Lessons

WT II LESSON 10: Personal reflection

Christmas was too long ago. How about my brother's birthday dinner?


My brother turned fifty-one this year, and his wife held a diner party for him. She invited our mom, my brother's grown children, our dad's cousin who lives next door and me. A lot of times they include me in things because I don't get out much.

The meal was good, and the company was pleasant, but it made me a little sad, too. I watched the way my brother and his wife interact, and his son, my nephew, who is only five years younger than me, and his wife as well. They look like they are happy and enjoy each other's company. I love them all very much, but I can't help but feel a little bitter to myself about how loving and nurturing their relationships are, and how unlike them mine is.

This is why I am invited to these family things. Not my husband and I, I alone. Of course they would welcome my husband if he wanted to come with me as they are nice and considerate people, but he doesn't, and wouldn't. I wouldn't really want him to, either, since he would behave like a spoiled child most of the time and would probably end up outside smoking most of the time we were there.

I have learned from this experience that I am jealous of my family's happiness in some ways. This does not make me feel any animosity toward my family. I love them and am so happy for them that they have loving relationships. What it does do is make me feel a bit sorry for myself and wonder why I was so stupid to involve myself with a person who is unwilling to try to be anything but a social pariah, and who dislikes my family on principle. Watching my family and seeing how my life could be if my husband was willing to do things and be a kind and generous-spirited person, makes me wonder if I would be better off if I was with someone else.


IdaLin
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