Down the Rabbit Hole

Making Peace Not War...

He tells me I think the worst of people. Its a big deal in our house, how I'm so quick to jump to the worst possible conclusion about someone or something. I can't help it. The inability for some people to do the right thing, has been demonstrated to me over and over again. Its never been easy to trust when throughout your life, the people you've trusted the most have repeatedly let you down time and time again. Today I think he had his own taste of that particular disappointment. My temper is set to ignite most times and the blatent dishonesty by one of his closest friends was an effective enough spark for me. More than being angry though, I felt for him. I felt that bitter, familiar pang in my gut and I wished more than anything, that he didn't need to feel that pain. There is a part of him that is still pure, still faith-driven, still convinced that most people are inherently good. I don't want to see him become as I am, jaded and guarded. That fact that this betrayal by his friend didn't surprise me but seemed to shock him, is further evidence that his blessed immaturity is still very much intact. I realized today, its a part of him I'd like to see preserved for a bit longer if possible.
Its not a warm existance always expecting to be let down, taken advantage of. Its not a life supported by faith and hope. I'm noticing more and more these days that life is more about survival. Its about realizing who you can count on, and making your time and energy with those few individuals count the most.

The wedding is a scant four months away. At this point, my sister and brother (both in the wedding party) have taken next to no interest in my nuptials at all. My sister hasn't even bothered to try on dresses, let alone order hers. My bridal dress is hanging on the back of my office door and more than anything, I look at it and think...are they even going to show up for me? My mother is less than motherly about everything. I've long ago learned not to expect such things from her but still, it wounds me to see her lack of enthusium compared to the level she expressed over my brother's recent nuptials. Now his friend, his groomsman behaves this way and its like another wave of cold water. In the end, maybe I should just make it about he and I, make the day what we can without relying on anyone. All in all, my anger has given way to a deepening depression. It frightens me that I might not be able to shake it off before the wedding is here.