The Real and Ideal

I should have said

I'm trying to quit dwelling
on the things I should have said
except they sit right in my stomach
and are pretty hard to ignore.
The words burn and they stir
and I feel all wobbly
inside and out.
Trying to hold them in
makes me shake
makes me blind.
I see nothing else
besides the words
and my anger
and my frustration
and my fear
all piled together
into one big punch
in my gut.
I want to scream.
I want to lash out.
Just please
anything
To let these crazy
emotions loose.
They are zipping around
like moths on a street light,
or echos in a tunnel.
Spinning and slushing
like the wash machine cycle.
Making me dizzy,
dizzy inside.

I should have stood up for you.
Should have helped out.
It's not fair to leave you
defenseless like that
shoved down by more
words.
(That have more effect
than many people think).
I saw the way they
tore into your face
Like sharp scratches
And it was all I could do
not to bring the situation
out into the open
for everyone to see.
I dunno if you'd want that.
So I patted your head
as if to say
"Yeah, I did see that.
and it's alright."

It reminded me of
bystanders.
Sitting along the sidelines
watching
Like your pain
entertains them.
And your happiness
will somehow cheer them up.
Or maybe they are just too afraid
to speak up
and interfere.
Like me.

Me, afraid.
Me, a wimp.
I can admit it
only to myself.
Who knows
what others would think
if they found out?

I'm taking the road more often traveled by
and I'm kind of sick of that route
if you know what I mean.
Worrying, wondering, wishing,
instead of
Living, loving, and
just plain going for it.

I'm starting to annoy myself
or maybe it's just the situation
I dunno. And I'm
too tired to figure it out right now.
More later~
Bye