Despertar

bad survey, haha

1. Do you have the ovaries to take this survey?
Clever! Like when they call it herstory.

2. Weed, coke, speed, crack, heroin, oxy, acid, x, k, peyote, mushrooms...of these, how many have you done?
One, but tomorrow I'm doing karaoke at the Peyote Cafe.

3. Ever been cheated on?
Yes.

4. Ever paid for sex?
Dearly.

5. Ever been married?
No.

6. Ever been divorced?
Twice.

7. If you had to pick one, what's your favorite sexual position?
In principle, I prefer missionary (or other face-to-face interpretations like desktop, chair), because of the kissing and the eye contact and the sounds and the intimacy, but spooning yields more consistent results.

8. Do you own any guns?
Only dese gunz.

9. Ever done more than thirty days in jail?
Maybe, but I was tripping balls through most of it, so who knows.

10. Ever been in rehab?
For what? Peach schnapps?

11. Have you ever had any sexual experiences with the same sex?
One, weirdly, experimentally. Never again, I think.

12. Ever have sex with anyone that you met on Myspace?
Myspace is so five minutes ago.

13. Truthfully...size matters?
My hunch is that it definitely does, but I have little basis for comparison. Anyway, we have to say it doesn't so they won't freak out about it.

14. Do you think Arnold could beat up Chuck Norris?
Besides a few scattered, ultrafake clips from Walker, I have yet to see any evidence that Chuck Norris has any ass-kicking abilities at all. But I don't want to! So don't send me links. I don't care about Chuck Norris!

15. What celebrity would you want to have sex with?
One-night-only, no-questions-asked sex? Will Smith. If you saw I Am Legend you know what I'm talking about.

16. Ever been unemployed for over a year since becoming an adult?
No! But that doesn't mean I'm not totally broke!

17. How many states have you lived in?
Two, and a District.

18. How many countries have you lived in?
One! I'm a provincial country mouse.

19. Do you keep a weapon under or next to your bed at night?
Not at school; I rarely even close the apartment door all the way.

20. What celebrity would you want to beat up if you had the chance?
Melissa Joan Hart, Tori Spelling and Brooke Burke all rank high on my list of babymaking attention whores who need to quit hogging the celebritybabyscoop.com airways already. And Melissa should be ashamed for letting herself go like that.

21. Ever rolled into the harsh ghetto to buy drugs?
According to its original usage, the ghetto is any community inhabited by a subgroup who share some common racial, economic or social commonality. Under that definition, Beverly Hills is a ghetto. The only place I've ever been to buy drugs was CVS.

22. Ever cheated on someone?
No.

23. Ever been paid for sex?
No.

24. Ever hired a SPY to follow someone?
I like the suggested inflection there. I have not ever hired a SPY to follow someone, but I have done the crazy-girl thing of planting myself not-so-randomly so I could watch someone more closely. Like in the cafeteria or on the quad or something. Or by the elevators, where I know I'll catch so-and-so coming in or going out. Crazy! But, you know. Everyone sinks to that low from time to time. (Right? Caroline?)

25. Ever bang your friend's man/woman?
No. I wouldn't even bang my friend's erstwhile crush.

26. What is your IQ?
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If I tell you, you'll think I'm cocky. If I don't tell you, you'll think I'm stupid. I'll just say it falls within the 130-160 range and qualifies me for Mensa, but I don't want to pay them to send me Sudoku puzzles.

27. Do you think Mr. Rogers really was a pervert or do you think he just really liked kids?
I want to believe he just really liked kids, but there was something really unsettling about his doing all the voices for his own applehead puppets, which were, also, inherently disgusting and creepy.

28. O.J. Simpson...did he do it?
If the glove fits, you must acquit.

29. Fake tits or real tits?
If I had paid for these, and they turned out this small, I would be entitled to my money back.

30. Ever watch someone die?
Once, when I was working for Verizon. An epileptic.

31. How long has it been since you had sex?
Going on four days.

32. Name your favorite beer.
Woodchuck.

33. If you could have sex with one person on your friends list who would it be?
The one I'll probably actually have sex with tonight after South Park.