We didn't plan for this to happen

Crushed

October, 2007

Cadence has been moved back to the ICU. Yesterday she stopped breathing during the car seat test. The alarms started going off, and Mom and I were so panicked we couldn’t even get her out of her seat. The nurse ran in and pulled Cadence out, then started to revive her. She told me to call the front desk and ask for more nurses, and she had to tell me the extension three times, even though it was only three numbers, because I was so panicked I couldn’t remember. She told mom to go out into the hall and ask for more nurses, and within just a second a pack of nurses stormed in. They gathered around Cadence and I ran out of the room and into the hall. I was extremely distraught, crying and upset. Several nurses came to calm me, but I was beyond calming. Finally our nurse came out and said that Cadence was fine, they just had to administer oxygen to revive her. She also said that Cadence would be moved back to the ICU for five days, and then we could give her the car seat test again.

I am crushed. I was so hopeful that Cadence would be able to leave soon, but now we have to wait another five days. I just want her home with me! Sometimes I ask myself, “Why me?” But there’s no answer to that, except for the fact that I have a problem carrying babies.