Amygdalia's Blog

Ramblings of a confused brain . . .

Today has been a totally crap day, for me.  It’s been rainy and blah outside, and my mood is echoing that . . . blah, no energy . . . I just want to lay down and close my eyes.  No energy, no enthusiasm, no desire . . .

First, the latest news . . . for those who haven’t yet heard, dareng is leaving Delaware, for Savannah.  After a month here with no job offers, and a family situation that acted as catalyst for his realization . . . he’s decided he needs to be closer to his family.  Intellectually, I understand this without a shadow of a doubt, and I’m so glad that he was able to spend the time here, to get away and gain that clarity . . . but emotionally I’m heartbroken.  I feel like I’m losing a son.  He’s become a part of the family, and he will be very much missed.  Sure, we’re going to see each other – he’ll be up here for the Gutter family Reonion in May, and I’ll definitely go down to Savannah at some point, as well.  But it won’t be the same as having him here.  Jakie’s going to miss him so much, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been feeling so blah lately . . .

Sure, I’m quite sad about Daren’s leaving.  But there’s more to it than that; Daren’s leaving is a catalyst for the rest of it to come flooding back . .

I think about my situation – I feel stuck at home.  WDC . . . this is my only adult interaction during the day.  You ARE my colleagues, my co-workers.  So, how WONDERFUL it’s been, having Daren right here, another person to interact with during the day.  Plus, it’s Daren! 

So now I’m thinking about the whole prospect of going out and finding a job.  Every time I think about it, I run the gamut of emotions.  Hopefulness – it’s time, I can do this, it’ll be good to be doing something intellectual, and getting out of the house.  Indecision – what do I even want to do?  Worry – what if I put myself out there, and am rejected?  What if I get a job and I have a day where I feel like I’ve been feeling today, where I can barely force myself to get out of bed?  What if I get a job and I feel trapped?  WOW . . . THAT was a revelation!  I don’t even know where to go with that one . . . what if I feel trapped?  Hey, in some ways, I feel trapped right now.  Well, in many ways, actually.  Stuck in the house, lonely, I’ve made no connections in our new area.  I was looking forward to having Daren around for that reason, as well.  Because one of my “best friends” and his wife live literally a mile away . . . and I hardly see or speak to them at all.  If I got a job I could connect with new people, maybe make some new friends.  I could also end up disappointed . . . oh hell, I don’t even want to go there.  Enough with the negativity, damn it!  That’s my biggest downfall – I get so negative . . . about myself more than anything or anyone else.  It’s a self-esteem thing, but I cannot seem to get past it, now matter how much self-talk I do, no matter how much encouragement I get from others . . . it can’t be insurmountable, but it sure as hell feels like it.

I’d hoped to spend some time this year just writing . . . but I can’t write with the children around.  I can’t write with any noise whatsoever.  I’d started this blog entry, and about 4 sentences in, I decided I had to go hide in the bedroom to write.  You can see the difference in my writing.  This is what I wrote, before coming upstairs:

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been feeling so blah lately . . .

Sure, I’m quite sad about Daren’s leaving.  But there’s more to it than that; Daren’s leaving is a catalyst for the rest of it to come flooding back . .

I think about my situation – I feel stuck at home.  WDC . . . this is my only adult interaction during the day.  You ARE my colleagues, my co-workers.  So, how WONDERFUL it’s been, having Daren right here, another person to interact with during the day.  Plus, it’s Daren!

And it was quite difficult to get that out, even though I’d already spent about half an hour laying in bed, thinking about what I wanted, needed to write.

Where am I going with this?  I’m not sure.  But I’m hopeful that getting it all out, rambling as it may be, will help me gain some more clarity on the situation, and figure out how to move forward.

I was thinking about how nice it would be to take my computer to Borders, and just sit there and write . . . but the noise.  I’d never be able to concentrate.  Still, I might give it a go, at some point.

What else am I thinking about?  What else is consuming my mind with negativity?  Oh . . . Dove chocolate.  I started out with such excitement . . . but I’ve ended up in the exact position I did not want, the exact position that I’d feared – nothing is happening.  I’ve put myself out there, and while a few people half-heartedly said they’d do a party . . . it’s been well over a month, and I don’t even have ONE party booked.  I’m SICK of it . . . THIS is why I have the negativity, the self-doubt.  It’s not without basis.  I just feel like selling all of my stuff, and forgetting about it altogether.

This is the crap that keeps me up at night . . . is there ANYTHING I can possibly do about that, at midnight?  Nope, not a damn thing.  And when daytime rolls around, I’m too flipping TIRED to do anything . . .

And with that, I think I’ll close.  I could keep writing, but I’ve already rambled enough for one day.