Journals

Torrance Dovolo, Decks Ace, April 2001

I was born on January 17th, 2001. My body was already eighteen years old, had gone through eighteen years of someone else's life. This body still remembers this person, still holds some of her memories. But that person is gone.

I often wonder if my soul was replaced when the rotting chunks of my old brain were taken. I remember certain things that are required for my daily life. I know my class schedule, I know how to style my hair, I know the weight of a loaded Browning Hipower on my lower back. But I don't know why I know these things, I don't know how.

Its like watching a new television show, except that you are coming in at the middle of the season. You kind of know what's going on, but you don't quite understand the characters, the plot, or any references to previous episodes. And there are a lot of backwards references. No, I take that back. Watching the show would imply that I was jut along for the ride. No, its more like the television show recast me as the main character after the former star jumped off a fluffy white cliff and splattered her head on the shiny rocks at the bottom.

And this character is supposed to be an action hero. I am sorry, but I am not Xena. I mean come on! What kind of person kills over seventy people and doesn't see more than a day in jail? What kind of person carries guns and knives in high school, where no one seems to care. Do you know what I did today? I learned that I am very good at backflips. Backflips, why on earth would I know backflips.

The former actor sure left a lot for me to pick up on. Do you know how many names I am supposed to respond to? I don't know which ones are real, which are codes, which are good and bad. I had someone call me boss today, and I am not sure if it was sarcastic or not. What if I really am their boss? What am I supposed to be bossing them around about? I am eighteen, and I own a body shop, a drug cartel, several race cars, and I must have half of New Hampshire on my payroll. But for what? Yes I understand the constant pursute for more money, but when will I have enough? What else is it for; power, security, loyalty? Damned if I know.

When I first got home, well back to school, I found over sixty thousand dollars in small bills and a truck load of drugs in my room. I'm eighteen! I should not have this money, I am not responsible enough to use it. Do you know what I drive? A Bugatti Veyron, the fastest car in the world. I came in my pants a little the first time I saw it. It is sooooo nice. I don't deserve it.

I haven't done anything to deserve all of this. The former actor playing Torrance Dovolo built her into the powerhouse that everyone expects her to be. When I was being held by the Russians, all I could do was watch the old videos from Joel's laptop. Even I have to admit, she made the role look good. I watched her send a boy twice her size through a window because he short changed her by five bucks. But then she could talk a kid down from attempted suicide. She's a bouncer, a knight, a nurse, a mother, a lover, she is everything that a good hero should be, well except for the burning hatred. She faced the United States and held her ground for a freaking week! WTF? How can I live up to that?

Don't get me wrong, I have help. Supporting roles that thank god have not been recast. But even they are a mystery. Sometimes I'm not sure if they are giving me the whole truth. Hell, it is rather easy to escort the blind man down the road to hell with a calm voice and a gentle hand.

Despite my role, I can't seem to meld with Logan. The boy is cute, even handsome, but he just isn't my type. He's strong, sure, but a bit skinny. I am not supposed to be the same size as my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me a rock star, but only in appearance. I guess I should feel guilty, because he is so sweet and understanding. Once I made it known that I didn't know him and didn't want him to touch me in anyway other than as a friend, he has respected my wishes. We can talk, and I do enjoy his company, but only as a friend. Maybe the first Dovolo felt the same way. I still cant be alone in a room with him for too long, only because it is so uncomfortable.

I am having the exact opposite problem with Rae. Every time I've needed her, she has been there. Even in my first days, when I didn't trust anyone else, something told the that Rae was safe. She's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen ( yes I realize my experience is limited) but she is so damn talented. She is everything that I am not. Calm when I am anxious, quick when I am slow, compassionate when I bloodlust. She is the bullet in my Glock.

I am not gay. I like men. Big, strong, burley men with muscles and hair only in the right places. But there is something different around Rae, something that makes it impossible to see her as just a friend. It's the way she says my name, those long stares, and the way she touches me. Out of all people, she has me wrapped around her finger, and I think she knows it.

Its getting to the point where I cant be alone with her either. Yesterday we were in my room and she placed her hand on my cheek, tilted her head, and then sighed and pushed m head to the side with a giggle. It was so domineering, so sexual. She almost lost off of her clothes at that moment. All I wanted was to push her against the wall, taste her, feel her, fuck her. I have dreams about her. The alarm clock usually wakes me up right as I am getting to the good part, damn I hate that clock.

But there is one problem, Rae is completely and utterly straight. And she is my best friend. I don't dare cross that line and risk loosing what we already are. So until further notice, I get to be sexually frustrated, really frustrated.

There are other prospects though. Richard Donovan is the captain of the football team. Yeah, I know the stereotype. Physically, he is very hansom, very my type. He used to buy steroids from me, but for the last two months, he has been clean. I met him on the roof about a week after I got back, all by chance. I guess the roof of our dormitory is a good place to think. He was battling with his withdrawals, and I was fighting the demons in my head. We have helped each other quite a bit, well as much as he can. He knows nothing about the deck, and thinks that he is the only one that knows about my memory loss. It keeps him from letting any sensitive information slip. He dumped Pam Macy two weeks ago, and there is a rumor going around that he is trying to hook up with me. I don't know if I would mind that much. Evidently he asked me before the accident, and I shut him down. I hope he comes out and asks again, so I don't have to take the initiative. I am in charge of everything else, it would be nice for someone to take the lead for once.

Then there is Carmen, she just moved from Manchester. She is from Argentina, and I am convinced that all women from Argentina are beautiful. If I have children, I am giving birth in Argentina. I know that she is interested, and to a point I am too. I don't love her, not like I love Rae, but she could be a distraction. She defiantly does fit my very high standard for women. Rae was a Maxim girl next door last fall. I have seen the spread, I'm in a few of the shots with her, but that topless centerfold leaves little to the imagination. Of course I don't have to imagine much. We seem to have our best conversations while one of us is in the shower and the other is camped out on the counter top. We've slept together since I have been home, but it was just sleeping. I guess that's what friends do, and if that's true, then I am so dirty! Wait, I was talking about Carmen, not Rae.

I think I lust after Carmen. There is something so alluring about Latinas with British accents. Let me reiterate the mute point that I am not gay. Alright, I will admit to being bisexual, but I like what I like.

Ryan seems to be the only one I can confide in. We haven't had any form of sexual relationship, and neither of us want one. There is no frustration between us, and that's a relief. He told me that it wasn't uncommon for Tori Dovolo to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but he refused to tell me who she had already fucked. I wish everyone would stop being so cryptic.

So that's where I am right now. I don't know who I am, who I was, or what I am going to do. I am not the confident master of the universe that I once was. The learning curve is steep, and I know that if I mess up now, not only am I in trouble, but so are everyone around me. I understand the gravity of the situation, but with no one to really talk to, the stress is building. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, but for now, I just have to take it day by day.