My True Soul

El resumen del mes de febrero... está largo.

Current song: "Trouble" - Cat Stevens
"Trouble, oh trouble set me free. I have seen your face and it's too much, too much for me. Trouble, oh trouble can't you see, you're eating my heart away and there's nothing much left of me."

Except for mailing a couple of documents off, I am through with applying to graduate school. I'll get the things I need to send off in the mail tomorrow. I apparently need a copy of some immunization records for the school I'm currently at and those records are with my parents, so I guess it's a good thing I'm about to go there for spring break. (At least for that reason)
It was hard enough for me to pick out schools in the first place. I finally got 9 picked out. And through applying/researching/contacting people, I've learned which schools I like better, etc. I'm nervous and scared about the whole process, but... I'll know here in about a month or so. I got invited to an interview with FL. I don't want to go there, but they're the #2 ranked school in the nation for counselor education, so that itself was an honor if you ask me.

I got waitlisted by UTK, but waitlisted as #3, not like 15. I was happy about that. However, the next day, I found out that I got accepted by William and Mary. Which is the 2nd oldest school in the entire nation, a public ivy, etc., I was pretty amazed by that. I have no word on funding, which is a large deciding factor in this whole process.

When I updated around V-day, I had numerous other things to say as well, but I just really wanted to share what Manda had done for me. I still have about half of the candy left. I had 2 the first day and since then, only a few. Trying to make them last.

Okies, so Feb. was busy. Weekend 1 was Manda's birthday. It was fun, food was good, cake was good, trip to the casino went pretty well, especially for Manda. It's nice to get to spend her birthday with her. The casino trip was kinda bumming me out at a couple of points because I was, lol, majorly sucking. But, by the end, it was okay and it was actually really exciting just to see someone I know win over $5 even. Plus, I have some really cute picture of Manda and then some of her niece from that weekend.

The next week, I had a good friend down. By the end of the week, I was ready to hurt him.
(April knows who I'm talking about as she's had her differences with him. Take just about anyone of my friends and they've had their differences with him. It makes me wonder why I haven't as much and I'm still not really sure sometimes. Well, I have... but, idk. It's weird. Anyways.)
It was kinda fun the first few days, although a large part of those days were spent constantly texting this girl that goes to college with me, that he's talked to for years before. Admittedly she had stuff happen with her family & he was concerned, but, jeez. The last time he was here, they arranged to meet. She stood him up numerous times on that trip alone. There'd been another time before, she'd stood him up then. Not to mention the numerous times that she was supposed to come to where he lives.

So, on the night she was supposed to go out with him, she didn't. Again. First she started delaying the time she was gonna meet him. He snapped at me at one point, I ignored him for 20 minutes and only would speak to Manda. We went to a B-ball game... it was the one game I really wanted to go to all season. I think it was all off by like midnight at which point, he told her to meet him somewhere at 11 a.m. the next morning & if she wasn't there by 5 after, he was never speaking to her again. (One shouldn't say things like that because it will always come back to bite you on the ass as sure as you do.)

Okies, so after the game, we did some investigating. We knew what brand/model/color the girl's car was, what the tag # should have on it kinda. What dorm it should be nearby. Etc. It was very slick and sneaky of us. However, we went through the parking lot, systematically looking for her car. There were only 3 of that type and 2 of them weren't from the right place nor were they the right color. I got out, looked in and around the car, even thought to check the hood to see if it was cold or warm. Afterall, making a 2 hour trip normally heats up a car's engine. Well, it fit with being her car, for numerous reasons. (I recently passed by it and found out it had something connected to her major on it as well.)

K, we get back home after this and he's online, talking to her screen name, but yet it's her friend telling him that she's not there yet because there was some bad traffic. Er. WTF? Yeah. So... I really was annoyed with the girl at this point and how he had acted that night. My annoyance only got worse the next morning. I went to class... he calls me in a panic at like 5 til the time he was supposed to meet her. He's jumping down my throat for directions and when I ask him what he's around... the answer I get? "A white building" and then he fusses at me that I should know exactly how to tell him where to go since I've made that trip thousands of times.
Now, she's supposed to have come to see him in our hometown. But... he keeps avoiding me I think, because she didn't show. Nevermind... she did show. And somehow, that makes me even more disgusted.

After this week, we went to a larger city close by to go shopping. Got to stay in a hotel room in a hotel that had a jacuzzi, sauna, and a pool. The experience of Manda's nephew and NOS still amuses me. I'm so so surprised he was so well behaved. Impressive and scary at the same time. Found some fun shirts that weekend. One has Optimus Prime from Transformers on it, the other has Gir (Invader Zim) singing his doom song. That part of the show is by far my favorite scene out of them all. Manda got these living dead dolls, which... I think are awesome. She got them majorly on sale and it's Edgar Allen Poe & Annabelle Lee (which is probably one of my favorite poems). She collects porcelian dolls, which after getting to know Manda more, being around the dolls more, and, yes, even sleeping in the same room as them... they don't really freak me out. Only the occasional one. The living dead dolls, which are purposefully creepy, I love.
Ah, yes. The morning before we went shopping, we went to 3 different museums. I really love going to them, I forget how much until I get to stroll through several. Apparently Manda, her mom, and her nephew all like it too. The 4 of us have been to more museums together than I think I've ever been to, it's probably at least tied. I have some really great shots from the museums that morning. I love having the new camera so that I can kinda record memories like that.
Shopping was not going too well at one point until the blue balls came about... then things immediately got better... which in of itself has become an inside joke that automatically makes any of us smile.

The next week was... ugh. I spent 3 days of it studying pretty much none stop. I knew I had 1 test, thought ok, well I'll study for it later. Then... found out I actually had another one on the same day. It wasn't fun and both of these were the day before Valentine's. In the meantime, we kept getting teased from these 2 people who were really starting to get on our nerves, mostly Manda's since she has to see them more.
They'd have lunch with us MWF, at least the girl part of this couple would, and everytime Manda and I would touch, she'd go "aww". Which, gets old. We don't do a lot of PDA... never really have... there are numerous reasons for this. One of which is obvious, it's a hell of a lot easier to do PDA when you're in the set acceptable stereotypical coupling (guy+girl). Another being that she and I aren't really... like that in public. We're not super into cuddling, snuggling, constantly anyways. But, if we're going to? It'll more than likely be in private and it's no one else's business.
This couple also frequently wants to joke about our sex life and tell us about theirs. I don't have a problem talking about sex, fine, let's talk. But, I don't want mine talked about unless it's me bringing it up, but not really then. And I don't want to hear about others when I didn't ask to or when it's being talked about just to brag about it. Perhaps I'm a little old fashioned. But I just don't like the idea of randomly bringing up my sex life, laying it out on a table, and letting someone else oogle it... I have too much respect for our privacy and for keeping that as something only we share together.

Valentine's day, you all heard about. At least as far as what Manda and I did. I also got asked out by a grad. student in Manda's department on V-day, in front of Manda. I said "No, I'm sorry" and didn't get a chance to tell him that it wasn't because of him. But I kept thinking about it, he's in her class that she was on her way to, so I caught him at one point and told him I said no because I was with someone, not because of him, and told him thanks and happy valentine's day. He stuttered when he asked and all he said was that he'd seen me around campus and then asked was if I'd like to go to a movie with him sometime. Manda said she was almost to the point of telling me to go anyway, just once or twice. It was by far the nicest any guy has ever been when it's come to asking me out. Most of the time, they come by, stare at my ass, make some comment, then insinuate that maybe I'd like to have sex with him, basically. It gets old. But, it was sweet and nice. I kept thinking about how hard it must have been to come up to someone you've never talked to and do that... I had to let him know why I said no.

Manda also got a toothache around this time. Her teeth are still hurting her, but she's gotten them "fixed" although the idiot messed up her gums and she's still in pain. But, needless to say, there for several days, she wasn't happy. In retrospect, I was just glad I still had antibiotics that she could have. The stupid couple didn't seem to realize that she felt bad because of the toothache and that them annoying her wasn't wise.
Manda doesn't play, she doesn't like certain things. She lets people know. And I respect this about her. I find it makes life easier, even if occasionally it has hurt my feelings a bit. In the long run, I know where she stands, I know what she thinks, and I know how to react to her. This couple, no. And they're stupid and want to play, plus they're scared of her. Even when we explain, both of us. They're weak and have a victim mentality.
It's been an experience being around these people because of this. It's however made us both realize how much we like the other, or I feel like it has.

Now, my parents thought I was coming home the weekend of the 15th because of a misunderstanding. They then acted surprised when I told them no, that I'd rather sleep that weekend because I felt like I still hadn't recovered from having the flu the last week of Jan. But, I did stay and do nothing that entire weekend but sleep.
I found out sometime in Feb. also about the UF thing and had to make them an interview before the 22nd, that was an experience. I hope I don't have to do that again.

The next weekend, the 22nd, I went home. I spent the entire weekend working on a Spanish essay. The week before, I had pretty much lost it a couple of times and spazzed out on several of my friends due to being under stress of tests and grad school stuff. It was scary, I can't remember much of it right now. I've gotten a couple of smartass jabs from my parents about spending that entire weekend working on Spanish. I haven't appreciated them very much. They want to brag about my gpa, but yet they want to fuss when I have weekends that I have to work the entire time on something. I should have just stayed, but then they woulda bitched about me not coming to visit because "you can do your work here too, we won't bother you."

I got invited to be inducted into a society that I'm already part of. This is the 2nd time I've been invited since becoming a member. I also got invited yet again to join Psi Chi, it's probably the 5th or 6th time for them. I'm tired of this. I should be a member to these organizations. They need to get their crap sorted. I need to e-mail them about all this or go see one of them.

My mom called the other day, she was in a bad mood, made me feel like shit. It all makes me realize how far away I am from being the person I want to be and then thus makes me feel bad about myself for not being who I want to be. What I want for them to do is never going to happen. I need to stop retreating back to that being what they should do, that being what is expected of them, or expecting them to do it because it's what I would do and will do when I have children. You must let go. You mustn't keep treating your child like they are yours to control. They aren't. I'm not.
I had to fight so hard to just go away for school. I hate having to justify everything I want to do or every choice I make. I don't like people constantly fighting with me about what I think or feel. With them, every time I want to do something, I have to explain why, give them reasons, detailed reasons. I have to do it over and over again. I had to do that with college, every damn day my entire senior year.
Yes, I have gotten where I don't want to fight. I don't feel I should have to fight about my choices in my life.
I was reminded of all this the other day, plus more.

I'm worried and scared about a lot of things right now. I keep trying to have this "things will figure themselves out" attitude. But I can't help but wonder and think. It's a fairly big stepping stone of my life, I guess it's to be expected. But I've never been this scared before. I guess because I feel like there is so much riding on all this, on my choices, and that this will all factor in to the future of my entire life.
Seems reasonable to be scared when I say it like that...
I keep hoping that it'll be like most of my choices are in my life... I'll just know what is right. That's how things work for me. And perhaps I'm thinking about it all too much to let my intuition actually come through for me. Gut feeling is pretty much the best way to go for me.

I've been thinking a lot anyway and maybe I'll come to see something.
Now, I've written far too much for any of you probably to be reading this far down... so I'm gone.
Hope everyone's doing well and have a good week!

Hah... and I may get to have the best burger ever from IHOP tomorrow. The breakfast burger, oh yes. With an egg on top of it! It's quite yummy. Even if I did feel like it probably took 5 years off my life.