On My Happy Cloud

The Holiday Spirit.

I love Christmas. I love Christmas so much, I listen to Christmas tunes and hum Christmas songs all day and think about shopping and the smell of apples and cinnamon and Christmas parties. I just love Christmas.

I had to laugh the other day when someone from work came up to me and asked if Budhists celebrate Christmas because she didn't want to give me a card and then offend me. I laughed and told her that I'm sure lots of western Buddhists celebrate it. Besides, I don't neccesarily consider myself Buddhist though I don't tell people that cause it takes more explanation than "Yes, I'm Buddhist" does. Even if I did explain, which I have tried before, I would still be called the Buddhist anyway. I just go along with it. Nothing would stop me from celebrating Christmas. Besides, I think Jesus was amazing and still have love for him. I know, I'm complicated.

I had a dream about Papaw for the first time since he passed away. I'm always afraid of my late grandparents showing up in my dreams because the first one I had of Grandma when she passed aways was disgusting and morbid. Maybe that came with the shock of having someone very close passing away for the first time. But all my dreams after that of Mamaw and Grandma have been decent and warm. A couple nights ago, I had a dream that I was in the city square of some unfamiliar town and it was all decorated for Christmas. There was a memory walk for Papaw but I didn't want to go. I stood on the road and watched the people who did go walk down the street. All my cousins and relatives, everyone but me. I started to feel guilty but I was too scared of how I would feel if I walked with them too. Eventually, I snuck into the back of the line by myself but when I looked to my left, Papaw was with me. He looked like he did when he was younger. 40 or 50 maybe. He took my hand and said "Come on, it's all right." So we walked down the Christmas street together.

I told Ryan one night when we were laying in bed that I was sad because I was so used to having Papaw around and I thought of how he wasn't in his warm house watching the evening news anymore and that he was under ground where it was cold and I didn't want Papaw to be cold. Last night, Ryan brought that up. He said it made him sad that I said that. "...because I don't think Papaw is somewhere cold. I think Papaw is warm...I think he's ok." I started crying when he said that. I can't believe just how much Ryan actually gets it and I'm so sad for him that he never had grandparents that he was close with because it truly is an amazing blessing.

When you lose two grandparents that you feel close with (I was closer with Grandma than I was with Mamaw) you get very attatched to the last one you have. I did with Papaw and I had something grow in my heart after my two grandmothers passed away. That something was my desire to take care of Papaw and be around him as much as I could. And I did and that's something I will never regret. Wow, I can't believe I don't have any more grandparents left.....

Anyway, I've been writing my novel again. I changed the plot completely around and I think that was what I should have done. I've been waiting for it to come to me and it finally did so now all I have to do is write it out. I want to have the first draft completed early next year.

Mom and Ryan have been talking about what each of them got me for Christmas...or something like that. They won't tell me anything! I think it's funny that they talk about it at work (they work at the same company) but geeze! I want to know, I want to know!

I love Christmas!

Much love, happiness, joy and cheer,

Elaine Bradley