90 days of unselfishly loving my wife

My toughest day so far

I did follow up with my wife to check on her feelings about me making the first move after our date.  She said not to worry, if I make a move and she reciprocates (nice word, thanks) all is well - every single time.  She would let me know up front if she was not ready.  I am trying something new and learning at the same time.  We have a great love making relationship but I had always had this selfish undertow feeling mainly because it is very enjoyable for me.  But it is my nature to be a giver and it is also one of God's gift to a marriage - to both of us.  So I learned something new, making my move is not selfish and my wife loves when I do it (most of the time :)  There are times when I try to manipulate her in the direction of making love using romance, cleaning up around the house, or back massages but she loves those things and I love the result so it works.  Just kidding, it all goes back to my motives, am I manipulating or am I doing those things because I love her.  We all know it is too hard being married just so you can go around trying to manipulate (that would be insane) all the time, it is all about love, love, love, love, love.  But keep an eye out for your motives. 

I have had my toughest day yet so far.  We had a project we were working on together and it got hectic at the last moment (possibly because of my procrastination - very, very possibly if you know what I mean).  In my opinion, she did not handle it well.  Acted like the martyr, had a bossy, condescending attitude with me and even the kids about other things,  and seemed to pick out every negative thing I did to make things work better.  Not a recipe for me to show her love.  Her attitude was really firing me up.  It was a high pressure situation but there was no need to react as she was (but that is my way of thinking, my nature - laid back; and hers is to get it done and done correctly, well before the deadline).  Well, sorry to say, I have no words of wisdom yet.  I am working my way through my feelings to figure my reaction out and how I could have helped her as I never was able to seem to help.  What is worse, in the middle of it, I did not desire to help her due to her attitude.  I felt that she should and could stay in her mood, all by herself while I stayed safely away - although we were in the same car for three hours.  The only positive was I did not add fuel to the fire, like I normally do.  So, the only improvement in loving my wife radically (not so much this day) was a full fledged argument did not commence.  I know I should have possibly said some sappy, love filled, "it's going to be all right" - but I did not want to and could not get myself to do it.  Later, I did apologize for delaying this project and even this was tough for me due to her reactions.  It is humbling to learn how to communicate in love and maybe the answer is - if I model love in her life to her - I will reap what I have sown in her.  But my goal is not to reap love from her - it is just to love her ______ or is it?  Do I or you love our spouse so we will be loved back?  Or do we just love them, just as they are (good and bad), just because we love, love, love, love, love them intensely.  Hmmmm....and I continue on in my quest.