A Case for Super Powers

Why is Everything Stupid?

I can't sleep. I very rarely can. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much. I always hear about what an affliction Insomnia is. I suppose if I literally didn't sleep at all, ever, it would probably get to me, but to be perfectly honest, at this point I kind of like being awake all the time. My only complaint is that it gets a little boring. If I had more to do, I could totally get into it. If I had a choice, I would totally choose to not NEED sleep.

Such a thing would probably only work if I lived by myself; other people for some reason get annoyed when you're up all night. But then again, ideally, I think I WOULD live by myself. I wouldn't really say that I don't like people; they're annoying, but as a general rule I get along with them pretty well. But I'm definitely a recluse. I like to go out and interact with people...sometimes. And I like interacting with people via the internet. And sometimes...sometimes...I even like sharing my living space with a person for a short while. But by nature I'm pretty antisocial. What can I say, but that I'm a Scorpio? Arachnids don't play well with others.

I hate extreme-late-night TV...like, 3am TV. The commercials are a pain in the ass. They have commercials for sleep aids, which makes sense of course. It's good marketing, really. Not only is your target demographic likely to see it, but they're probably also groggy from sleep deprivation, and therefore aren't paying as much attention to your horrific side effects.

But 3am TV ALSO has commercials for "male enhancement" more than any other time slot, which is just curious to me. Is there somebody at home saying "gee, I would be sleeping right now if my cock were bigger"?

Speaking of TV, has anybody seen any ads for this new movie, Untraceable? One of the little blurbs for it says it is "the Silence of the Lambs for the internet age"...ok...that's a bit much. You know some of these critics are paid off to say good things about it, because they WAY overshoot...it's like you're watching a TV spot for Will Ferrell's new movie, where he plays a dimwitted, arrogant (insert profession here), and one of the little blurbs says "this is the single greatest thing that the human race has ever...or WILL ever...produce".

I've heard some of those blurbs are actually written by the studio heads, or by the marketing department or something, and attributed to fake critics for fake newspapers in fake towns.

Know how you can tell which ones are fake?

It's the ones that use the word "rollicking". Because no real human being has ever actually used the word "rollicking". Decades ago, MGM commissioned Dr. Seuss and said "what's a good word that sounds exciting?" And Dr. Seuss said "I don't know...rollicking?"

Jesus, I wish I could make up words for a living; I've been looking for a job, with very little (ahem, NO) luck. The reason I haven't had any luck is because even answering an ad for a place looking for a janitor, you have to have, like, nineteen years of toilet-cleaning experience, and you have to take a little personality test with questions like "have you stopped smoking crack?".

I'm sorry, am I not experienced and/or ethical enough to stand behind a counter and ring up people's DVDs? Is it really necessary for me to suffer the indignity of showing up in a suit with a resume to apply for a job involving a name tag, looking like I'm applying at the First Fucking National Bank of Toolsville? And after all that, do you really have to bring in the clinical psychologist, interrupting her study of rapists and murderers for her thesis, to design a little test to determine whether or not I am ethical enough to wear your goddamn name tag?

Experience? You want experience? You want someone with three years retail experience? If I were still in high school and trying to get my first job, I wouldn't HAVE three years experience. Right now I'm 25, and I still don't have three years retail experience, and you know something else? If I HAD three years retail experience, it would mean that I have been working retail for three years. If that were the case, I wouldn't apply for you, I would probably, y'know, kill myself. Because if I've been working retail for three years, and I'm actively seeking a NEW retail job, that's probably it for me, that's probably going to me my life. If I'm going into my fourth year in a retail career and no other opportunity is presenting itself to me, I can probably expect to be working at that same Wal*Mart until I'm 80 years old and I keel over in the middle of saying "Welcome to..."

You know why the economy sucks? Because the job market sucks. You know why the job market sucks? Because it's full of bullshit, that's why. Everybody is trying to do as little work as possible, so they create such ridiculous restrictions to getting a job that nobody can get a fucking job! Anybody who can jump through your myriad hoops--and has a modicum of self-respect--is overqualified for the job you're offering. You are not that special. If someone meets all of your requirements, they're not going to take your job, because they can probably get a better one. The people who NEED the shit job that you're offering do not meet your requirements.

The job market sucks because only people who have had jobs can get jobs. That's why the job market sucks, that's why unemployment is so high, which is why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and why homelessness is so high, why poverty is rampant, which is what breeds desperation, which is why the crime rate is so high. And that's why the economy is in tatters.

Which is bad enough, but then we have to stare at the face of our leader, a frat boy who sports a shit-eating grin every time he gets to use a word from his word-a-day calendar while he takes orders from Oswald Cobblepot

God bless America. We sure as Hell need it.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.