Someone to Love Me.

Chapter Six

Chapter Six








Catherine sighed as she put her things together ready to make her way home and was about to walk out of the office when the phone rang.  Hell, it was just what she needed at the end of a hectic week – something to drag it out even more.  She reached across her desk and picked up the handset.
          “Mr Bennett’s office, Catherine speaking.  How may I help you?” 
         “Hello there Catherine,” there was no mistaking the voice. She easily recognised the soft Irish lilt. 
         “Hello Mr O’Donnell, how lovely to hear your voice.  What can I do for you?” she asked. 
         “Well Catherine my dear, I need to speak to Luke if I may.  It’s rather important”
         “I’m sorry but he’s already left the office.  He’s on his way to Dorset for the weekend.  I can give you his mobile number or a contact number where you can reach him if you like” 
         “That would be grand thank you,” he replied. 
         Catherine gave him the phone numbers and the address where Luke could be reached. After exchanging pleasantries, Patrick thanked her again and wished her goodbye. 
         Hanging up the phone Catherine gathered her things together for the second time and left the office before anything else could hold her up, although why she was rushing she didn’t know.  She had nothing to look forward to except another long, lonely weekend.
         She spent most of Friday night pampering herself before she finally made her way to bed with a romantic novel.  Catherine hoped it might lighten her mood but unfortunately it had the opposite effect and she found herself crying in sympathy with the heroine. 
         Well, okay, some of the tears she shed were on her own behalf but she wasn’t about to admit that to herself or anyone else.  She almost wished she’d taken Luke up on his offer of a weekend away and then cursed herself for her display of weakness.
         Catherine spent the rest of the weekend catching up on household chores. She went back to the novel a couple of times but found it hard to concentrate on the story line.  She even called her parents, which just went to prove how desperate she must be getting!  Anyhow, there was no reply – they must be on their travels again.  Nothing new there then! 
         She turned to her music but even that seemed to mock her mood.  Sentimental at heart the song lyrics mirrored her feelings or maybe it was the other way round and as she played ‘The Rose’ a song she truly loved, the hurt inside her bubbled its way up past her throat to the back of her eyes where it turned to hot, stinging tears. 
         They began falling slowly at first before building up in intensity until they were coursing down her cheeks.  She was unable to stop weeping.  Throwing herself into the armchair Catherine curled her legs up underneath her body and wrapping her arms tightly round her middle, cried her heart out until there was nothing left inside her but an aching barren emptiness. 
         How she made it into work on the Monday morning she never knew.  But she did, only to find when she checked her e- mails that there was one from Luke letting her know that he had gone back to
Limerick to sort out a further problem that had manifested itself at O’Donnell’s. 
         At least that meant she was able to relax until he returned to the office.  If she felt worn to a frazzle it was probably due to lack of sleep.  She knew that being close to Luke was winding her up tighter than a coiled spring and there was nothing she could do to lessen the tension. 
         So much for rebuilding her defensive walls, events were overtaking her and overwhelming her and she didn’t have the energy or the will to escape them.  She was constantly tired and weepy with little or no appetite.  If this was how it felt to be in love she didn’t want anything to do with it.  If only!
         Want it or not she was stuck with it.  Love couldn’t be turned off like a tap and no matter what she did, it wouldn’t go away.  She was going to have to learn to live with it.
         Luke was out of the office for most of the week although he did phone a number of times for information to be faxed to him or just to check that things were OK at her end. 
         Every time Catherine heard his voice her heart rate rose and a mental picture of him filled her mind making her light headed.  She hoped that she succeeded in hiding her feelings from him.  If she didn’t then he never commented but kept the conversation on a strictly business level. Finally it was Friday and he was due back!
         It was a gorgeous summer day with just a few fluffy clouds in an otherwise blue sky so Catherine bought a sandwich and went and sat in the local park to eat her lunch.  The sunshine and a Luke free week had lifted her spirits to some extent and she was feeling much brighter now but as she entered her office she could hear his deep
tones emanating from behind his slightly open office door. 
         A wave of longing washed over her making her heart flutter.  It sounded so good to hear his voice that she almost flew through the door and into his arms.  Almost, fool that she was. Thank God she held back. 
         Catherine suddenly realised that he wasn’t alone, someone was with him, definitely female and definitely Irish.  She slumped into her chair as her heart sank to its bottom most level. 
         Claire O’Donnell!  Of all people it had to be her.
         ‘And why not’ the imps in her mind were saying.  ‘She’s young, outgoing and very attractive and he’s a man for God’s sake.’  Well she couldn’t argue with that could she?
         Dejected and disappointed at being an ‘also ran’, Catherine tried to settle down to work but it wasn’t easy. She was finding it hard to concentrate and so she decided to plead illness.  Never having been one for taking time off work she felt entitled to cheat just this once and go home early. 
         Anyway the tension was beginning to make her head hammer and that made her feel a little less guilty about lying. 
         As she put her things together Luke’s office door opened wide and out he came with Claire O’Donnell glued to his arm like a remora attached to a shark.
         ‘Good analogy or what?’ Catherine thought.
         Claire was giggling like a schoolgirl – probably some inane remark he’d made.
         Catherine’s head began to pound in stereo.  Luke looked across at her as if he’d just realised she was there.  His dark brows knitted together as if he wasn’t sure that he liked what he saw. 
         ‘Well tough!’ she thought, ‘What you see is what you get,’ and the plastic smile made a return appearance.
         “Hi Catherine” he returned her smile with one that was just as false, “I’m just bobbin’ out for some lunch.  I won’t be long and then we can catch up on the week’s proceedings.”
         Huh!  That’s what he thought.  Catherine didn’t attempt to analyse her feelings because if she did jealousy would probably be top of the list and she wasn’t ready to admit to that just yet.
         Claire meanwhile, gave her a superior look and clung tighter to Luke’s arm as they left the office.  As she watched them leave Catherine’s headache went from stereo to quadraphonic.  She phoned Jayne on reception and told her she felt ill and was leaving early.  Then she headed for home and yet another lonely weekend.
         The phone was shrilling impatiently as she opened her apartment door.  She didn’t rush to answer it; she didn’t feel up to it.  It would only be Luke she supposed, wanting to know why she’d left early.  Well, let him want she thought as she put her outdoor things away. 
The ringing stopped as her answering machine kicked in and when the caller spoke her name, the voice had a familiar tone. 
         “Catherine, when you get this message ring me please, it’s James Cavendish.”
                No wonder it sounded familiar.  Numbness enveloped her as she wondered what it was he wanted; after all she’d had no contact with him for almost ten years, not since that day in his office when she’d
caught him playing away with his secretary. She never had called him back and whether he’d bothered to wait for her or not was irrelevant. 
         She picked up the handset just as he was leaving her his number. 
         “Hello James, its Catherine.  Why are you calling me?”  A feeling of dread stole over her as she waited for him to reply. 
         “Thank God I’ve caught you Cathy,” he was the only person who had ever called her Cathy.  “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”
         Her knees gave way and she sank to the phone seat waiting to hear what he was going to tell her, but in her heart of hearts she already knew that it was going to be bad news.  There could be no other reason for him to telephone her.
         “Your parents have been involved in an accident on the motorway.  They were on their way back from Scotland when a drunken driver ran them off the road.  I’m sorry Cathy but they were both killed outright.”
         Catherine’s world splintered around her. They might not have been the best of parents but they were all she had and in her heart of hearts she knew she ought to have loved them more than she did. Now, once again they had gone away and left her.  Only this time they would not be returning, this time she really was alone.
Realising that James was calling her name down the phone she answered him.
         “Do you need me to come to you Cathy?” he asked. 
         “No I’ll be alright” she told him as her mind spun in a hundred different directions, “but I’m not sure what I need to do.  Where do I begin?”
         “Don’t worry about it, if you want me to, I’ll take care of everything for you,” he said.  “Charles was like a father to me, it’s the least I can do.” 
Catherine accepted his offer and thanked him knowing that she would be grateful for any help over the coming days.
                They talked about her preferences and discussed the arrangements in general.  James would go north to identify the bodies and promised to get in touch with her as soon as he had any
more information. They could go into more detail then, he told her.  Offering his condolences once again, he broke the connection. 
         Catherine was all cried out; her mind was not able to come to terms with events as she picked herself up from the chair.  Not sure what to do with herself she took a couple of painkillers and unplugged the phone. Not that she expected anyone else to call but she wasn’t taking any chances.  She went to bed where she lay awake in the darkness, alone with her troubled thoughts until sleep finally claimed her.
         She awoke the following morning with a harsh drumming in her head and it took her a few moments to realise that it wasn’t a headache.  Someone pounding loudly on her door.  She did not need this, her bad night had played havoc with her and she wasn’t ready to face up to anyone yet.  Putting on her wrap Catherine went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on as the drumming continued unabated.  In the end she had no choice but to answer it before her door caved in. 
         “And not before bloody time too.”  It was Luke, a very angry Luke!  “Why isn’t your phone switched on?”  He was more furious than she’d ever seen him.  Everything about him was oversized and overtly masculine as he stood there in her doorway glaring at her.  She turned around and headed back toward the kitchen.  He followed her as she walked away from him and grabbing her arm he yanked her back to face him. 
         The tears spilled from her eyes and ran down her pale cheeks as she looked up at him. Her whole body shook as the grief she had been holding inside herself broke free. 
         Scooping her up into his strong arms Luke carried her to the nearest chair where he sat and held her close until the weeping paroxysm ended.  Wiping away her tears with the pads of his thumb he rocked her in his arms.  “Want to tell me what this is all about darlin’,” he asked. 
         It took her a while in between the sobs, to tell him about James’ phone call but by the time she’d finished she was starting to feel a little bit better.  The tears had helped to wash some of her sorrow away. 
                Much as she regretted the fact that she hadn’t been on the best of terms with her parents, it was not all her fault.  In truth, very little of the responsibility was hers.  She realised that now and also the fact that it was too late to alter the situation.  She would have to bury her regrets and move on.  She could do it; it was something that she was used to doing wasn’t it?
         Luke offered to help with the funeral arrangements but thanking him she told him of James’ offer of help.  He didn’t seem happy about the situation but it was Catherine’s choice and it was her decision to make. 
         He offered to stay with her until she felt better but she didn’t want his comfort either.  She knew she wanted more from him than that.  The fact was that she wanted so much more than he was prepared to give.  It was all or nothing and it seemed that nothing was all that was left for her.
         Luke didn’t argue with Catherine but left soon afterwards telling her to take all the time she needed and not to return to work until she was ready.  A couple of days went by before James contacted her with the details of the funeral and told her what she was required to do.  She was grateful for his assistance because it had helped her to be able to share the burden of responsibility with someone who was close to her parents.
         The funeral took place the following week and was well attended by her parent’s friends and colleagues.  Catherine was the only family they had and as she stood beside the grave she slowly came to realise that now, she was really and truly on her own.
         Although they spoke again on the phone to finalise the details of the funeral, when James collected her in the limousine it was their first meeting since their break up, almost ten years ago. 
         Now as she made her way back to the car she wondered where had the time gone.  The years had not been kind to him she noticed, as she climbed into the limousine.  He was not taking care of himself, probably too many business lunches and too much alcohol by the look of him.
                Catherine realised that she had had a lucky escape and was thankful she’d had her eyes opened in plenty of time to see the kind of man he was. 
         James had made arrangements to take her to her father’s office after the service where they would listen to the contents of her parent’s wills.  She wasn’t looking forward to that but it had to be done she supposed so the sooner she got it over with the better. 
         She wasn’t expecting to receive much and in that respect, she wasn’t disappointed?  Surprised?  Well yes, a little! In her heart she’d known that her parents would probably bypass her, it was how they were and how they’d always treated her.  She might have felt a little less hurt if they had left their estate to the local cat’s home.           Instead, in death as in life they had managed to crush her spirit one more time because, apart from her mother’s jewellery along with a small bequest of money, James had been left the bulk of the estate.  Well he had always wanted the money and now it was his and lucky him, he hadn’t even had to marry her to get it. 
         To say that James was pleased was an understatement; to say he was delighted was nearer the mark. She wasn’t waiting around for him to gloat so she got to her feet and calmly walked out of the office.
         The calmness was all on the outside, just for show.  Inside she was slowly dying as her parent’s final action sent her self esteem a final crushing blow.  It wasn’t the money; her grandmother had seen that she was taken care of.  It was her parent’s final rejection of her that hurt with a pain so deep she didn’t think that the wound would ever close. 
         James followed after her and called to her and Catherine, putting an impassive look on her face turned to see what he wanted.  “Cathy don’t leave, can’t you see why your parents have done things this way?
         She cast him a puzzled look.  What the hell was he talking about?           “Haven’t you realised?  It’s their way of telling us that we should marry then we’ll both benefit from my inheritance. It was something that they always wanted for us.”
         Marry?  Marry him! The man was either drunk or insane!
              “I don’t need the money,” she threw at him, “and anyway, there isn’t enough money in the world that could make me want to marry you
James.”
         Angrily, he pushed his face into hers, invading her space. “We’ll see how long it takes you to change your mind, but don’t make it too long; it’s been ten years already, I won’t wait for you forever.”  Catherine wrinkled her nose as she smelled alcohol.  He’d definitely been drinking.
         “Don’t hold your breath,” she responded and turned and strode away from him.  She didn’t see the vicious look on his face or his clenched fists.  If she had she would have been adding another item to her ‘worry’ list.
         The funeral had taken place on the Thursday and she was due to return to work the following Monday but now on the Friday night she was feeling really under the weather and wondered if she was coming down with ‘summer flu’ or something.  A mixture of tiredness and strong analgesics helped her to sleep soundly through until morning when, with no sign of yesterday’s headache, she awoke to a bright, sunny day. 
         Feeling a good deal better she put on her robe and headed for a shower before making breakfast. 
         Jiggling round the kitchen in time to the music playing on her radio, she buttered some toast.  She hadn’t decided how she was going to spend her day yet but was sure she could come up with something to do. 
         She never ate a big breakfast and today was no different; just the toast with marmalade and a mug of coffee.
         As she sat at the table munching away Catherine’s stomach started to feel awfully queasy and then suddenly it rebelled.  She beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom where she spent the next five minutes leaning over the toilet bowl being sick!
         Evidently not ‘flu’ but a stomach bug she thought as she rinsed her mouth out and decided against the rest of her meal. 
         Pausing to look in the bathroom mirror on her way out, she noticed that she was looking a little bit pale.  Being sick in the morning was definitely not a good way to start the day.
              “Oh no!”  Her breath slammed in her chest as she jerked to a standstill.  What was that thought again?  Sick?  Sick in the morning?
                Oh my God, morning sickness! 
         No, it can’t be! 
         Why can’t it, her mind argued? 
         You didn’t use protection did you? 
         That’s OK it was the wrong time of the month! 
         That’s not OK it was exactly the right time of the month. 
         You can’t get pregnant the first time.
         Don’t be stupid, of course you can and anyway it was three times.
         Her thoughts bounced back and forth until she was dizzy.  Chemist!  She needed a chemist and a pregnancy testing kit and she needed both right now! 
         At five minutes to nine she was outside the nearest chemist shop waiting for the shutters to go up.  At nine forty-five she was in her bathroom looking at the results of the tests.  She’d done two just to be sure and now there was no doubt, she was definitely pregnant – twice.  And here she was, thinking that she was starting with the ‘flu.             Stupid, stupid, stupid.
         Well she was certainly paying a high price for her one night of pleasure.  What on earth was she going to do? 
         What about abortion?  No, she didn’t believe in it so it was not an option!  Well then adoption?  This was not an option either. 
         She had to think.  ‘OK it wasn’t the end of the world was it?  Yes. No it wasn’t. You can afford to take as much time as you want from work?  Yes.  You definitely don’t have to answer to anyone?  Sadly the answer’s no. You always wanted children one day?  Yes but later rather than sooner.  Your biological clock is ticking?  Yes, at the double.  You don’t need a man in your life?  True, well - it was almost true.’
         Catherine felt as though she was filling in one of those stupid questionnaires you found in women’s magazines.  Please tick whichever box applies to you.  If you score between fifteen and twenty you’re definitely pregnant and on your own.  Cope with it!           
                She didn’t consider that telling Luke was an option but one thing was certain; she would have to leave Bennett’s and preferably sooner rather than later.
         It was difficult enough loving Luke.  To watch him with Claire or any other woman for that matter would be devastating knowing as she did now, that she was carrying his child. 
         She was becoming more and more confused by the way he blew hot and cold. She hadn’t seen anything of him since the Friday she found out about her parents, when he’d held her tenderly while he comforted her.  And then nothing, nix, zero!
         Was he still seeing Claire?  He must be and there was no way that Catherine wanted to stay around and watch them together any longer than she had to.
         Hopefully she could get away with working only two weeks notice but if Luke turned awkward then he might insist on the full month.  Fortunately though, her pregnancy wouldn’t become noticeable for a while yet and she would be well away from Bennett’s before it was.
         She racked her brain looking for a good enough reason to give Luke to explain why she was leaving but nothing jumped out at her.  In the end Catherine decided to tell him that she was finding it difficult to adjust to a new boss after working so long for Clive and she felt that what she needed was a complete change.  If he threatened to sack her this time well so much the better because then she wouldn’t have to work any notice at all would she?
         She reconsidered her decision not to tell Luke about the pregnancy but realised that she wasn’t going to tell him the truth. Why should she?  He’d made it quite obvious that there was no way he was going to be there for the long term and the short term didn’t take into account a wife or a child did it?
         What had he said to her?  ‘You’ve got to go for what you want in life.’  Well she’d certainly done that and look where she’d ended up!  She’d been the biggest of fools but things were going to work out, she’d make damned sure of that, for herself and for the child she was carrying. 
         She might not have Luke but she was always going to have a small part of him to love and cherish and that would have to be enough to satisfy her. 
         What the hell, he was just another man and she knew full well what they were like didn’t she?  There was no use whinging; she’d brought this on herself.  She should have stayed well away from him in the first place. She’d no one to blame but herself for the way things had turned out.
         Catherine spent ages agonising over her letter of resignation until she was as satisfied as she could be with the end result.  She put it into her bag ready for Monday and then put it out of her mind.  She had other things to think about. 
         She wasn’t feeling very hungry when lunch time came round but she realised that she had to eat regularly and sensibly if she was to give her unborn child the best start in life and that was one thing that she was determined to do.  She was going to make sure that her child received all the love she had to offer and that he or she would not be treated as an after-thought, the way that her parents had treated her. 
         She wondered how they would have reacted to the news of her pregnancy assuming she would have told them about it.  In retrospect, she realised that she probably never would have told them.    No.  She realised that this was just another thing she was going to have to get through on her own.
         She was tidying up after lunch when the phone rang for the first time. She let the answer-phone pick up the call and listened to Luke’s husky voice asking how she was and to give him a call when she picked up his message.
         As if!  She had other things on her mind and for once they didn’t include talking to Mr bloody America!  It was early evening when the phone rang for the second time, just as she was settling down for a night in front of the TV.  Once again she left it for the answer-phone to pick up and would you believe it – it was Luke again only this time he sounded slightly, no make that very, annoyed. 
         “Catherine” he growled, “I’m darned sure you’re there so pick up the damned phone now or I’ll be round at your door faster than it takes to rope and tie a calf.”
         She wasn’t quite sure how long that would be but she wasn’t taking any chances so she grabbed for the phone and put it gingerly to her ear.  “Luke?” she asked haltingly as her heart rate increased.
         “No, its Father Christmas,” he grated sardonically through his teeth, “who the hell do you think it is.  I called you earlier.” 
         “Yes.” she didn’t know what else to say.  She’d only heard him really lose his temper once before and her stomach churned.
         “Then why the hell didn’t you return my call?  I was worried about you.”  Oh sure!
         “Sorry,” she lied, crossing her fingers, “I’ve been out.  I never checked the machine when I got home.”
         His smooth voice calmed down.  “O K darlin’, sorry I shouted but I just needed to know how you’re feelin’.
         'As if you care!  It’s taken long enough for you to ring and ask.'
         “I’m fine thanks, it’s been hard but I’m feeling much better now; I’ll be ready for work on Monday.”
         “That’s not why I asked darlin’.  How about I come over and cheer you up?”  He must be joking!
         “No thanks Luke, I’m going to take it easy for the rest of the weekend I’m not very good company at the moment.”
         He didn’t argue thank goodness even if he did sound a bit put out.  “Suit yourself then, I’ll see you Monday” and with that he hung up the phone. 
         Dear God, Catherine was shaking like a leaf.  How on earth was she going to get through Monday and whatever fallout resulted if she couldn’t handle speaking to him on the phone?  What wouldn’t she give to wind the clock back to before that ill-fated night?  Her thinking halted abruptly at that juncture. 
         If she could go back in time, would she change the way things were?  The answer came to her in a flash.    It was a big no!
         Catherine realised that she wouldn’t change a thing because now that she knew that she was pregnant she wanted this child she was carrying more than anything else in the world.  So what if she had to take some flak when she confronted Luke with her resignation?  It would only be for a month at the most. She could cope with that couldn’t she?  Of course she could!

         On Monday morning she was almost late for work due to an unscheduled bout of sickness which had her heading for the toilet again.  She assumed that it was still morning sickness but couldn’t overlook the fact that it just might be fear that was causing her stomach to rebel.  The sooner she faced up to Luke the better; that was what she was telling herself but she didn’t really believe it.
         His office was empty when she arrived at work.  Catherine took the letter from her handbag and placed it in the centre of his desk.  She was finding it difficult to breathe as she sat at her computer and began to work.  The last thing she needed now was a full-blown panic attack.  Taking deep breaths she tried unsuccessfully, to calm her nerves.  When Luke walked in she began to slowly unravel again as his look encompassed her.
         “Hell’s bell’s darlin’ you look terrible, are you sure you’re fit to work?
         Well thanks a bunch!  If he thought she looked terrible now, just wait until he’d read her letter of resignation.
         “I’m fine,” she replied with a bravado that she wasn’t really feeling.
         “OK but you don’t have to stay if you’re not fit we can manage a while without you.”
                'Good – you’re going to have to soon!'
         Luke walked through to his office as Catherine’s nerves stretched nearer to breaking point.  Wait for it, she thought. 
         She didn’t know just what to expect when he came back out with her letter in his hand but for a fleeting moment she thought she saw a hint of sadness or was it regret in his eyes.  He blinked and the moment was gone.  No doubt she’d imagined it anyway. 
         What she’d really expected from him was anger or was this ‘the lull before the storm’? 
         It was!  His face resembled a block of granite as he rested his hands on her desk and leaned towards her. 
         “I don’t believe all this rubbish darlin’, are you goin’ to tell me the real reason for this?”  He flapped the letter in her face.
         “I’ve explained in the letter.”  Her whole body shook as she tried to calm the tremor in her voice.
         “Don’t dish the bull darlin’ just tell me, does this have anything to do with what happened in Ireland?”
         Catherine shook her head as her voice deserted her.  She didn’t know what made her notice the fact that the angrier he became the more his accent reverted to that slow sexy Texan drawl.
         “I don’t believe you but it sure as hell looks like there’s not much left to say doesn’t it?  Find someone from the typing pool to take over from you and you can go but I’m telling you now; don’t bother looking for work around here because I’ll make damned sure you never find any.”  He was consumed with anger as he continued to loom over her.
         Shakily, she looked up, drinking in the sight of him.  So broad, so strong, so handsome, the kind of man any woman would gladly take as the father of her child.  She’d had so little time with him and now it was gone like a puff of wind. 
         Suddenly, before she had chance to realise his intentions, Luke stalked round the desk and hauled her up into his arms. Pulling her close against him with one arm, his free hand raked over her body familiarly, searing Catherine where it touched and intoxicating her senses.  Abruptly, he let her go and strode towards his office.  When he reached the door he turned towards her.  “That was just a taster darlin’ if you want more you know where to find me.”
         With a dazed look on her face, Catherine watched him walk away.