Battle Group Epsilon

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

May 5 2184, 15:56 Hours (Standard Solar Time)
Aboard USNI Carrier Waterloo En Route Saturn System

Chang had not believed it when he had heard the rumors. Words were wind after all. He hadn't believed it when the skipper had told them over the intercom either. It couldn't be true. But when he saw the video feeds playing it was his eyes he refused to believe. Or more accurately his ears.
He could still hear the words, even now, as he sat alone in the mess hall. "Colony 195 Tribulation officially condemns the war efforts made by the USNI. Their attacks on civilian population centers are deplorable and insufferable. The Fist of Jupiter wants only peace but they are constantly antagonized by the USNI. If the USNI does not have the good sense to immediately disband, I personally hope that they are completely destroyed by the Fist of Jupiter." Those were the words said by, Derik Dunn, a man that Chang had once voted for. A place he had once called home. Chang could still see the look of the man as he delivered his speech; his fat cheeks and pompous smile. Dunn had just expressed his explicit desire for Chang to be killed. Didn't he realize the USNI was fighting to protect him?
Chang shook his head and stood up. He wondered why he had come to the mess hall. He wasn't hungry.

It had been many years since he had been to church. Growing up his mother had made a point to take them as often as possible. Once joining the Space Force however he had gone only on a few occasions. He decided he was past due. He walked down the corridor but he did not feel as though he were walking. He felt like he was floating. He moved down the hall as though he were smoke. It was a similar feeling to when he did Tai Chi but more overpowering. It was dreamlike. A side effect of having so little sleep perhaps. He had eaten little too but he just wasn't hungry.
The small worship center on the Carrier had received unprecedented use lately. It was quieter now. Surely it would get busy again in a few hours when most of the crew got off duty.
Chang walked inside. The interior was very different from the rest of the ship. Nearly every room and corridor was the same grey colored metal but the worship center was not. The interior was all wood. It was lit with off set flickering lights. Candles and most other combustibles were banned but the lights made a good imitation. The center did not support any one faith. There were symbols, paintings, and art for half a dozen different religions. Chang found an empty seat on a pew that overlooked a crucifix. He stepped by several marines and other Naval personnel and took a seat.
He closed his eyes, clasped his hands, and bowed his head. It had been a long time since he had done this and he realized in horror he had forgotten how. He would simply have to improvise.
"Dear god," he said in his mind. "Please forgive me. Forgive me for failing my squad. I know they died because I was not there to save them. Forgive me for failing the Earth. We all failed it, all of humanity. I am human though and therefore am in some small way responsible." Chang swallowed and waited a few seconds. "I'm sorry I've failed my family. I miss Mother and Peter. I should be with them now but I can't. Forgive me for this.
"And Lastly, god forgive me for what I am about to do." Chang made the sign of the cross and opened his eyes. He stood and left the Worship Center.

Chang had been attached to the 17th Marauder Squadron. After sustaining heavy casualties, many pilots had been relocated. The squad had yet to run any battle drills and he had only met most of the squad in passing. It seemed like as soon as he made a home, he was somehow uprooted. He didn't want a new squad.
They seemed nice enough. There were no Greenbaums among them but he missed Greenbaum. The man was as thick as a meteor but he had a soft side that Chang had only begun to know. The new squad was friendly. Lee was the only one he had talked to for long. She was Korean and was unnervingly eager to be Chang's friend. It bothered him along with her incessant optimism. In fact, he found her to be galling.
He arrived at his new room and opened the door. Lee was in there and she wasted no time to greet him. "Hi Chang,"
He gave her a brusque nod and walked to his bunk.
"I'm going to the mess hall if you're hungry-"
"I'm not," he said. He wanted to brush her off as quickly as possible.
"Oh, okay," she said. "Well, see you later Chang." She left the room and closed the door behind her. He was alone.
He pulled his duffel bag out from under the bunk. There was a small unopened bottle of whiskey in one of the pockets. It had been given to him a few years ago by a friend when he had made Captain. That was back on the Alamo. He was probably dead now. Chang rarely drank but he opened the bottle. He brought it up to his lips and took a long pull. He shuddered at the taste.
He looked through his bag and found the picture of his family. His younger brother smiled so broadly. Peter had looked up to him once. Mother was smiling too, wearing her nice dress. Her arm was wrapped around her son's waist.
"You look so much like your father," she had said that day when she saw him in his uniform. "He would be so proud."

Chang had another gulp of whiskey. Who was proud of him now? He couldn't even look at his own reflection anymore. The man that looked back was someone he didn't know. He had once been self-assured. He could do anything he wanted, he could accomplish the impossible. Now it was hard enough just to get up in the morning. His friends had all died because he was too weak to save them.
He wasn't bitter. He was just tired of being hated. The Fist of Jupiter hated him for opposing them. His colony hated him for standing up for them. The USNI hated him for being Chinese. For the life of him, he couldn't recall what anything besides disgrace felt like.
Chang looked through the bag and pulled out one last object; his service pistol. He had another sip of whiskey. It didn't taste so bad now. He didn't even cringe after swallowing it. He put the bottle down and looked at the weapon. He ejected the clip and ensured it was full. It was. He slapped it back in and disengaged the safety. He pressed the cold barrel of the pistol against his temple and closed his eyes.
"Chang!"
The shout made him open his eyes just in time to see Lee tackle him. She went for the weapon but he struggled against her. "No," he cried. "Stop it!" She was stronger than she looked.
Just as it was wrenched out of his hands, the trigger was pulled. The shot fired and ricocheted against the wall harmlessly.
"What the hell's the matter with you?" she demanded.
Suddenly the door opened again. This time a pair of armed MPs came in. "Is everyone okay?" the lead one asked.
Lee glared at Chang. She was going to tell them what had happened, he knew it. Then they would lock him up in a psych ward. "I apologize," she said. "It was an accidental misfire."
"Jesus Christ," the other one cursed. "Hey, do us a favor and put on the f***ing safety next time."
Chang noticed that her foot blocked the sight of the whiskey bottle from the guards. "Okay," Lee said. "I'm sorry again."
The MPs shook their heads and walked out.
Lee looked back at Chang. He lowered his head. He had never felt more embarrassed in all his life. She slapped him across the face so hard he knew it had broken the skin.
She shook her head again. "You've been here a week Chang and you haven't said more than two words to anyone. Well you're going to start talking right now or I'm going to go tell those two MPs what I just saw."
"Why do you want to talk to me so bad?" he asked, rubbing his cheek.
"Because I could use a friend," she told him. "And if I'm not mistaken, you could too."
"I don't need a friend," he said.
Lee nodded. She got up and walked toward the door.
"No," he said. "Please don't."
She stopped but didn't turn around.
They remained like that for a long time. Finally he said, "Lee, do you believe in god?"
At last she turned around. "Of course."
"How?" he asked. "If there were a god, how could he let this happen?"
"Man always asks this same question every time a great tragedy happens," she said.
Chang thought she would say more but she didn't. "That didn't answer my question."
"God didn't let this happen to us," she explained. "We let this happen to ourselves. Where did you grow up?"
"In a space colony," he said.
"I grew up on Mars," she said. "It's not likes NewsScape shows it on TV. There was widespread famine, plague, and disease. We waited for resupply ships that were diverted to more "High Priority" areas. Do you know what those areas were?"
Chang shook his head.
"Areas that gave the United Nations money under the table for supplies." Lee shook her head. "For people on Mars and other Colonies, these are hard times. Don't you know how Hitler came to power?"
"No."
"Germany was in ruin. Some radical came in preaching change and it was exactly what the people wanted." Lee looked at him making she he understood. "People used to look at the Holocaust or the Bataan Death March or Hiroshima and say, ‘How could god let this happen?' People let it happen," she said.
They sat in silence for a long time. Neither one said a word. At last Lee spoke. "Do you want to come to the chow hall?"
Chang nodded. "Yeah, I'll come." They stood to go and he asked, "Why did you come back in here?"
She opened a backpack on her bed and pulled out something. "I forgot my ID card."