The Real and Ideal

Post-game Something

I don't like who I am right now.

Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated, that's what I am. Frustrated at the things I can't control, and at the things I can control that I let slip away. Before I reacted. Before I could control them.

I don't like who I am when I am frustrated. I am mean. I am self-centered (can'tcha tell?). I cry sometimes. Don't be sad, they say when you cry. Don't feel sorry for yourself. But I am sorry. Sorry and confused and frustrated.

I yelled at my sister today. She was trying to tell me I had a good game, even though she didn't even watch it and obviously didn't know that the score was 0-3. She's eight, she doesn't know any better. I told her to get lost. My mom says she probably won't remember it later, she probably doesn't care. I care.

Skating...is. I remember how I felt a half hour before the final buzzer sounded. I chased some girl around. It was fun watching her stumble with the puck- I saw oppertunity, the chance to do something fun like snatch it from her and go get a shot. Maybe the shot would go in. That feeling- of speed and power, a rush that makes your breath catch and your lips form a smile- was amazing. It always is. After all, there is a reason I devote so much time to this game.

And when they score three goals, two of them when you're out on the ice, it sort of washes some of the fun away. Letting your team/self/town/coaches down, angry that the other team is laughing at you, frustrated because she was faster and stronger, and sad because in the back of your mind, the little annoying voice sits and snaps at you. "You could have done better. Why didn't you do better, eh?!"

An embarrassment.

All I'm saying is, Why did that feeling have to get taken away from me?! I sat in the locker room after, listening to what we did wrong, what to improve on, etc, and all that I could think about was the "hockey high" that wasn't there. I left it on the ice at the end of the second period.

It's pride. It's accomplishment. Tonight I don't feel either.

******

Enough about that. I need to calm down. It matters a lot, and as much as I want to think about it, I am going to will myself not to.

Today A and I went to Target, where she bought like, 10 little things of Play-doh. She gave me one. It's green. They are pocket-sized, so whenever we are bored or whatever, we can just whip out the Play-doh, and boom! instant entertainment. She was playing with her sweet orange Play-doh before the (game) today. It was amusing. 8>) Life is more fun when you are a kid at heart, eh?

The Play-doh discovery came last night, when we went up to watch a couple of our friends play eachother. My sister, the 13-year-old one, had some Play-doh. Anyway.

After the game last night, we all went out to eat, and came to the happy conclusion that we would never want to lead a bar life. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that many people enjoy it very much, but it just wouldn't float my boat at all. Even though smoking has been banned, thankfully, it still has that smell... and the music is kind of loud and dirty. There is also the constant threat of guys with darts and pool sticks. Of course, that didn't stop us from playing pool all night, as well as that hunting game.

Playing pool with us amatuers is pretty funny. You have your really good shots, and then your really crappy miss-the-ball-entirely shots. We mostly just laughed the whole time, which only got us a couple looks from Biker Dude on the pool table next to us. Like, "Isn't it past your bedtimes, children?" Please. Just because bars aren't frequented by younger crowds doesn't mean they aren't open to the public. 8>)

I really need to stop partying for awhile. Tomorrow is the final day of the fantastic, five-day Thanksgiving weekend, and it needs to be a productive one, eh?

So I'm gonna go to sleep now. Let's see what tomorrow will bring, shall we?
Much love~