
Here are my reasons for wanting to retake it:
I know I could do better, at least some.
If I did do better, I would be more likely to get more funding to go.

Here are my reasons not to retake it:
It'll be another 2-4 hours of my life.
It'll be another couple of weeks of studying profusly.
I did average on V and Q. I did good on writing.
I have a really good GPA & will have at least 2 pretty good rec. letters.

As we can all see, I've clearly got more reasons NOT to take the thing again.

And I think that's going to be my answer, not to retake it.

Anyways. I've been feeling kinda mellow today. Not a good mellow. I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't feel like it. Honestly all I've been doing the last few days is sleeping. Which, makes me feel even worse.
The house seriously needs to be cleaned, but I don't feel like doing it. Plus, with how bad it is, it'd take both of us working on it half a day, at least, to get it back to where it needs to be. Things went well at the beginning of the semester, things were kinda on a schedule, as far as the house/dishes went. I'm so sick of doing dishes, the last 2 weeks, I've done so many of them it makes my hands hurt to think about it.

Ergh, there's just a lot of stuff bothering me at the moment.
I need things to be slightly in order so that I can work better, but yet don't feel like getting things in order. It's a very circular way of feeling.

Anyone else have the problem of wanting to write, starting something, getting interuppted, then completely losing the ability to pick up where you left off from? I started this yesterday, I really was doing well... then it was time to leave campus and I pretty much lost it.... the mood, something.

Time to actually work on what I need to be doing. I've put enough stuff off and this can't really wait anymore.