Writing Journal/ Blog ~NurseWriter~

Confusion and pain, thoughts for the day- Word Count 1699

If you know me you know this is very old.  But it is good to look back and see where I was in life when I wrote this and how much stronger, put together and happy I am now.  I am leaving this private part of my life on here for anyone that is in the state of confusion or hopelessness I was in when I wrote it.  It is a good example of life being able to change...for the better and once that weight is gone you don't have to go back to live that pain again.  If it applies know there is hope out there for you too, believe in yourself and do the right thing for you.

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Not too sure how to rate this, but there is some cursing in this.  If offended with foul language please do not read.  Normally I try not to use this type of language, but for this- it is appropriate.

1/13/08 Thought for today-  No need to give a writing critique, as I have not checked the sentence structure, spelling or punctuation.  I just need to get this out on paper so maybe when I read it, again, I will have the courage for once to  REALLY do something about it vs. just reading it again .

Did you ever notice when you try to stay up, something or someone tries to pull you down?  This seems to be the circle of fate that revolves around my life.  I am so stressed right now, my right eyebrow is twitching.  Do I have anyone that I can talk to about it?  No, I do not have anyone to talk with about it.  I have talked about this so many times, I can't bring myself  to put the ones I love through this shit again.  I don't want to waste a counselors time in leading me to the right direction... again.  "When are you going to do something about this?"  "You deserve better."  " I hate to see you hurting like this." My Aunts most heartfelt advise, "When you learn to love yourself, you will stop letting this happen to you."  The list goes on.  I dread hearing those words, so I have been stuffing in all the hurt and pain for months, if to be honest years.

I am not saying all that is wrong in my life lies in this marriage, but I do know that the weight that drags me down is this relationship.

I feel I am bound to a man that is so far from what I want in a man, that I can not believe I am here.  This relationship or the feeling that I am absoulutely not allowed to leave this relationship, is like being tied to a cement block that pulls you down, lets you bob up for just enough air then pulls you back down again.  I feel as though I am getting weary and not to sure how much longer my head can come back out of the water.  The best I can do is just accept it, and expect nothing.  That works for awhile, but eventualy you don't have the power to pull off the facade. I almost hate to sit here and write about this, as I have to leave my cave of ignorance and face what I am feeling.  It is pure pain.

I had a childhood of pain, living under a father we all feared.  He was a mentally ill man that used God and the Bible to keep you in fear.  I was fat.  In his eyes and the words that came out of his mouth, disgusting.  Have you ever been forced to get on a scale in front of your family so you could be made fun of?  The funny thing is I look back to pictures of myself, and I wasn't this blimp he made me feel I was.  I was a prepubecent teen, chubby, but not disgusting.  This lovely treatment and life in general under this horrible man, led me to an eating disorder, of which I battle to this day.  I can remember times I would engourge my face with food, and while doing it thinking, "How ya gonna like me now, you bastard!"  Of course the only one we really hurt is ourself. Beyond the wonderfully mentally ill father I had, I also endured some other experiences a child should never go through.  No doubt the cause of some trust issues I have with men.

Well enough of the poor little me memories.  I am a grown women, with events in life that will always bother me.  I try not to dwell on that era, as I have been through it and resolved it the best I can with counseling and Gods help.  Somethings you can never erase, but have to go on painting a better picture dispite the darkness.  I've learned that dark times make you tougher and stronger and they give you something others don't have.  They give you the ability to forgive when as a child you should never be placed in that position, but with God you can rise above it.

The thing that haunts me is how I ended up in a relationship with a man that is very much made up of all the things I hate in a man?  He has been a nasty, mentally unstable beast to our children and myself for years.  He has no faith in God and has no quams in mocking me about my faith. He finds smoking marajuana to be acceptable, our child finding his pot pipe didn't phase him in the least. You think he could of at least moved to smoking that crap outside!  Speaking of smoking, he is a 3 pack a day smoker who refuses to go outside, so we live in an ash tray.  If I say anything or refuse to sit by him while he chain smokes his night away, I am a bitch.

He argues with me about any topic we may attempt to discuss.  In fact he argues his point with everyone.  His argument is often non-sensical, or offered to offend with a goal of putting the other person down. This past Christmas, I actually got up at his parents house and told him off empahsising how disgusting and inappropriate he was, in front of his family.  You would have had to be there to appreciate it, but when you are arguing with your new sister-in-law, who had a gay uncle that died of aides, there is no room in the conversation for mimicing a gay man giving a blow job to the bottle of wine on the table!  For Chirst Sake!!!  I felt like hitting him in the head with the bottle.  The crazy thing is his mother comes running to his aide, "Oh, whats going on, I'm sure he didn't mean that."  His sister sits there with her eyes wide open, like buckwheat on the little rascals, saying nothing.  I get up and tell his Mom, "What do you think just happened, I can't sit around here listening to the foolish disgusting things that come out of his mouth anymore! I'm sorry, but I really have to get out of here."

Oh yes, I was brave for the moment then I remember I have to go home with this fucking idiot.  This means I will be wrong. This means I will have to sit there for a minimum of one hour, if not 3,  to hear the usual. 
1. Is there something wrong with you? 
2. You have a lot of nerve going off like a nut like that in front of my family.  How dare you embarass me like that?

Then comes the mocking as I sit there in silence

3 Oh what, are you going to turn into a rock now, have nothing to say, just going to sit there like a lump on a log?  Poor Lorrie, she has it soo bad.

Then he turns into the counselor, when the mocking doesn't work.

4. The best one- Are you ever going to learn how to have a relationship? 
5. Is your purpose in life to torture me? 

Ultimatum man- Like me the way I am or I am out of here.  The problem is he never leaves.

6. I really don't know what I stay around here for. You have never done a thing for me.  One of these days you are going to be sorry, I just may never come home.

I remain the numb me.  I think I learned this when I was little. It is as if words go through me.  It is some form of a state of confusion. It is as if I am observing the conversation vs. actually being in it.  Sometimes I sit there with a song going through my head. Sometimes I picture life in the country, awy from this man.  Sometimes I picture myself answering him back.  Most times I just sit there looking at him until the ranting is done. 

My reply, "I don't have anything to say." 

Oh, don't get me wrong there have been times I have replied, but that is when I loose it and I turn into something from a movie, a possed nut screaming at such a high pitch sound you can't understand me.  This is always a mistake, as the beast loves it.  He points at me laughing, jeering, now look at you!  This is normal?  I'm the mentally ill one here, look at yourself!

I have officially filed for divorce 2 times, Have left my home for 3 months and have had him kicked out for about 2 months. 

Judging from my record you wouldn't guess I am a professional.  I am the financial backbone for our family. He pays nothing.  I could easily walk away and get an apartment, but that would mean loosing the house.  He can't aford it, refuses to leave and I can't aford to pay both, so I stay and have turned into a more or less hermit in the upstairs of our house.

Multiple times I have been to the point were I don't care about the finances, take it all.  Then I wake up and say why?  Why should he have taken years of your happiness and then tons of what you worked so hard for?  I owned this home before I ever met him. So I return to the confused me, I don't know what to do. 

He won't agree to a divorce, why should he?  He lives here for free, doesn't work, doesn't lift a finger with anything in this house.  I call him the Cellar Dweller.  Not to his face, but everytime he grumbles some stupid ass thing at me, that is what I think of, "The cellar dweller beckons, I must run and meet his needs."

Maybe my Aunt is right.  When I learn to love myself, I will put an end to this.  I agree with her to an extent, but there is more to this then not loving myself enough.  As a Christian I have tried to forgive him.  I guess somewhere beyond the hurt and pain I feel with him I have hope for him. I have tried to love him dispite his faults. Hell, I have faults of my own.  I have tried to encourage him to seek help, try medication,  try God, try something.

I truly can not comprehend what I am doing with my life and I want to undertand it, so I can do the right thing.  I want to wake up knowing what direction to take, for myself and my son.

My last thought:
I believe we have some control in our happines.  Our actions add to or take away from our happiness.  I read a saying the other day from Abraham Lincoln, "I am about as happy as I make up my mind to be." 

Maybe I haven't made up my mind to be as happy as I could be?

Or maybe I am afraid to fail again?

No matter the answer, I can only move on and live the best life I can with a hope that soon there will be relief from this weight around my neck.