We didn't plan for this to happen

Gray Hairs

September, 2007

Fear and stress have a destructive effect on everything. Today I found two gray hairs! I’m only 28 years old. Can stress really give a person gray hair? I remember on Poltergeist how the mom had the gray in her bangs after everything she had gone through, but I always thought that was a myth. I plucked them immediately. I hope ten more don’t grow in their place. (Another myth?)

Chris and I are arguing quite a bit, which is unusual for us. We usually get along really well, and on top of everything else that’s happening, my stress level is through the roof. He’s at work all the time, which isn’t unusual either, because he’s a total workaholic. Not only does he work seventy hours a week, but he goes to college part time for his electronic engineering degree. So he has little free time. I know it’s important for him to work-we have to pay our bills-but I think he’s focusing on work and school as a way to escape the stress. His company has been extremely understanding and has offered to give him more time off, but he hasn’t taken them up on it.

The other day we got into a fight because I wanted him to stay at the hospital with me for longer than a few hours, maybe stay the night at the Ronald McDonald house. I really need him right now. My mom is here but she’s not Cadence’s parent, only Chris is a parent and I feel like we’re in this together. I begged him to stay, and I have never begged for anything in my life. But he refused to. After the argument, I watched him pull out of the Ronald McDonald house parking lot and I was literally broken hearted.

I know he’s going through a lot. He saw his wife having seizures and had to call an ambulance. Then when the paramedics came (I don’t remember this) I attacked them. One of the side effects of the seizures and high blood pressure is that I was “combative”. So the paramedics are trying to get me into the ambulance, and I’m attacking them and screaming, and our neighbors are in their front yards watching the show. Finally they get me into the ambulance and they pull away from the curb with no lights on. Chris is in his car about to follow, and he thinks that I died. Then at the hospital, he sees Cadence born, and she’s so tiny…I need to try to be more understanding, but it’s hard because I really, really need him right now.

The stress is coming out of me in my sleep. Mom says that on several occasions I have climbed out of bed, still dead asleep, and paced back and forth, screaming, "No, not again, not again!" over and over. I don't recall this, but she says that she gently leads me back to bed and I'll calm down. I'm worried about Cadence sleeping in our bedroom with us once she comes home. What if I sleepwalk and knock her out of her bassinet? What if I pick her up in my sleep? It's a disturbing thought.