The Real and Ideal

It's practically a soap opera over here

Why
do we want
what we want?

A tryout makes or breaks your self-esteem.
Modesty doesn't seem to make other people feel better.
If what you did is "no big deal" then what do you call what they did?
When the top spotters want out, it's like it degrades the others.
They want what you have, and you don't seem to want it, eh?
Bitches.
The coach plays favorites. I'm not one of them.
Hockey politics screw with friendships.
For the love of all things good, ignore politics when it comes to your relationships. 
I was wide open. Pass the damn puck.
Don't expect someone to give you their all unless you are willing to return the favor...

Today I tried to spit through my helmet cage, and it didn't really make it through. I got  goo all over myself. It was pretty embarassing. Gloves, jersy, mouthgaurd, everything. I was kind of surprised that my linemates didn't start pointing and laughing.

So yesterday I hung out with some school people. It was pretty fun, to be a girly girl for once. I don't think I'd like to live like that all the time, but one every couple of weeks is good 8>) One of the girls taught me how to flirt (?) and how to deal with bitches. Both pretty useful skills. I really don't like being mean like that, but sometimes it may prove useful. Or something. I dunno. Anyway, that was really fun. And I want to hang out with them again sometime, in addition to my other school friends, so I need to work on my time management skills. I dunno. Well rounded is good, I think.

There are different worlds out there.
There is one with me and you.
And one with me and them. Another with me and a guy.
Sometimes I skate. And other times I read. Or write a story.

I was having a deep conversation with one of my buddies today. It was kind of about hockey. But I thought about life in general. Because I'm pretty sure they're related. Like how you shouldn't talk back to your coach, because if he was a boss he'd fire you. You can't blame him for your problems. Or can you?

I really should start paying better attention to these things. I'm don't really like hearing second or third-hand stories because they always seem to change. But I wonder about my ignorance, occasionally. If I knew something else, would I agree with this person? Maybe not. Probably not.

Everything I talk about get's kind of repetitive after awhile. So I'm sorry about that.

We all want something else. That's what the Good Charlotte song says, anyway. But it's pretty true. Because I don't think I've ever met anyone who was perfectly content with their situation, who didn't want...something else. Whether it be better, worse, or just different. New. Exciting.

I think about this quite often. Probably because I want to quit wanting. (Want to quit wanting? Hm) I came to a semi-conclusion that we should be careful about what we want. Like the "Careful what you wish for" thing...because it just might come true. A lot of stuff that I thought I wanted didn't go as well as I thought it would. Or I didn't even like it. It's all part of that risk taking thing, probably. I dunno. Try it, then move on.

What I wanted,
What I thought...

And yet, I don't think it's that easy. What you want...it forms you. It leaves it's mark. It's what you work for, it's what you dream about. It's not like you can just drop it like a match that burned all the way up to your finger. Depending on what it is, I'm sure it will stick around for awhile. Maybe it will keep burning. Make you guilty for wasting your time. For thinking that it would be better. Guess what? You were wrong for wanting me.

Here we are, back to my confusion masked with a pessimistic view on life. I don't think I'm a pessimist. As a...newly-formed risk taker, I think that throwing it up in the air and hoping for the best is a pretty good strategy. I just want some things to be better, and I get frustrated when that doesn't work out. A lot of it is my fault too. So whatever.

And I was sitting there, having a pretty deep conversation, and I just wanted to open my mouth and talk talk talk. Because I have all these things that I want to say. To ask if it sounds right, so I'm not living in my made-up world of ideas that don't make sense. I wanted to share, to see if I could help someone. I wanted to grab a pen and scribble everything down so I wouldn't get to this here blog five hours later and try to recall my thoughts (so you will understand me, Al. Even though you probably already do). Because I'm sure they made a lot more sense then.

I was at the hockey rink today, and I was thinking about my friends and a guy, and I got these butterflies in my stomach. I don't really know why. I was all of a sudden really antsy and nervous. Then I got kind of short of breath and sickish. I didn't think anything of it, until I got in the car a half hour later, and I just couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I could feel it in my legs and stomach and it was really wierd. That was when I decided that I needed to calm down because nothing was really that bad. It's only the same old hockey drama that has always been there. The same friends that I'm always discussing it with. Inhale, exhale.

So that was wierd. And then I was thinking that if I passed out and had to go to the hospital, not only would I have to miss the game tomorrow night, but everyone would make fun of me because a guy texted me and ten minutes later I had an anxiety attack thing. Like I would ever live that one down.

I read somewhere that if someone gives you a compliment, you should just say "Thanks." If someone admires something you did, I don't think it would be much use to say, "I'm not really that good..." because obviously they think you are. I dunno where that came from. Anyway. I do that all the time. I'm kind of selfish like that. What I don't WANT is to hurt people. Especially the ones I care about.

But hockey does that sometimes. I remember once this summer hockey politics (or something similar) tried to screw with me. It succeeded. For a time. But that specific problem is resolved now, so that's good. The problem in general is far from being solved. Because sometimes I can't help myself from feeling jealous or frustrated. It's stupid. Sometimes you just gotta realize that the monster is looking for you, and you have to grab your friends by the hand and drag them away before it comes to getcha. Or something like that. (I'm pretty tired, obivously, so my metaphors are kind of going downhill. Maybe I should just wrap this up.)

I wrote this poem umm... a couple weeks/months ago. I don't remember. It kind of matches what this entry talks about. I told you I was repetitive. 8>) The title is definitely the best part, eh? Lol.

Thwarted Expectation  (E) I don't usually do rhymes...so bear with me. #1346470 by S. Koivu

It was supposed to be for a rhyming contest, so that's why it has all those lame rhymes. I just took excerpts from my diary and made them into rhyming lines. It was surprisingly easy. Anyway.

Bye. ;>)