Writing Journal/ Blog ~NurseWriter~

New Cheese, New attitude- Word Count -1028

Make up work- worked 60 hours in the past 5 days (to get this orientation week off) so I am sorry I couldn't write.
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Well for all of you that have been following along, today was my first day of orientation.  It was the easiest money I every made for doing absolutely nothing, but embrace boredom. 

I will say that the part on cultural diversity and customer service was actually pretty pleasant.  We watched two inspirational videos that gave some suggestions that promote patient satisfaction I know I will use.  The video for cultural diversity was great.  It was nothing but beautiful music and everything from a word to a short sentence or a quote that promoted acceptance in diversity.  Almost made a tear come out of my eye, it was done so well.  I really liked some of the sayings so much, that I wrote them down. 

I feel I have a good attitude in life, but it has been shadowed buy a very heavy weight around my neck.  Orientation is the furthering of a process to lift myself up to hirer ground.  Not a hirer position, but a higher set of goals I have for my life.

I finally decided I didn't like being dragged around with a weight on my neck, so I took it off, so to speak.  Actually it is coming off in chunks, so I still have some to go.

I took off the job, I let go in November that was an utter burden working for a horrible man.  I was attempting to help him open a surgery center, and to make a long story short all he wanted was the set up of the facility and my credentials, he didn't want an administrator.  He wanted to run the place as he saw fit, while I would stand before the State and explain the asinine decisions he made.

When it finally came to compromising patient care, safety and my integrity as a nurse, I said farewell.  I send out my prayers to anyone that attempts to work with this man, as he is beyond help in the ethical department of life. 

The other major weight has been my relationship.  I have suffered in this for a very long time.  I know from my writing you can tell I have faith and belief in God.  With that you might also guess that God is not big on divorce.  Well I finally realized, He isn't big on his children being treated badly either and often opens doors for us that we didn't see.

I finally found the door that says, "It is ok to want to be happy.  You tried your best and you deserve better."  No more holding on to the door of, "Well maybe things could change if we both tried harder."  Or the door of "A divorce, Oh how I hate to face this."  You know, all the doubting doors, that often if we just opened them we might see it really isn't that hard just to push through them and move to a door that has promise.

It doesn't hurt anymore, in fact I feel as though I have a breath of new life.  I don't cry anymore when I think of all the years and time spent in this relationship.  Life is too short to cry over spilled milk and I am sure as I move on there will be more milk for me, as this milk is way past rotten.

I read a book called, 'Who Moved My Cheese." It is a story of 2 little people and 2 little mice.  The mice realize very early in the maze of life, that the cheese is gone.  What is left is molded and rotten and they move out in search of new cheese.  The little people however do not. 

One is Hem and the other Haw.  I am Haw and my husband is Hem.  I finally got to the point were I left without him, in search of sustenance, and most importantly my sanity. He however is still at the beginning of the maze, dieing as he holds on to nothing.

If you ever get to read this book you should, I read it in one short night.  It is written so well, you could read it to a child, but as an adult you can apply it to all things in life from your relationship to your job or your faith in God, any thing.

I read this book for the first time in 2004.  I believe it was sent it to me via an Angel, named Mary.  I kid you not.  She was a good friend in the institution I worked at as a manager of an Emergency Department.  I was killing myself.  I was starving for cheese, as I scurried around in circles attempting to complete the job of at least 4 people. 

I think one of the most important questions asked in the book was, "What are you afraid of?"  I was afraid to let my staff down, as I truly felt that I was the only one that cared about them.  I was afraid of failing.  I needed to look at leaving as a point of release, vs. failure or not reaching my goal. 

I still feel that I let my staff down, but I realize that to effectively operate that E.D. my goals were always going to be unreachable.  Much like my hopes for this relationship.

So if you can't reach your goals, and fulfill your needs, it is most important to re-set your goals.

That is the point I am at.

Goals are in the works, for me to be happy.  One is to be a light to people in anyway I can, even if it is just a kind word for the day.  I am growing closer to my children as I am spending more time with them and I find I am less negative these days, as I am not dreading stepping into my house anymore.  I realize that in time, he will be gone and seeing him now no longer bothers me as I have a new life of promise for myself.

My new job is with a long-term acute care facility.  I will spend many days, if not months with my patients.  This will give me many things to write about and share and eventually reach my dream of publishing a book that will help the patients and families I care for.

I look forward to this adventure and to planning new goals.

I look forward to days with rainbows.

Skies of change.

Warmth of summer... to Autumn winds.

Winters of sleek diamonds that shimmer in the light of the moon...to a chilly winters night in front of a fire.

Flowers in spring as I hope to be blooming in love by then...

All in the context of being with someone to love and share the ups and downs of life in a sane fashion.  Until I find that someone, I will enjoy life and all its experiences happily satisfied within myself.